Season of Hope

'Tis the New Year!  Yes it is officially January 2014.  It was exactly two years ago when my baby boy was five months old that the symptoms of Postpartum Depression really set in.  Now...after coping with these symptoms for two years I am considered to have chronic depression.  New Year's is a fresh start, a new beginning....so I took some time to reflect.

My husband had to work on New Years Eve, so I rang in the new year with this guy:

We watched Marley and Me, which I had never seen before.  It is a great movie to watch with a dog you love....but I will admit mine thought I was a little nuts as I was sobbing through the last hour of the film!  I related to it on many levels.  It beautifully depicts how much a dog IS part of the family, how they change the entire structure of the family, and how their love and loyalty is absolute.  However there were a couple of scenes where I found myself relating to the character of Jenny, the mother in the movie.  (SPOILERS AHEAD-Don't read the next part if you don't want to know about things that happen in the movie).

I was there in the room with the character of Jenny when she had her first ultrasound and found out that her baby had died.  I was with her when she came home and sobbed afterwards.  I also loved how touching it was when Marley, the wild and rambunctious dog, just sat with her with his head on her leg.  Dogs know.  AND I was totally with Jenny after the birth of her second child when she was struggling with postpartum depression.  And she raged at Marley, and I was totally there with her in her rage.  My depression has been very angry from the start....and although I have it much more under control now, there are still days when that anger rears it's head and I have to fight it.  I found her anger so easy to relate to, and I completely understood why she was so out of control.  I look at Moms who seem to be angry much differently now than I used to.

So after I watched this movie, I went to bed, and my husband wasn't home yet, so I took some time to reflect on 2013, and pray about it.  I went over a lot of details in my head.  Triggered by the movie and the fact that my depression has been in the forefront lately, I really started to think about it.  I reflected on it's presence in my life and how I have changed because of it, and I came to a rather startling revelation.  I wouldn't change it.  WOW!  After two years of fighting it, and learning to deal with it, and wishing it would just go away I realized that I wouldn't change a thing.  That sounds kind of funny, doesn't it?

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" , declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  This is one of my favorite bible verses.  I realized that although these past two years have brought many struggles, they have also brought many blessings.  My son, of course is the biggest one.  If I had not embarked on this journey with depression than I wouldn't have him.  I can't imagine life without him.  His name, Matthew, means Gift of God, and he is one of the greatest gifts that God has given me in my life.  So I will take the depression if it means I get the gift of my boy, my smiling, giggling, dimpled boy!

My journey has brought me many new friends, all of whom are incredible blessings in my life.  It has cost me a few friends too, but in the end, I understand why and harbor no anger about it.  I have definitely learned to deal with my emotions better.  I am learning (every day) to be a more compassionate person and parent.  It has strengthened my faith in God tremendously.  And definitely seeing things so low and so dark has made me much more aware of the light in the world.  I have learned to be grateful for daily blessings and I have learned to rely on God for daily strength in daily battles, and that has made such a difference. 

My depression is part of me, shaping who I am as a person.  My journey, my battle, is not over yet, but I know in the end I will be a better and stronger person because of it.  I am so grateful to be in a place now where I can see the positive impacts it has had on my life.  Someday the depression will no longer be an issue, but it will always be a part of who I am.

On that note, now that the holidays and my period are over, I have been feeling much better the last couple of days.  Maybe I am just less stressed, or maybe the new medications are starting to work better.  I know it can take up to 6 weeks for antidepressants to work to their fullest.  My biggest struggle right now is getting up and moving in the morning.  My meds are making me extra tired and I have not been sleeping well on top of that.  My dreams have been better though, just wild and crazy like I am used to, they haven't been all tied up with my emotions lately.  I am grateful for that.  I am still in health insurance limbo so I had to cancel my latest appointment with my doctor, but hopefully we will have that all sorted out soon and I can get that rescheduled. 

I have really been enjoying my kids lately, this week especially.  And even when we had the stomach bug thrown in the midst, taking down my poor little guy, I was able to enjoy lots of snuggles with him.  I did feel terrible for him though, he was ultra pathetic.  He kept asking me to hold him.

I have had some great conversations with my little girl lately.  I have really been enjoying time with her and reveling in many moments.  That is a big change for me.  I have often felt guilty for just trying to get through the day and not ever seizing any of those little moments.  Something has shifted lately to make this easier for me, so I am soaking it up.  She drew me this the other day, and I LOVE it.  It captures her imaginative personality perfectly.  I don't want her to grow up too fast, but I can't wait to see what amazing things she is going to do with her life.

