If I could actually transfer thoughts directly into the blog when I am thinking them late at night I would write MUCH more often than I do....but my blog ideas sit in my head forever until I take the time to actually write...so hear it is!!
Postpartum Depression has changed me profoundly. It is now a journey I have been on for nearly two years. I look at the world differently now. I look at other mothers differently. When the news broke about the incident in Washington D.C. a few weeks ago about a woman with a baby in the car being shot by police because she was driving so erratically and dangerously, my first thought was that she had PPD. Most people probably did not think this thought. This is the different view I have of the world. I don't think of women like Andrea Yates and Susan Smith as horrible, evil people anymore. I wonder what they are struggling with that led them to their actions. I don't see their actions being excused by their illness, but I empathize with their battle.
I am not a professional expert in the area of Postpartum Depression, I only live it. The one thing that I must make VERY clear is that there is a HUGE difference between Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Psychosis. Every woman who experiences either experiences it differently. For the above mentioned women there may also have been other mental health issues involved. So, when I say that I could have been Miriam Carey, I mean that I empathize with her situation. I mean that any woman who has postpartum depression and does not receive treatment for it runs the possibility of that depression turning into chronic depression or postpartum psychosis. There is always the danger that we could snap. I believe that is what happened to Miriam Carey. From some media reports it also seems that she may have been suffering from other mental health issues and that she was receiving some treatment...but let's face it, this is the United States of America and mental health treatment is not even close to what it should be to give people the help that they actually need. Thankfully Miriam's child was uninjured physically...but my heart breaks that she has to grow up without her Mama. I feel that this situation could have been avoided with proper intervention.
Miriam Carey got me thinking about Andrea Yates and Susan Smith and the terrible end that their children faced. I remember reading the old stories and wondering how Andrea's husband could stand by the woman who killed his children. He always said that she was sick and needed help. Now again, I do not know the intimate details of this situation, but it seems that he was able to recognize that her deeds were not HER. We cannot let the depression define us. We have to separate the illness from the people that we are.
These thoughts have brought me back to many dark moments in my struggle. My depression has been very scary at times....I think mostly because I was such an angry depressed and there were many moments that I felt like I actually COULD NOT control my actions. And in my struggle for control I remember at times, actually thinking "I get it. I get why some parents actually hurt their children, I understand being at that point." Whoa, scary stuff!! Now I have never had thoughts of harming my children, but it some of those rageful moments I remember feeling like I wouldn't care if they got hurt. I would absolutely hate myself later, when the moment had passed.
Why am I talking about this now? I want people to know what it is like, how scary it is, how out of control you can feel, because I want them to love these Mamas and not judge them. Do not judge...until you have walked a mile in someone's shoes.
"How can a mother do that to her kids? How can a mother harm her child?" We all ask these questions when we read the articles on CNN or watch the news, or see the stories circulating on Facebook. Listen...all parents have dark moments. Parents who swore they would never spank their kids, often do in those moments. They yell, they say awful things to their kids...they scare their kids...and sometimes, parents really hurt or even murder their children. It happens. We need to do everything we can to make sure it doesn't happen, but we can't expect that it never will. We need to love and support struggling parents. This is life!!
It is only by the Grace of God, and lots of love and support from people in my life that my dark moments became something I could overcome and not get lost in. I am STILL FIGHTING this battle. It isn't over for me yet. I have been doing well, and overcome many obstacles...and I am SO FAR from where I was in the beginning. I know that I have strength and light in me. I am surprised at the love I now have in my heart for the Miriams and Susans and Andreas out there. The story of Miriam Carey really reinforced for me how my thinking has changed. God's greatest commandment is that we love one another as he loved us. It's hard to love people that do horrible things. I just try to remind myself that God loves them as much as he loves me.
Miriam I love you! I am sorry that things ended for you the way that they did. I hope that you have some peace now.
Journey on Sisters....keep fighting your way to the Light.
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