Last August, I was still having a very difficult time. I initially was taking Zoloft because I was still breastfeeding. That helped for a few months, but in July 2012 I started going downhill again. I saw my OB in August, after I stopped breastfeeding. She sent me to my GP and I started Cymbalta. That helped at first too, but after a few months I started feeling worse again. I had a physical with my GP in November and she increased my dose of Cymbalta. Then things really started to get better.
What I am trying to say is getting better is a journey, sometimes an intense battle. Don't be discouraged if what you try at first doesn't work. I had to find the right medication and the right dosage that my body and brain needed to really start to heal.
Late summer into the fall for me last year was very tough. I had many ups and downs. There were multiple times where I felt that I was going to be stuck forever, that I would never get better. BUT, I did find the light, and when the darkness tries to creep in every now and then, I can fight it.
This is what is different in my life from where I was a year ago:
1. I only have 3 or 4 bad days a month, with an occasional tough few hours. What I mean by a "bad day" is a day when I have all those old feelings, depression, anxiety, lack of motivation, anger etc. Now I am not perfect and everybody gets in a bad mood from time to time, but for me there is a distinct difference between a bad mood and one of those "bad days". My "bad days" are intertwined with my monthly cycle. They will either happen during PMS, during menstruation or sometimes they creep in around the time of ovulation. The ovulation ones do still surprise me every now and then. I need to stop and focus and think about where I am in my cycle to get through those days. The "bad days" no longer incapacitate me. I know that they are temporary. I give myself permission to just survive these days. I give myself minimal goals for the day. I only do what has to be done. I take a nap if I can, and let the minutes tick by. I don't let myself feel guilty (for more than a few seconds) about the things that I "should" be doing. If it is a super "bad day", I try to find a project. I find that projects will pull me out of the depressed feelings faster than anything. Last time I purged toys out of both of my kids' bedrooms. I get through the "bad days" because I know that they are temporary and that the next day WILL be better. It is easy to battle a few "bad days" when you know that your world is full of much more light than that little bit of dark.
2. I don't hold my situation to myself. I have this blog. I have Mom friends. I will talk honestly about how I feel to anyone who geniunely wants to know. I tell my husband that a "bad day" is a "bad day", so he knows what to expect from me that day. I have found quite a few other Moms that are or have experienced what I have experienced at least to some level.
3. I don't judge other Moms. I used to. I find that if I don't judge other Moms than I am not judging myself. I am a firm believer in supporting other Moms and that is what I try to do. I try to help my Mom friends get through their bad days like so many of my friends have helped me get through mine.
4. My husband and I found, and became a part of an incredible Church Family. This has brought so much love and support into our lives. Our relationships with God are strong and growing daily and we have come to know many new friends. This community has also given us both more social opportunities which is great. I have also joined the MOPS group that meets at our church, which has taught me so much and also opened me up to meeting many more Mom friends.
5. This journey to the light has caused me to lose some friends, but....I have more friends now than I ever have before in my life. Honestly I used to have trouble making friends. I guess having kids has given me more common ground with other people, and going to our church has also helped. I have met people through Anne's pre-school, church and even on-line. Now I feel like I have an almost endless network of support to help me deal with the big issues....like my kid's food allergy and my "bad days".
6. Things are different with my kids. Sure they drive me crazy sometimes, that is in the nature of kids, but I feel lighter around them now. My enjoyment of them is consistent. I am finding little moments throughout each day with them that I just soak in. I used to grab on to the spark of happy light in their eyes in desperation, hoping some of it would rub off on me. Now that happy light fills me. I really feel alive, and it is wonderful.
I finished counseling on Tuesday. I probably could have terminated sooner, but I decided to use what time I had to my full advantage. My counselor is leaving her agency, so I had the choice to continue with someone else or go it on my own. I stayed to the end with her, to get as much out of it as I could. We both agreed that I was in a good place to terminate. We discussed how far I have come. I am staying on my medication for now, and am very confident of my GP's ability to manage that. I have a whole list of people that I can turn to if I need support, and I feel confident that I am ready to move on. I left my last counseling session saying a prayer of thanksgiving for the wonderful woman that came into my life in my darkest moments and helped me to find my way to the light. She was a perfect match, exactly the person I needed. I feel confident and strong right now. I have come such a long way, and I feel that I am continuing to grow as a person and as a mom.
If you are in the deepest part of the darkness right now, there is hope. The light is there, it just takes time to find your way back to it. It is worth the fight, it is worth the battle, for yourself and your kids.
Their smiles and precious hearts are worth the fight every day!!!
