It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I have been dealing with this depression for FIVE years. That is some kind of crazy. I can't even fathom that it has been that long, but then I can't even really remember life when I wasn't dealing with it. On it goes. When it all began as Postpartum Depression when my son was five months old, I never imagined I would be dealing with Chronic Depression five years later. But then, I guess I never imagined I would be dealing with depression at all.
When I went off my antidepressants last spring I thought I was in a place where everything was manageable. I was still having symptoms, but I could handle them, and I did, for awhile. I made it through the summer, with some very rough weeks here and there. My symptoms started getting worse when they happened, but they weren't happening all the time. They were still very cyclical, so I pressed on, even though I could feel the rage that was associated with my early depression starting to return. I just kept super busy. Playgroups, playdates, swimming lessons, family reunions, even a little vacation at the end of the summer. In reality we really took that vacation because I was so desperate to get away and regroup, so we did and it was great.
Then school started and at first it was so freeing. I was exercising more and plugging right along. Then October hit and my daughter had a nasty case of strep that kept her out of school for five days...looking back that is when the tide really changed for me. I haven't been back to the gym since that week she was sick. Everyone has been taking turns being sick since then, me included. Mostly minor stuff, but I have been dealing with sinus headaches and issues all through the fall and winter, mostly because of the extremely warm weather we have been having here for this time of year.
When November and December came I was just spending all my free time doing Christmas Shopping and Christmas preparations. I knew I was really starting to go down hill, but I was in denial. I was determined to make Christmas extra exciting and fun and perfect mostly because I was feeling so bad. I love Christmas, and the excitement of getting ready for it, the anticipation in the waiting. This year though, I just could not hold onto the spirit. Don't get me wrong, the season wasn't a wash, but it was somewhat disappointing. I have some great memories from some specific days. We did make it NYC for our yearly holiday trip. That day was practically perfect. We had fun getting our tree and decorating, and Christmas morning itself was just what I hoped for. And my kids loved every second of the season, so even if I wasn't always feeling it, they certainly were. I just kept feeling like I was missing something. The depression was stealing my joy.
And something else was happening. The first few times were subtle and I was able to brush them off, but after Christmas was over, everything snowballed so fast. I started having anxiety attacks. I recognized what was happening. Some issues happened at my daughters school regarding her peanut allergy that were very quickly resolved as soon as I voiced my concerns. I started to realize that a lot of my anxiety was centered around her allergy. It was happening at other times too, but that is where it started. We started planning a trip for mid spring. We have never flown before. I started panicking thinking about flying with her and wondering how I was going to keep her safe. I knew in my mind that my thoughts were illogical. I knew that I was obsessing about situations that I was handling just fine. I do my research, I plan for every possible scenario. I know what to do if she has a reaction, and I know everything I can do to prevent one. Why was this happening? Anxiety had never been an issue for me before. Then I just started feeling anxious a lot the time for no reason at all. I couldn't figure out any particular trigger. By this time my yearly physical with my doctor was only a few days away so I just waited it out. But I didn't want to go anywhere unless I had to. There were a couple of days where my husband took the kids out and I stayed home, and that was just how I wanted it to be. I just wanted to be alone and not responsible for anyone else. By this point I had resigned myself to the fact that I needed to go back on my medication.
This was a blow to me. Not only was the anxiety a major issue by this point but the depression was totally winning. I felt, I still feel, so defeated. I am so tired of fighting this fight. Five years is a really long time. I sleep, I have nightmares, get woken up or can't fall asleep and get up every day exhausted. Exhausted from not sleeping and from fighting the fight. I have been living with the attitude that this is as good as it is going to get, so why bother? Why bother going to the gym, or trying to eat better, or trying to get out there, this is just as good as it is going to get. I just don't have any fight left.
I started my medications again two weeks ago. At this point the anxiety is definitely better. Some stressful stuff has happened since I started taking them again and I have definitely weathered them better. This has been a relief. The anxiety was more than I could handle. At least I am used to feeling depressed, I know what to expect, and how to handle it if I have the energy to fight it. The anxiety was different. It was a new sensation, a scary sensation that I was really having a hard time dealing with. Hopefully it won't come back!
I am not seeing much of an improvement with the depression at this point. I have had a couple of better days, but not better overall. I had forgotten that a side effect of the meds is definitely worse migraines and headaches. I still got migraines when I was off the meds, but I forgot how bad mine can really get until I went back on. I had one all day migraine a week and a half ago and I feel like it never really went away completely. That crappy kind feeling doesn't do much for the mood.
The depression is heavy. I feel isolated and disconnected. I am doing okay with my kids, I don't feel disconnected from them, with my husband it comes and goes, but outside of this house, I just feel disconnected from everyone at this point. I find myself avoiding having conversations with people. Every now and then I will get out there in a group and chat with friends and actually feel pretty good. I think for a second, "wait, there I am.", but then the next day I can be in a whole group of people that I know and feel partially invisible, like no one notices me, and partially hoping that no one will notice me. People will say "hi, how are you doing." and I say 'good, how are you?" end conversation. Why don't I say more? I just can't get it out. I can't say the stuff I want to say, or need to say. I know what I need. I am simply exhausted. Right now, I can't fight the darkness back by myself. I know that I need to be with people and to just do normal stuff. I need to go out and walk the dog, go to the gym, just hang out with friends. I don't even necessarily need to talk about all this stuff I just need to do normal stuff. I need to not be alone in the house curled up on the couch all the time. I really try to shine light in other peoples lives as much as I can. I try to be supportive and help out when people need help. I try to help friends talk through stuff when they need to, watch their kids when they need a break and all that stuff. I feel guilty for not doing that stuff for people right now. But honestly I am in survival mode right now. Most days I do the absolute minimum that I must do to get the family through that day and nothing more. I don't have any more to give than that right now.
I have not given up the fight, but right now I am battle weary. For now I have reached my limit, I need to rely on other peoples' light right now to help pull me up and out of the darkness. Five years is a long time to fight. It's a really long time. I know that someday I won't have to fight anymore, and this burden will be lifted from me, but today is not that day. My life has a purpose, I have a family to raise, I will get through this. I just can't do it alone right now. I need some light.
My fight song;
It's Not Over Yet
Addendum: So last night after I went to bed I realized that I can't do math. And I never claimed to be good at it anyway. I have been fighting depression for four years not five. Year Five is just beginning. My husband and I were having a heart to heart last night and we were discussing how bad I have been feeling and I said to him "I just don't have any fight left." He said to me "You always say that." I said "I do? But this is the worst it has ever been, since it all started." He said, "You always fight your way out of it." Thanks for the LIGHT my Love.
