Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Ugh! Here comes 2014!

First of all...I hope that all my readers had a wonderful Christmas Season.  The two cherubs pictured above certainly had a magical and wonderful time.  Christmas with a two and four year old is just FUN!  Anne was old enough to remember the previous Christmas and get herself and her brother all excited about this Christmas.  We went from years of it taking all morning to opening presents to having it done in fifteen minutes flat.  It took way longer to get everything out of the packages and put together than it did for the kids to open everything.


How was Christmas for me?  The day itself was perfect and magical....although I was definitely ready for a nap by early afternoon.  The weeks leading up to Christmas had this Mama a little bit stressed.  For a while I was wondering if I could pull the whole thing off.  From handmade Christmas cards to fulfilling the kids' Christmas wishes, to decorating all of the trees (Ours and both sets of grandparents), and making Christmas cookies, I honestly didn't think I could do it.  At one point my husband and I took a step back and decide to divide and conquer and simplify.  And I did pull it off in the end.  I was happy that it was so great for the kids

I am ALWAYS into Christmas in my head.  I love how magical it can be.  I love the REASON for the season and celebrating Jesus' birth.  I love the family togetherness and the giving.  But I will admit, this year I had a tough time getting into Christmas emotionally.  I am grateful for the snapshots of time during the season that I was able to get into it for awhile.  I had times when I could focus on Christmasy tasks and having fun with the kids. 
I had a blast making cookies with them....and I was glad I did it, because at one point I was thinking that I would rather do pretty much anything else than make cookies.  I simplified it by buying Pillsbury sugar cookie dough and frosting.  By the time we were finished there was literally flour and sprinkles EVERYWHERE!  It was well worth it, it ended up being one of the best times I had during the season.

Let's face it, the new medications I am on just aren't cutting it.  I spent part of the weeks before Christmas not feeling well on top of it.  My fingers have been showing signs of arthritis for several months and then suddenly I was feeling pain and cracking in all of my joints.  It was pretty bad for several days and I actually ended up getting tested for Rhuematoid Arthritis.  Thankfully the test was negative and after some time I started feeling much better.  Now aside from my fingers and wrists, the rest of my joints seem to be okay.  I must have just had a virus or something.  It was a bit stressful for a week or so though, thinking that I might have to be dealing with yet another chronic condition. And of course, being in physical pain does not steer one towards warm and happy feelings.  But...we got through it and everything seems to be okay for the time being....accept for the medications not being up to par.  That is really starting to frustrate me. 

We are dealing with health care drama right, trying to get signed up for a new plan.  Being self employed, we had insurance through my husband through the state's insurance for individuals and sole proprietors.  When the new health care laws went into effect, we received a letter from our current insurance provider stating that as of December 31, 2013 our plan will no longer be covering individuals and sole proprietors and that we would have to sign up through the health care exchange.  After weeks of worry and drama it does seem that it will actually work out in our favor, BUT we still haven't been signed up for a new plan yet.  I am praying it will all work out in the end.  We have done everything we can for the moment we are just waiting for approval so we can actually select a plan.  There is a huge backlog of people trying to get signed up so it could take a couple more weeks before we are in the clear.  Through all this I am thankful that my kids are covered by an excellent plan and it is only my husband and I that we need to worry about.  However, we both have health issues, so we need to be covered.  The waiting game is frustrating for sure.

Right after Christmas both the kids and I came down with a cold, so even though the whole joint thing was way better, I was feeling pretty crappy for a few days.  And I was PMSing at the time too, which always wreaks havoc with my mood.  So PMS, plus head cold, plus sick kids, plus feeling depressed does not equal good times.    I spent three days feeling like this:
See me in there?  All I really wanted to do was sleep for a couple of days without anyone to bother me!  But Daddy was working and the kids were always around, so I didn't get much sleep at all.  But...I got through it, again. 

Now it is New Years Eve.  I plan on putting the kids to bed and curling up on the couch and watching Marley and Me with my Puppy Love. My husband will be working, which is fine, there is NO WAY I am staying up until midnight anyway.

