When my PPD was at it's worst, I lived life in complete survival mode, day by day, hour by hour. Everything kind of blurred together, and I feel like I missed many precious moments during that time. Actually now that I am in a state where most of my days are GOOD days, I feel like I am living my life again, instead of merely trying to subsist.
For the Stay at Home Mom weekdays kind of blur together anyway. It is not uncommon to have to double check the date and the day. For me it was compounded by the fact that my husband is self employed and is usually working most weekend days, so I lost all concept of days, weekend or weekdays.
I had a two year old and a baby and my daily goal consisted of getting them from wake up to bedtime so I could just collapse in front of the tv or go to bed myself. At certain times of the year my husband is gone working up to four nights a week, so it was mostly just me getting through the day on my own. First I had to get out of bed, which is still a challenge for me. I could never see all the way ahead to bedtime so I had to break my day up into chunks. First I had to get kids up, diapers changed and breakfast fed. If we were home for the day morning was the best time for my kids to play on their own or my daughter would watch tv and I would just try to find some task to focus on, or I would hang out on the internet. If we had an activity or a playdate planned it would be in the morning so we could be home by lunch. Some days I got dressed, some days I didn't. Lunch was the second hurdle of the day. Feed the kids and then NAPTIME! In the beginning of the depression both of my kids were still napping. So I would feed them, get them in bed and then feel strangely free for awhile. I would eat lunch, catch up on General Hospital, and then usually I would curl up on the couch and sleep, dreading the moment when the kids would wake up. Naptime to dinnertime was always the hardest part of the day. After being on the couch for a bit, it was always hard to get momentum going again.
Dinner, that was a challenge. For a whole year prior to the depression I had worked really hard on changing my family's eating habits. I cut out processed foods, cooked with more fresh, organic ingredients and whole grains. We were really doing well. Unfortunately I have always been an emotional eater and boy did that get worse. I had no energy or motivation by dinner time. It would be all I could do to throw together a simple meal that I knew my kids would eat. Many days that would be too much and I would call my husband and beg him to take care of dinner because I just couldn't handle it. I stopped caring so much was everyone was eating, and just cared that the kids ate.
After dinner things would get cleaned up and the kids would get put to bed. Pulling myself together to give them baths on bath nights was another struggle, it isn't really a difficult task, but for me it was very overwhelming.
As soon as the kids were in bed I would stop for the day, no more cleaning, no more laundry, I was done. I would stay up for an hour or two and watch TV and then I would go to bed, hoping to sleep well enough to gain energy to make it through the next day. WHEW!
Wow, that is what my days were like. I do still have occasional days where I will wake up in a bad way and know right away how much to expect of myself for the day. What I have described here, however, is no longer my life. It feels really good to write this all down and see it in black and white. It makes me see how far I have come. First I had to accept what was happening to me and name it. Then I had to get help. I enlisted support from close, trusted friends and family, I went to my doctor and I started counseling. Defeating depression is a daily battle, some days mine wins, some days I win. It is great to be winning most of my days now.
If you are struggling with PPD don't try to fight it alone, reach out to the people that love you, talk to your doctor....get help. There are several websites that have helped me on my journey. I am going to share some of those links now and hope that they may provide some comfort and support to others as well.
1. If you are local to the Capital Region, Shades of Light offers local resources and support.
https://www.facebook.com/ShadesofLightCapitalDistrict?ref=ts&fref=ts
2. Katherine Stone, how I have grown to love her, as have many other women who struggle with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. She writes from real experience, and her articles are short, easy to read, and eye opening. Her website really helped me to move forward, and feel like I was not alone. www.postpartumprogress.com
3. Glennon and her Monkees. This website is not about PPD, it is the blog of a Mom....But her wonderful blog entries make us feel as we are not alone in the difficult world of motherhood. She has uplifted me more than once, a definite good read. momastery.com
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