It has been about five weeks since I had to switch my medication. It was tough at first, the going off one and starting up the other, but after about two weeks it started to even out...and I felt pretty good for a week. Now....not so much.
I try not to post when I am in the "depths of despair" as my favorite heroine Anne of Green Gables would say. The purpose of this blog is to let other Mamas know that they are not alone and that they can get through this....there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. But it is also important to tell the truth...this is just how it is. My Journey to the Light has been going on for a year and 10 months now....and I still have not gotten there. That is just the way it is. I don't know how long it is going to take me to get there, or if I ever will.
Here is where it stands. I can cope better now that I used to be able to cope. I can see the signs better. My husband sees the signs and knows when I need extra support...but it is still there. This medication change has not gone as well as I hoped it would. It seemed okay for a little while, but the last week or so has been really hard. I have been waking up almost every morning with that "heavy", sad feeling in my chest. Some days I have been able to shake it as the day goes on, most days I have not been able to. Yesterday was especially brutal. I was able to meet my "responsibilities". I got Anne out to school on time and I picked her up on time....I did some cleaning and bathed the dog and even made a healthy crockpot dinner. But it was gorgeous out yesterday....sunny and 65%....in NOVEMBER, and I could not pull myself together to take the kids and the dog outside. All I kept thinking was that I was that I am never going to beat this.
Today I am tired, I am tired of the fight. I am beyond irritated that circumstances demanded that I switch medications. The old stuff was working just fine, thank you very much!!! If it ain't broke, don't fix it! Now I am in exactly in the situation that I feared when the switch happened. I am sleeping terribly, my dreams have intensified greatly and I am waking up all the time throughout the night. So I start the day tired, and depressed and just try to get through it. BUT, I am tired of just trying to get through it. I am ready to be done, to be myself again. It is frustrating to have days where I use all the tools in my arsenal and I still can't win. My husband was awesome yesterday, as he most always is. He came home from work and sent me out of the house for awhile, so I took my book to Panera. I felt better while I was reading my book. I escaped the world for a bit, but it didn't last. Still, it felt good to get out.
Today has been a teeny bit better. My MOPS group met today so I got out again....one kid is actually napping this afternoon which NEVER happens. I tried to nap too, which is all that I want to do lately...but the other kid didn't allow for it to happen, so I had to settle for puppy snuggles from my awesome dog.
I think that I need to increase the dose of my new medication. I am hoping that will help the situation, but I worry that it may intensify my dreams even more and leave me more exhausted, which just leaves me more susceptible to feeling down. I have a phone call in to my doctor, I am just waiting for a response, knowing it could take a day or two. I have a doctor's appointment with her in two weeks, but I thought it better not to wait that long if I can start getting myself together sooner. I HATE having to rely on medication, but I am so thankful that it helps me to be me. I just want to feel like myself again.
So...how do I cope when it is this bad? The first thing I do is communicate the details of how I am feeling with my husband. He has been there with me through all of this and is super supportive. It is important to tell him EXACTLY how bad I am feeling so he knows the level of support I need. Second, I try to take some time for myself, like my few hours out last night. Third, I talk to close friends about what is going on...the extra Mommy support is imperative. Fourth....I give myself lots of stuff to do, cleaning, creative projects....painting rooms, whatever I can come up with. I am working on some Christmas ideas now and getting ready to paint the two main rooms of our house which desperately need a face lift. Fifth....I try really, really, hard not to feel guilty about "not doing enough" as a Mom. I take care of my kids, give them lots of love and try to forgive myself for not doing as much fun stuff as I would like to do with them. Sixth....and most important...is to communicate with my doctor about what is going on. She is awesome and I am sure will have some answers on how to deal with this. If she doesn't get the message that I left her today, I will be sure to call her back tomorrow. And lastly....I know I need to wait this out....this too shall pass and it will not last forever.
Hang in there Mamas...sometimes all we have to do is remember that we are stronger than we feel like we are some days.
