Finding the Light...

Fighting depression....fighting the darkness, as I like to call it, is a long and exhausting battle.  Instead of stopping and starting as I did so much in the beginning of my battle, for the last four or five months I really feel as if I am finally moving in just one direction...forward, toward the light.

I am doing well in therapy.  I only have a few more months with my therapist, but I feel pretty empowered right now, to make the best of that time, and to prepare to move on by myself when we are done. I am taking full advantage of "Me Time" when I can get it, and loving the refreshment that it brings me (and I don't just mean the brownies at Panera).   My medication is finally at a good working level, and has been consistently since December.  Even though I have bad days, I know that they are temporary and I am able to get through them without any long term effects.  And...Anne's behavior chart is working!  We are seeing a huge improvement in her behaviors, which reduces this Mama's stress level tremendously.  I finally feel equipped to manage her and teach her effectively.  Granted, we still have our moments when I wish I could handle things better than I did, but we have come such a long way I can only see it continuing to improve.  Most importantly, this chart has helped me to look for her positive behaviors, which leads to more positive interactions between the two of us.  After battling depression and her difficult behaviors simultaneously for so long, I finally feel like I can breathe...which is nice.

My family also started attending a new church in November.  I have always had a decent relationship with God, we have had our ups and downs, as I am sure most people do, but when the Darkness moved in, all the light, including Him, was choked out for awhile.  The only thing I could do was get through each day, and it definitely left me lacking.  Now I am embarking on a new journey, a renewal of my faith and joining a new community full of wonderful, loving and supportive people.  I can't think of anything better that could be happening to my family right now.  Nothing can poke through the Darkness like the Light of God, that's for sure!

Now, my battle with the Darkness has been long, and as with any battle there have been casualties and there have been victories.  I am in a place now where I am working on assessing the damage and counting my blessings.  Depression damages relationships.  There are many life phases that can change relationships....but depression can damage relationships.  I am a helper by nature.  If I see someone I care for that is hurting in some way, I want to help.  I support them however I can.  I could not do this for awhile, I couldn't even help myself for awhile.  This fact does erase the fact that friends of mine were going through trials of their own while I was fighting my battle.  The fact is, I was not there for them when they needed me.  Relationships have suffered.  Some have ended.  I cannot fix this, I can't go back and be there for them when they needed me.  Telling them I am sorry will not make them feel less abandoned.  It hurts me to have to let friends go.  There is a part of me that will always want to "fix it".  I hate thinking that I have hurt anyone, especially people that I love and care for.  Unfortunately, it is part of life that relationships grow and change, I just hate that my battle was the reason for the end of some.  If you are on this journey, fighting the darkness, it is going to happen.  There are relationships that will change because of it, there will be relationships that are lost because others are just not able to understand what you are going through, or because you aren't able to be there for them when they need you.  Don't lose heart, stay strong, apologize to them and let them go.  They will come back to you if they want to.  It is important to remember that it is not your fault, it is impossible to fight such a battle without some losses to the Darkness.

There are victories in my battle too!  Good things that have come from the Darkness....incredible pieces of LIGHT!  Some friendships that were in place before the Darkness have grown deeper and truer.  I have friends that have been there for me in ways that I cannot even describe.  They are fantastic reminders of the blessing that true friendship is.  I will always be grateful to these wonderful ladies in my life.  The renewal of my faith is another HUGE victory for me.  I still have a ways to go, but a faith journey is never ending, and I am enjoying the ride.  Our new church has brought to our family a sense of faith, and community and many wonderful people to build new friendships with, and we are doing that.  Victory!  The greatest victories have been within myself.  I feel stronger, more open, more willing to change, and more accepting of the change that is happening.  I am working on surrounding myself with positive things, friendships, music, books...etc.  Victory! 

The most important advice I can give if you are fighting your own battle against the Darkness is not to dwell on the casualties it leaves in your life, but focus on the victories it brings.  Our Pastor always says "God doesn't waste a hurt".  The light is stronger than the dark and the light will bring new and powerful blessings in your life.  Find support, stay strong.  I promise it won't last forever.