So I have been struggling lately for sure.  I have been hoping that the meds would be working better by this point, but they aren't.  I have another Doctor's appointment in two weeks so hopefully we will figure something else out to try.  Even the worst lately has not been as bad as the worst overall, but it is still frustrating because things were fine, until I was forced into a med change that I didn't want, because the stuff that was working was too expensive.  Motivation is hard, especially for stuff that I already don't like doing....like cooking and cleaning the bathroom....and folding endless piles of laundry.  I am letting the kids watch more tv than I should and we have been pretty cooped up, with the head colds and the nasty weather, and my general lack of motivation.  Anne is out of school for almost two weeks which really messes with our routine and also leads to us going out less than we normally would.  I am feeling a little trapped within myself these days.  I am not going to let it beat me though.  Yesterday I actually cleaned the bathroom and the rest of the house and caught up on all the laundry (including the folding and putting away).  Today I went grocery shopping alone and am working on menu planning for the next month or so.  If I have a plan laid out it is a bit easier to deal with the cooking.  I tend to do four or five weeks at a time, because there is no way I would sit down and do it every week.  The plan makes cooking and shopping way easier. 

Tomorrow starts a new year.  I have all sorts of ideas in my head of how I would like aspects of my life to be.  I am going to be working on My Vices Three (see my last entry).  I realize that change needs to come slowly and that I can't put too much pressure on myself.  Especially when I am in the state I am in currently.  There is hope that with our new health care plan that I might be able to go back on my old meds....but I can't count on that, and I won't.  I will figure out how to cope with things as they are.  I will work on setting up more playdates and getting out of the house more often.  Anne goes back to school on Friday and I have some lovely scrapbooking projects that I can work on and a couple of books to read....I also am planning on instituting a game night once a week with my hubby and watching a bit less tv.  That has nothing to do with the new year, just something we were planning on doing once the craziness of the holidays were over.

For now, my dear readers, I wish you all a Blessed and Happy New Year!  May 2014 be better for all of us!




Monday, December 23, 2013

My Vices Three!

    I have had this entry in my head to write for a LONG time....so finally I am writing it...and what better time to post it than the time for New Years Resolutions.  During my struggle with Postpartum Depression there are ALWAYS things that I want to change or that I wish I could do differently.  If I focused on all the things that I want to do or change, like diet and exercise, and things with my kids....well I could write a list that could last all the way through the new year.    So I decided it is best to focus on a few things at a time, and make myself really AWARE of these things and focus on changing those things...and when I have these issues well in hand, I can choose something else to work on.  So I chose my vices three....the issues that have become the most intertwined with my depression, to work on changing, even if the change is slow.

VICE NUMBER ONE:  NAPS!

    I am always tired.  The depression can make me feel more tired and less motivated.  Sleepless nights with kids can make me more tired.  Sleepless nights with my dreams can make me more tired.  My medication can make me more tired.  All of these reasons are very good reasons to take a nap.  And there are times, when my husband is home where a two hour nap upstairs alone in my bed can positively impact my mood for days.  But the bad naps have the opposite effect on my mood.  Any nap I try to take in the afternoon on the couch while home with my kids is a bad nap.  The only good thing about it is the puppy snuggle part.  I get annoyed with the kids for being loud, or not taking naps themselves.  Once I lay down I don't want to get up until I feel like my need for sleep has been satisfied, but it never is.  These attempts at naps put me in a bad place.  A place where I am completely unmotivated to restart my day or to do anything fun with the kids.  They only make me wish for bedtime.  So I am trying to give these up.  I have been doing pretty well with them, while still enjoying an occasional real nap.  Some days the desire does over power me and I fall into the trap though, and I ALWAYS regret it afterwards.  It happened just yesterday in fact.  I find my day goes much better if I find a way to focus my time that does not involve naps.  I try to remind myself of this when I get super tired and the urge to lie down is overwhelming.

