I have been maintaining very well for a months now, on the right dose of the right medication. I finished up therapy, and have been keeping myself pretty busy. I have still had my "dips" on a monthly basis. I have been able to recognize the pattern. I know I am going to have 3 to 4 bad days a month, and I also know that every few months I am going to have an extra bad month which will be 6 or 7 bad days. I can deal with this because I know what to expect. But it has also left me wondering: Is the depression still there? Is what I am experiencing merely hormonal shifts? How long do I need to stay on the medication? Since I have only felt well controlled for about 8 months or so, I haven't felt ready to "take the plunge" and go off the medication.
Then life threw me an unexpected twist to let me know where I REALLY stand. I don't have prescription coverage, but the county that I live in gives a prescription card out to ALL of its' residents. This has been great for my family, but the catch is that it only covers generic medication. I have been on Cymbalta for my depression. Initially we tried Zoloft, but that didn't work as well as I needed and I had some issues with side effects. The Cymbalta has been wonderful since we found the right dosage for me. The only side effect that I have had to deal with has been some fatigue. However, Cymbalta does not have a generic. My doctor's office has been providing me with samples for about a year. The office has recently stopped receiving samples. The cost of the medication is way too high for my family to afford on a monthly basis. So I was faced with the choice to go off medication all together or switch to another antidepressant. This was really not a choice that I wanted to make. I was completely happy with the predictable way things were going and how well my current medication was working.
I really felt that I wasn't ready to go off medication and I was concerned about stopping cold turkey anyway. My pharmacist (who is really wonderful) gave me some advice and I called my doctor and made an appointment. Now, my GP is absolutely fabulous. I could not ask for a better, more understanding doctor. She saw me pretty much right away. She said that they are no longer getting samples of Cymbalta because it is going generic at some point in the future and it is not cost effective for the company to give out samples any more. However we can't wait for it to go generic, who knows how long that will be. We had a long talk, discussed my options and the symptoms that I am still experiencing. We made the decision to switch to Fluoxetine. My GP felt that because I am still experiencing depressive symptoms on a regular basis that I needed to stay on a stronger medication as close in structure to the Cymbalta as possible. Sigh...the big concern with this medication is that it is a hard one to come off of. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
So I am one week into the medication switch as of today....I am weaning off the Cymbalta while starting the Fluoxetine. And it is definitely still there. I have been feeling my depressive symptoms returning as I am weaning off the Cymbalta. I know I have to be patient through this change, and I did expect that this would happen. It will take time for the Fluoxetine to build up in my system enough to start to work, and I may need a higher dose of it. But you know, I just don't want to deal with this again. I don't want to have to struggle to get through the day. I have been there and done that, and I feel like I have put in my time already! I just have to try to keep myself busy and wait this out, but it isn't easy, and it certainly is not fun. The next few weeks are not going to be a picnic for sure...
This experience is clearly answering my question as to whether or not I am ready to go off the medication. The answer to that question is a resounding NO. Now I am left with another question....is it still PPD or am I starting to head down the road of chronic major depression? I guess the answer to that question doesn't really matter. I can't look too far into the future with this. I just have to fight this as hard as I can on a daily basis. I won't let it win. The fight just has me tired. I think the meds might have something to do with that too. I wish I didn't have to be on meds and deal with side effects, but the medication is the only thing that allows me to be ME. That is one thing I have learned. The depression is not me, it is just something that I have to deal with, and I have to fight it so I can be me.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Sunday, October 20, 2013
I Could Have Been Miram Carey....
If I could actually transfer thoughts directly into the blog when I am thinking them late at night I would write MUCH more often than I do....but my blog ideas sit in my head forever until I take the time to actually write...so hear it is!!
Postpartum Depression has changed me profoundly. It is now a journey I have been on for nearly two years. I look at the world differently now. I look at other mothers differently. When the news broke about the incident in Washington D.C. a few weeks ago about a woman with a baby in the car being shot by police because she was driving so erratically and dangerously, my first thought was that she had PPD. Most people probably did not think this thought. This is the different view I have of the world. I don't think of women like Andrea Yates and Susan Smith as horrible, evil people anymore. I wonder what they are struggling with that led them to their actions. I don't see their actions being excused by their illness, but I empathize with their battle.
I am not a professional expert in the area of Postpartum Depression, I only live it. The one thing that I must make VERY clear is that there is a HUGE difference between Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Psychosis. Every woman who experiences either experiences it differently. For the above mentioned women there may also have been other mental health issues involved. So, when I say that I could have been Miriam Carey, I mean that I empathize with her situation. I mean that any woman who has postpartum depression and does not receive treatment for it runs the possibility of that depression turning into chronic depression or postpartum psychosis. There is always the danger that we could snap. I believe that is what happened to Miriam Carey. From some media reports it also seems that she may have been suffering from other mental health issues and that she was receiving some treatment...but let's face it, this is the United States of America and mental health treatment is not even close to what it should be to give people the help that they actually need. Thankfully Miriam's child was uninjured physically...but my heart breaks that she has to grow up without her Mama. I feel that this situation could have been avoided with proper intervention.
Miriam Carey got me thinking about Andrea Yates and Susan Smith and the terrible end that their children faced. I remember reading the old stories and wondering how Andrea's husband could stand by the woman who killed his children. He always said that she was sick and needed help. Now again, I do not know the intimate details of this situation, but it seems that he was able to recognize that her deeds were not HER. We cannot let the depression define us. We have to separate the illness from the people that we are.