I am looking ahead in 2014 as a year of hope.  I can clearly see my changed life and that I am a changed person, and I am excited now, because I know that things are only going to get better.  Happy New Year Everyone!

Ugh! Here comes 2014!

First of all...I hope that all my readers had a wonderful Christmas Season.  The two cherubs pictured above certainly had a magical and wonderful time.  Christmas with a two and four year old is just FUN!  Anne was old enough to remember the previous Christmas and get herself and her brother all excited about this Christmas.  We went from years of it taking all morning to opening presents to having it done in fifteen minutes flat.  It took way longer to get everything out of the packages and put together than it did for the kids to open everything.


How was Christmas for me?  The day itself was perfect and magical....although I was definitely ready for a nap by early afternoon.  The weeks leading up to Christmas had this Mama a little bit stressed.  For a while I was wondering if I could pull the whole thing off.  From handmade Christmas cards to fulfilling the kids' Christmas wishes, to decorating all of the trees (Ours and both sets of grandparents), and making Christmas cookies, I honestly didn't think I could do it.  At one point my husband and I took a step back and decide to divide and conquer and simplify.  And I did pull it off in the end.  I was happy that it was so great for the kids

I am ALWAYS into Christmas in my head.  I love how magical it can be.  I love the REASON for the season and celebrating Jesus' birth.  I love the family togetherness and the giving.  But I will admit, this year I had a tough time getting into Christmas emotionally.  I am grateful for the snapshots of time during the season that I was able to get into it for awhile.  I had times when I could focus on Christmasy tasks and having fun with the kids. 

I had a blast making cookies with them....and I was glad I did it, because at one point I was thinking that I would rather do pretty much anything else than make cookies.  I simplified it by buying Pillsbury sugar cookie dough and frosting.  By the time we were finished there was literally flour and sprinkles EVERYWHERE!  It was well worth it, it ended up being one of the best times I had during the season.

Let's face it, the new medications I am on just aren't cutting it.  I spent part of the weeks before Christmas not feeling well on top of it.  My fingers have been showing signs of arthritis for several months and then suddenly I was feeling pain and cracking in all of my joints.  It was pretty bad for several days and I actually ended up getting tested for Rhuematoid Arthritis.  Thankfully the test was negative and after some time I started feeling much better.  Now aside from my fingers and wrists, the rest of my joints seem to be okay.  I must have just had a virus or something.  It was a bit stressful for a week or so though, thinking that I might have to be dealing with yet another chronic condition. And of course, being in physical pain does not steer one towards warm and happy feelings.  But...we got through it and everything seems to be okay for the time being....accept for the medications not being up to par.  That is really starting to frustrate me. 

We are dealing with health care drama right, trying to get signed up for a new plan.  Being self employed, we had insurance through my husband through the state's insurance for individuals and sole proprietors.  When the new health care laws went into effect, we received a letter from our current insurance provider stating that as of December 31, 2013 our plan will no longer be covering individuals and sole proprietors and that we would have to sign up through the health care exchange.  After weeks of worry and drama it does seem that it will actually work out in our favor, BUT we still haven't been signed up for a new plan yet.  I am praying it will all work out in the end.  We have done everything we can for the moment we are just waiting for approval so we can actually select a plan.  There is a huge backlog of people trying to get signed up so it could take a couple more weeks before we are in the clear.  Through all this I am thankful that my kids are covered by an excellent plan and it is only my husband and I that we need to worry about.  However, we both have health issues, so we need to be covered.  The waiting game is frustrating for sure.

Right after Christmas both the kids and I came down with a cold, so even though the whole joint thing was way better, I was feeling pretty crappy for a few days.  And I was PMSing at the time too, which always wreaks havoc with my mood.  So PMS, plus head cold, plus sick kids, plus feeling depressed does not equal good times.    I spent three days feeling like this:

See me in there?  All I really wanted to do was sleep for a couple of days without anyone to bother me!  But Daddy was working and the kids were always around, so I didn't get much sleep at all.  But...I got through it, again. 

Now it is New Years Eve.  I plan on putting the kids to bed and curling up on the couch and watching Marley and Me with my Puppy Love. My husband will be working, which is fine, there is NO WAY I am staying up until midnight anyway.

