Season of Hope

'Tis the New Year!  Yes it is officially January 2014.  It was exactly two years ago when my baby boy was five months old that the symptoms of Postpartum Depression really set in.  Now...after coping with these symptoms for two years I am considered to have chronic depression.  New Year's is a fresh start, a new beginning....so I took some time to reflect.

My husband had to work on New Years Eve, so I rang in the new year with this guy:

We watched Marley and Me, which I had never seen before.  It is a great movie to watch with a dog you love....but I will admit mine thought I was a little nuts as I was sobbing through the last hour of the film!  I related to it on many levels.  It beautifully depicts how much a dog IS part of the family, how they change the entire structure of the family, and how their love and loyalty is absolute.  However there were a couple of scenes where I found myself relating to the character of Jenny, the mother in the movie.  (SPOILERS AHEAD-Don't read the next part if you don't want to know about things that happen in the movie).

I was there in the room with the character of Jenny when she had her first ultrasound and found out that her baby had died.  I was with her when she came home and sobbed afterwards.  I also loved how touching it was when Marley, the wild and rambunctious dog, just sat with her with his head on her leg.  Dogs know.  AND I was totally with Jenny after the birth of her second child when she was struggling with postpartum depression.  And she raged at Marley, and I was totally there with her in her rage.  My depression has been very angry from the start....and although I have it much more under control now, there are still days when that anger rears it's head and I have to fight it.  I found her anger so easy to relate to, and I completely understood why she was so out of control.  I look at Moms who seem to be angry much differently now than I used to.

So after I watched this movie, I went to bed, and my husband wasn't home yet, so I took some time to reflect on 2013, and pray about it.  I went over a lot of details in my head.  Triggered by the movie and the fact that my depression has been in the forefront lately, I really started to think about it.  I reflected on it's presence in my life and how I have changed because of it, and I came to a rather startling revelation.  I wouldn't change it.  WOW!  After two years of fighting it, and learning to deal with it, and wishing it would just go away I realized that I wouldn't change a thing.  That sounds kind of funny, doesn't it?

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" , declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  This is one of my favorite bible verses.  I realized that although these past two years have brought many struggles, they have also brought many blessings.  My son, of course is the biggest one.  If I had not embarked on this journey with depression than I wouldn't have him.  I can't imagine life without him.  His name, Matthew, means Gift of God, and he is one of the greatest gifts that God has given me in my life.  So I will take the depression if it means I get the gift of my boy, my smiling, giggling, dimpled boy!

My journey has brought me many new friends, all of whom are incredible blessings in my life.  It has cost me a few friends too, but in the end, I understand why and harbor no anger about it.  I have definitely learned to deal with my emotions better.  I am learning (every day) to be a more compassionate person and parent.  It has strengthened my faith in God tremendously.  And definitely seeing things so low and so dark has made me much more aware of the light in the world.  I have learned to be grateful for daily blessings and I have learned to rely on God for daily strength in daily battles, and that has made such a difference. 

My depression is part of me, shaping who I am as a person.  My journey, my battle, is not over yet, but I know in the end I will be a better and stronger person because of it.  I am so grateful to be in a place now where I can see the positive impacts it has had on my life.  Someday the depression will no longer be an issue, but it will always be a part of who I am.

On that note, now that the holidays and my period are over, I have been feeling much better the last couple of days.  Maybe I am just less stressed, or maybe the new medications are starting to work better.  I know it can take up to 6 weeks for antidepressants to work to their fullest.  My biggest struggle right now is getting up and moving in the morning.  My meds are making me extra tired and I have not been sleeping well on top of that.  My dreams have been better though, just wild and crazy like I am used to, they haven't been all tied up with my emotions lately.  I am grateful for that.  I am still in health insurance limbo so I had to cancel my latest appointment with my doctor, but hopefully we will have that all sorted out soon and I can get that rescheduled. 

I have really been enjoying my kids lately, this week especially.  And even when we had the stomach bug thrown in the midst, taking down my poor little guy, I was able to enjoy lots of snuggles with him.  I did feel terrible for him though, he was ultra pathetic.  He kept asking me to hold him.

I have had some great conversations with my little girl lately.  I have really been enjoying time with her and reveling in many moments.  That is a big change for me.  I have often felt guilty for just trying to get through the day and not ever seizing any of those little moments.  Something has shifted lately to make this easier for me, so I am soaking it up.  She drew me this the other day, and I LOVE it.  It captures her imaginative personality perfectly.  I don't want her to grow up too fast, but I can't wait to see what amazing things she is going to do with her life.

I am looking ahead in 2014 as a year of hope.  I can clearly see my changed life and that I am a changed person, and I am excited now, because I know that things are only going to get better.  Happy New Year Everyone!