VICE NUMBER TWO:  CHOCOLATE

Okay I have a weakness for sweets, especially chocolate.  I NEED it to get through most days.  But I  have no self control when it comes to chocolate and I always eat more than I should.  Last year I got a lecture from my doctor because my cholesterol was too high.  So I did manage to stick to making a few small changes over the past year that actually worked, my cholesterol was down 30 points at my checkup this year and I don't have to go on medication!  YAY!  What it boils down to is self control. When I am feeling really depressed, all I want to do is eat sweet chocolate or chocolate chip cookies.  It makes me feel so much better in that moment.  In the long run, we know it is okay in moderation, but I have real trouble toeing the line between moderation and over indulgence.  I will let you know how this all turns out.  I have been doing well with my after lunch sweets.  I usually can get by with a smallish piece of dark chocolate.  It is the night time that gets me....the most stressful time of day is mid afternoon to kids' bedtime.  After they are in bed, especially on the nights my husband is not home....I eat...mostly too much.  This is my vice, and I have to work on it....for my own good!  But I can't give up chocolate and sweets completely....so the struggle continues.

VICE NUMBER THREE:  FACEBOOK

I love Facebook.  It has been such a lifeline for me, especially during my depression and dealing with my daughter's food allergy.  It has helped me to feel connected with the outside world and given me a way to communicate with cherished friends when I just need to talk.  I can clearly see the benefits it has in my life.  Especially the way it can allow me to share this blog and be a support to other struggling Mamas.  BUT, I am on Facebook way too much....so it comes down to figuring out how to draw a line again and sticking with it.  I am on too much in the evening which affects my marriage and I am on too much during the day which affects my time with my kids.  So I really need to work on this.  I need to come up with a schedule that works, that allows me to get the benefits of Facebook without succumbing to it completely.  I will let you know how this works out.

So my New Years Resolutions are to start attacking my VICES THREE.  It will be a process and a journey....but success here will just bring me closer to the light.  I will let you know how it goes.

Merry Christmas Everyone!  And Happy New Year!  May the season bring you joy and light!

Monday, December 16, 2013

It's NOT About the Wall!



    I have been doing a lot of home improvements lately.  What is that all about?  I feel so stuck in this house so much, and I don't really like where I live as much as I would like to like where I live.  So I try to keep the house looking nice on the inside at least.  The outside desperately needs work too, but I only have so much in me.  Last week I painted the two main rooms of the house, the living room and the dining room.  It was a bit chaotic while that was going on, but I am so glad I did it.  The walls looked so dirty before I painted and the dining room was really dark.  Now it is all a nice, soothing blue sky blue.   My latest project is pictured above.  There is a window in our living room that I have wanted to put stained glass in since we got the house, but we could never afford it.  Finally I realized that I could paint the window to look like stained glass...so that is what I did.   Also during this process I painted the entrance way stairwell into the house.  This is another project I have meant to do for 7 years.  This was a challenging project as the wall was stuccoed 35 or so years ago.  So i had to paint over that.  Painting over stucco is hard...but I got it done.  It is a huge sense of accomplishment to complete these projects and for my house to have a new fresh look.  I am planning on painting my kitchen and bathroom too, but not until well after the holidays.  Now it is time to enjoy Christmas and all the fun Christmas projects.

  I do want to share a little story though.  The very first project I did was in October.  I repainted my office.  The walls in there were a light gray and looking pretty dirty.  I spend so much time in my office I just wanted to lighten things up.  It took way longer to complete this project than I imagined.  It had been over a year since I painted a room and I forgot how long it took to do that.  Last fall I painted two bedrooms and moved the kids around and really worked at redoing the rooms to make them nice for them.  Two things were going on as I was painting my office.  I touched up some areas in my daughter's room and within days she had peeled off all the paint from the spot on the wall that I had just repaired.  In my son's room there is a spot under his window that was completely destroyed last year from water coming in through the window.  Before I moved him into that room, I completely rebuilt the wall under the window and painted the whole room.  Somehow he started peeling the paint off the wall in that area under the window, revealing a new hole and a huge area without paint.  So now I have two areas that need to be repaired and repainted.  It is hard to fix rooms that kids are living in.  So I had these two problems.  I patched them up but haven't repainted them yet.  Instead I painted my office, and within a day of me finishing the painting and putting the room back together, my two year old son got a hold of a pencil and scribbled all over the walls.  (Pencil does not erase off of freshly painted walls).  I was absolutely devastated.  I have never been so mad at my little guy before.  I couldn't look at him.  I went into my office and sat at my desk and cried.  My husband came in.  He said to me these words "I am sorry honey, I understand that it isn't about the wall."  WOW!  What a moment.  I felt so understood.  I was still mad but his words helped.  I went upstairs alone to regroup.  He put the kids in the car and went and bought some marvelous stuff to clean off the wall, and he cleaned it for me.

