I often find myself questioning situations that present themselves in my life. I find myself wondering if it is the situation that is causing the feelings of sadness and anxiety or is it just a flare up of the depression that is already there. Dealing with PPD is challenge enough, but I have been faced with other challenges on top of it, and if those challenges present themselves during a time when I have been feeling better, it terrifies me to my core. Is my PPD ever going to get better? It can take a while for my logical thinking to take over. I have to remember that some things would upset me anyway, even if I wasn't depressed, and I would still need to process through them, even if the PPD wasn't there.
It has been a tough year, this year of PPD. I have gone through all the baby stages to toddlerhood, and I have been raising a spirited 2 to 3 year old, who took a year and a half to potty train (that is a story for another day). As a Mom though, the hardest things that I have had to deal with this year are the issues that threaten the health and life of my child.
After she turned three we pushed for an allergy test. Our pediatrician still didn't seem concerned. He actually suggested to me that I give her some peanut butter to see what would happen. After seeing the horrified expression on my face at that suggestion he referred her to an allergist. We had her tested almost immediately and she is definitely allergic to peanuts. Our allergist is wonderful, but it was not until that appointment that I learned how serious her allergy was. The doctor explained to me that reactions to exposures get progressively worse and it is very likely that her next reaction will be anaphylactic. Then he explained to me all the things I need to look for when buying food. My husband and I said many prayers of relief when we realized how many things that we let her eat since her first reaction that could have killed her. This whole experience was a huge adjustment for me as a Mom and it all happened when I had only been in treatment for my PPD for a couple of months. I was devastated. I think that any mother would have been very upset in my situation, but at that point my PPD definitely made it harder to deal with. I got through it by focusing on my child and what I had to do. I learned to read labels, I learned how to use an Epi-pen, I learned what foods were absolutely unsafe, I learned what restaurants I could take her too, and I learned how to cope with my feelings of terror at the thought of every leaving her with anyone other than myself or my husband. I survived it and we are doing well with it now. We have learned to live with it.
I am currently trying to deal with her current diagnosis. She has been showing symptoms of having some kind of allergy for a little over a year now. It started with an occasional dry cough at night. We thought maybe it was mold. We got covers for her mattress and her pillow and she did better for awhile, but then late summer into the fall she got progressively worse. We were dealing with occasional hives and ectopic dermatitis. She caught a mild cold the weekend before Halloween and we ended up at Urgent Care with a wheezing little girl. Her pulsocs were 92. The nurse told us if they were 90 she would have been hospitalized at least overnight. So we went home with a nebulizer and have learned how to use that, and watch for the symptoms of asthma. We have seen our allergist a few more times. She takes allergy medication every day. We have managed to stave off another serious asthma attack by knowing what to watch for....and lately she has seemed a little better...yesterday I discovered the reason why.
Yesterday we had her skin tested for respiratory allergies. They did the full panel of cat, dog, dust mites, pollen, mold...etc. They also added in rabbits since we have those in our home as well. She tested positive for cat and dog. Honestly I have been doing really well with my PPD lately, but yesterday was a tough day. We have two cats and a dog. I think that she has been doing better lately because the cats stopped shedding for the winter. Now I am faced with making some extremely difficult decisions. I would really prefer not to have to make these decisions, I would prefer to crawl under my covers and cry for awhile....maybe a day or two. At least I can calmly say that this time, these feelings are not coming from PPD. I think anyone faced with having to make decisions about giving up beloved pets are going to be feeling happy about it.
What makes it more challenging is that everyone has an opinion about it. Whatever decision is made, someone is going to try to make me feel awful about it. The doctor actually said this to me yesterday, "You are the Mom, no matter what decision you make you are going to feel guilty about it". Boy was he right. Nothing has even happened yet and I feel guilty about the possibility of decisions.
The two cats that we have are mine. I brought them into the relationship/household. My older cat, Fuzzy, is 17 and pretty frail looking, he has lost weight and just looks old. He is a sweet and loving boy, and was my only companion for years. My other cat, Padme, is 10. I have raised her from kittenhood, she is my sweet, gray and furry girl. I am the only one in this house that really has a relationship with these cats. My kids are fascinated enough by them, but the cats prefer to have nothing to do with them. The difficult decision that has been made is that the cats have to go. Allergies to cats are much more severe than allergies to dogs are, and Anne's was showing symptoms long before the dog arrived in our home. However the decisions about where the cats will go and what their fates will be are completely up to me and it is breaking my heart. I can think logically right now trying to find answers, but I will not allow myself to think about them actually leaving, and not being here anymore, because I know that the second I do that I will completely fall apart and I am afraid I might not be able to get myself back together. I am pretty confident that I will be able to find a home for my 10 year old kitty, it is the grim possibility of choice for my elderly 17 year old that I am having the hardest time with. I am not sure yet how I am going to get through this one!
My husband and I have decided that it is best for the family if we keep our dog. Our daughter's health is not the only person's health to take into consideration when making a decision about the dog. We have only had him for a few months but he brought a light into this house that has been missing for a long time. He has done wonders for me and my depression, and giving him up right now would be too much for me. And the kids absolutely love him. I also don't feel that my daughter reacts to him like she does to the cats. She is all over the dog all the time and he doesn't seem to bother her. So there are some things that we are going to try to reduce his dander around the house. There also is one question that remains to be answered. Allergy testing tests for cat and dog saliva and dander simultaneously. Clearly with the cats she is allergic to the dander, there is no question....my cats don't give kisses. My hope is that she only allergic to the dogs saliva, because the fur doesn't really seem to bother when she has her face all over the dog. I guess we can only hope that we are making the right decision for now, and we will have to see what happens. I am the only one with an attachment to the cats, but the WHOLE family needs this dog.
Sometimes being an adult just sucks. I hate having to make decisions that affect the lives of my family and my critters. I wish that there were easier answers, ones that don't break hearts. Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and loving to me during this difficult time, thank you to those who understand how hard this is. I need you!
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