These thoughts have brought me back to many dark moments in my struggle. My depression has been very scary at times....I think mostly because I was such an angry depressed and there were many moments that I felt like I actually COULD NOT control my actions. And in my struggle for control I remember at times, actually thinking "I get it. I get why some parents actually hurt their children, I understand being at that point." Whoa, scary stuff!! Now I have never had thoughts of harming my children, but it some of those rageful moments I remember feeling like I wouldn't care if they got hurt. I would absolutely hate myself later, when the moment had passed.
Why am I talking about this now? I want people to know what it is like, how scary it is, how out of control you can feel, because I want them to love these Mamas and not judge them. Do not judge...until you have walked a mile in someone's shoes.
"How can a mother do that to her kids? How can a mother harm her child?" We all ask these questions when we read the articles on CNN or watch the news, or see the stories circulating on Facebook. Listen...all parents have dark moments. Parents who swore they would never spank their kids, often do in those moments. They yell, they say awful things to their kids...they scare their kids...and sometimes, parents really hurt or even murder their children. It happens. We need to do everything we can to make sure it doesn't happen, but we can't expect that it never will. We need to love and support struggling parents. This is life!!
It is only by the Grace of God, and lots of love and support from people in my life that my dark moments became something I could overcome and not get lost in. I am STILL FIGHTING this battle. It isn't over for me yet. I have been doing well, and overcome many obstacles...and I am SO FAR from where I was in the beginning. I know that I have strength and light in me. I am surprised at the love I now have in my heart for the Miriams and Susans and Andreas out there. The story of Miriam Carey really reinforced for me how my thinking has changed. God's greatest commandment is that we love one another as he loved us. It's hard to love people that do horrible things. I just try to remind myself that God loves them as much as he loves me.
Miriam I love you! I am sorry that things ended for you the way that they did. I hope that you have some peace now.
Journey on Sisters....keep fighting your way to the Light.
Postpartum Depression has changed me profoundly. It is now a journey I have been on for nearly two years. I look at the world differently now. I look at other mothers differently. When the news broke about the incident in Washington D.C. a few weeks ago about a woman with a baby in the car being shot by police because she was driving so erratically and dangerously, my first thought was that she had PPD. Most people probably did not think this thought. This is the different view I have of the world. I don't think of women like Andrea Yates and Susan Smith as horrible, evil people anymore. I wonder what they are struggling with that led them to their actions. I don't see their actions being excused by their illness, but I empathize with their battle.
I am not a professional expert in the area of Postpartum Depression, I only live it. The one thing that I must make VERY clear is that there is a HUGE difference between Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Psychosis. Every woman who experiences either experiences it differently. For the above mentioned women there may also have been other mental health issues involved. So, when I say that I could have been Miriam Carey, I mean that I empathize with her situation. I mean that any woman who has postpartum depression and does not receive treatment for it runs the possibility of that depression turning into chronic depression or postpartum psychosis. There is always the danger that we could snap. I believe that is what happened to Miriam Carey. From some media reports it also seems that she may have been suffering from other mental health issues and that she was receiving some treatment...but let's face it, this is the United States of America and mental health treatment is not even close to what it should be to give people the help that they actually need. Thankfully Miriam's child was uninjured physically...but my heart breaks that she has to grow up without her Mama. I feel that this situation could have been avoided with proper intervention.
Miriam Carey got me thinking about Andrea Yates and Susan Smith and the terrible end that their children faced. I remember reading the old stories and wondering how Andrea's husband could stand by the woman who killed his children. He always said that she was sick and needed help. Now again, I do not know the intimate details of this situation, but it seems that he was able to recognize that her deeds were not HER. We cannot let the depression define us. We have to separate the illness from the people that we are.
These thoughts have brought me back to many dark moments in my struggle. My depression has been very scary at times....I think mostly because I was such an angry depressed and there were many moments that I felt like I actually COULD NOT control my actions. And in my struggle for control I remember at times, actually thinking "I get it. I get why some parents actually hurt their children, I understand being at that point." Whoa, scary stuff!! Now I have never had thoughts of harming my children, but it some of those rageful moments I remember feeling like I wouldn't care if they got hurt. I would absolutely hate myself later, when the moment had passed.
Why am I talking about this now? I want people to know what it is like, how scary it is, how out of control you can feel, because I want them to love these Mamas and not judge them. Do not judge...until you have walked a mile in someone's shoes.
"How can a mother do that to her kids? How can a mother harm her child?" We all ask these questions when we read the articles on CNN or watch the news, or see the stories circulating on Facebook. Listen...all parents have dark moments. Parents who swore they would never spank their kids, often do in those moments. They yell, they say awful things to their kids...they scare their kids...and sometimes, parents really hurt or even murder their children. It happens. We need to do everything we can to make sure it doesn't happen, but we can't expect that it never will. We need to love and support struggling parents. This is life!!
It is only by the Grace of God, and lots of love and support from people in my life that my dark moments became something I could overcome and not get lost in. I am STILL FIGHTING this battle. It isn't over for me yet. I have been doing well, and overcome many obstacles...and I am SO FAR from where I was in the beginning. I know that I have strength and light in me. I am surprised at the love I now have in my heart for the Miriams and Susans and Andreas out there. The story of Miriam Carey really reinforced for me how my thinking has changed. God's greatest commandment is that we love one another as he loved us. It's hard to love people that do horrible things. I just try to remind myself that God loves them as much as he loves me.
Miriam I love you! I am sorry that things ended for you the way that they did. I hope that you have some peace now.
Journey on Sisters....keep fighting your way to the Light.
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