   I can't tell you how nice it was for him to understand that it wasn't about the wall, that it was about me trying to make the house nice for my family, and to have a nice space for myself, and most importantly, feeling like I have control over a situation, that I can make a plan and follow through and really feel like I accomplish something.  I am so blessed to have an amazing husband that gets that....and who supported me through that bump in the road.  People....the words you say when someone is upset matter, and saying the right words can make all the difference in the world.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Revelations

Photo by Maria McNeil Photography
     My husband Joe and I recently celebrated our 7th Wedding Anniversary.  So much has happened in 7 years, it is pretty unbelievable when I stop and think about it.  In that time I left my job, we started a business, ended a business and Joe started a new business.  We lost a baby and had two more and we....as a family unit, have been dealing with my postpartum depression turned chronic depression for two years.

    The week of our Anniversary Joe and I attended a conference called the Art of Marriage at our church.  I went into it thinking that we had a pretty good marriage, but sure that there was something we would get out of the conference.  There had to be something that we could improve.  All I can say is WOW.  That conference was an incredible wake up call for me.  It has a been a long two years, but I failed to see what an impact that my depression has had on my marriage.  I knew that it had affected other relationships in my life.  I lost friends, built stronger relationships with friends I already had and have made many new friends because of my depression.  How did I never stop to think about how it was impacting my marriage?

     Don't get me wrong, my husband is amazing.  He has been wonderful and supportive during this whole journey and he still is.  I can honestly say I would not be where I am now without him.  He is my rock.  The revelation that I had was how much my depression has affected our intimacy, and I have been working so hard to stay positive and get through each day that I never stopped to think about it.

     Now when I say intimacy people automatically think I mean "in the bedroom".  Sure that is part of  it, but that is not what true intimacy is about.  Joe and I started thinking about the time we spend together and how different it is now than it used to be.  Before kids we went out on dates all the time, now it is a rare occurence, mostly due to financial constraints and Joe's crazy work schedule.  We either hire a babysitter or we go out...so unless the grandparents are available to babysit, we don't go out.  But we used to do other things instead.  We used to have game nights, we used to talk more.

    The conference made us realize how tired we are...and how hard we have to work just to get through every day.  There have been so many days that I have just pushed through to survive until the kids are in bed and then I am done.  I have nothing left at that point.  There are so many days where Joe is working until well after the kids are in bed.  Somewhere along the way, without even realizing it, we forgot to hang out with each other.  Our idea of hanging out is eating chocolate chip cookies and sitting in front of the television.  An intimate evening is when we watch an episode of Little House on the Prairie instead of just whatever is on tv.  I also realized that I spend too much precious time on the computer (mostly Facebook) that I could be spending with him.

    So we came to some conclusions, and we are trying....we have a long way to go.  I have been struggling with some medication changes really affecting my mood as we are trying to do better.   We are trying to turn the TV off a little more often.  We are going to bed earlier some nights just so we can talk.  We have been planning on reinstituting game night, but that has not happened yet.  I am looking forward to more DATES and game nights in the new year, and more time just to be together.  I am trying to pull myself away from the computer more, and be more present with my family.  This can be difficult on the hard days.  I have also done a lot of work to make the main rooms of our house more cozy and inviting.  That is a main part of the reason that game nights haven't happened yet.  It has been a lot of work.

     The most important thing that we vowed to do is pull Christ into the center of our marriage.  This has been a bit of a challenge because we simply are not used to it...but that is the one goal that we are working on the hardest right now.  We pray together almost every night and morning now.  Now that is intimacy.  Neither of us have ever really prayed in front of anyone before.  So we are trying.  We have a strong love for each other and really want to get back what has been missing.  So, we are working on removing the obstacles and taking steps to work on things individually that are affecting us as a couple....so if you see me on Facebook a bit less, especially in the evenings....you will know why.  I am working on being less selfish....which is hard for me, especially when I am feeling really depressed.  I know how lucky I am to have the incredible husband that I have.  I really want to work on being the wife that he deserves.  It is just one more part of the Journey.  I love my Joe.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

I Don't Have PPD anymore.....

Photo by Maria McNeil Photography
      My precious little boy is sitting on my lap right now, chattering away.  Sometimes I just have to stop and soak him in, my little sweet, snuggly boy.  His sister is asking him to play and he is saying that he wants to stay with Mommy.  So, until he is ready to run off and play, I will snuggle him while he is willing to be snuggled.  He is the one that started me on this journey two years ago.  My postpartum depression started when he was five months old.  As hard as these two years have been, having him has been wonderful.  I am so in love with the little boy on my lap, I wouldn't trade him for anything, I gladly embrace the struggles that brought him into my life.  His name is Matthew, which means "Gift of God", and he is.

     I had my yearly physical with my General Practitioner the other day.  We discussed how my medication change has been going.  When I last wrote a blog entry, I shared that the medication change was not going well and that I was feeling pretty rotten.  I called my doctor after I wrote the entry and had a good talk with her.  She increased the dosage of my new medication and that helped almost immediately.  By the next day I was feeling much better.  For the most part I have been doing better during the day, but nighttime has been a challenge.  My dreams have  been a problem for me my whole life, but mostly they are just weird.  I very rarely have nightmares, most of my dreams aren't even about me.  I usually feel that I am just on the set of some really weird movie.  I often wake up wondering what strangeness is going on in my head, but other than leaving me tired, my dreams usually have little effect on me.  However, since I started my new medication my dreams have changed.  I have been having really emotional dreams related to my own life that cause me to wake up from the dreams with those emotions still attached.  They are never pleasant emotions either, usually sadness or other stressful feelings.   This has had a huge effect on how my day starts off and my overall emotions.  I discussed a few options with my doctor.  She said that this change in dreams is because of the medication.  We decided to try a new medication combination that should alleviate this problem.  Of course this change will take time and will eventually result in me taking less of my current medication with more of the new medication.  I have accepted the fact that it is going to take time to get back to where I need to be, back to how I was feeling a few months ago.  I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in 6 weeks and hopefully no more changes will be needed after this.  So that is the update on how I am doing.

     While I was with my doctor I asked her something that I have been wondering about.  This medication change has made it very clear to me that my depression is still a huge issue that impacts my daily life.   I asked her when it stops being considered Postpartum Depression.  She told me that after two years it isn't considered Postpartum Depression anymore, it is considered Chronic Depression.  She told me that it doesn't matter what it is called the treatment is the same.   She also assured me that there is hope that it won't stay with me forever (believe me there are many days where I wonder about that).    She said as my kids get older it will get easier and as my hormones continue to change that can help too.  So that is where I am.  I am one of those women whose Postpartum Depression did not go away.  I am now considered to have Chronic Depression.  Wow.  I knew this was the case, but actually processing and accepting this fact has been interesting.  The thought doesn't scare me as it has in the past.  I can certainly manage this....most days.  I have learned many coping skills and I have an amazing doctor that is very knowledgeable about depression and medications.  She is also pretty much always available if I need her and very supportive of me.  I know that I am lucky to have a doctor like her.  I am not thrilled about the prospect of taking medication for the long term...but I am also very grateful that I have that as an option.  Medication has improved my quality of life tremendously. 

   This is the conclusion I have come to with the revelation that I have Chronic Depression.   My depression is a part of me, a part of my life journey, but it will not define me.  If I didn't have this depression, I would also not have many things in my life that I consider blessings (like my son!).  When I get frustrated with having to deal with the depression, I try to remind myself that God knows what he is doing, and that this is part of his plan for more reasons than I could possibly imagine.  After all, everybody has some kind of struggle that they have to deal with.  So I will take my journey and try to use it for His glory the best that I can, because I know that he is always with me.