So I have been struggling lately for sure.  I have been hoping that the meds would be working better by this point, but they aren't.  I have another Doctor's appointment in two weeks so hopefully we will figure something else out to try.  Even the worst lately has not been as bad as the worst overall, but it is still frustrating because things were fine, until I was forced into a med change that I didn't want, because the stuff that was working was too expensive.  Motivation is hard, especially for stuff that I already don't like doing....like cooking and cleaning the bathroom....and folding endless piles of laundry.  I am letting the kids watch more tv than I should and we have been pretty cooped up, with the head colds and the nasty weather, and my general lack of motivation.  Anne is out of school for almost two weeks which really messes with our routine and also leads to us going out less than we normally would.  I am feeling a little trapped within myself these days.  I am not going to let it beat me though.  Yesterday I actually cleaned the bathroom and the rest of the house and caught up on all the laundry (including the folding and putting away).  Today I went grocery shopping alone and am working on menu planning for the next month or so.  If I have a plan laid out it is a bit easier to deal with the cooking.  I tend to do four or five weeks at a time, because there is no way I would sit down and do it every week.  The plan makes cooking and shopping way easier. 

Tomorrow starts a new year.  I have all sorts of ideas in my head of how I would like aspects of my life to be.  I am going to be working on My Vices Three (see my last entry).  I realize that change needs to come slowly and that I can't put too much pressure on myself.  Especially when I am in the state I am in currently.  There is hope that with our new health care plan that I might be able to go back on my old meds....but I can't count on that, and I won't.  I will figure out how to cope with things as they are.  I will work on setting up more playdates and getting out of the house more often.  Anne goes back to school on Friday and I have some lovely scrapbooking projects that I can work on and a couple of books to read....I also am planning on instituting a game night once a week with my hubby and watching a bit less tv.  That has nothing to do with the new year, just something we were planning on doing once the craziness of the holidays were over.

For now, my dear readers, I wish you all a Blessed and Happy New Year!  May 2014 be better for all of us!

My Vices Three!

    I have had this entry in my head to write for a LONG time....so finally I am writing it...and what better time to post it than the time for New Years Resolutions.  During my struggle with Postpartum Depression there are ALWAYS things that I want to change or that I wish I could do differently.  If I focused on all the things that I want to do or change, like diet and exercise, and things with my kids....well I could write a list that could last all the way through the new year.    So I decided it is best to focus on a few things at a time, and make myself really AWARE of these things and focus on changing those things...and when I have these issues well in hand, I can choose something else to work on.  So I chose my vices three....the issues that have become the most intertwined with my depression, to work on changing, even if the change is slow.

VICE NUMBER ONE:  NAPS!

    I am always tired.  The depression can make me feel more tired and less motivated.  Sleepless nights with kids can make me more tired.  Sleepless nights with my dreams can make me more tired.  My medication can make me more tired.  All of these reasons are very good reasons to take a nap.  And there are times, when my husband is home where a two hour nap upstairs alone in my bed can positively impact my mood for days.  But the bad naps have the opposite effect on my mood.  Any nap I try to take in the afternoon on the couch while home with my kids is a bad nap.  The only good thing about it is the puppy snuggle part.  I get annoyed with the kids for being loud, or not taking naps themselves.  Once I lay down I don't want to get up until I feel like my need for sleep has been satisfied, but it never is.  These attempts at naps put me in a bad place.  A place where I am completely unmotivated to restart my day or to do anything fun with the kids.  They only make me wish for bedtime.  So I am trying to give these up.  I have been doing pretty well with them, while still enjoying an occasional real nap.  Some days the desire does over power me and I fall into the trap though, and I ALWAYS regret it afterwards.  It happened just yesterday in fact.  I find my day goes much better if I find a way to focus my time that does not involve naps.  I try to remind myself of this when I get super tired and the urge to lie down is overwhelming.

VICE NUMBER TWO:  CHOCOLATE

Okay I have a weakness for sweets, especially chocolate.  I NEED it to get through most days.  But I  have no self control when it comes to chocolate and I always eat more than I should.  Last year I got a lecture from my doctor because my cholesterol was too high.  So I did manage to stick to making a few small changes over the past year that actually worked, my cholesterol was down 30 points at my checkup this year and I don't have to go on medication!  YAY!  What it boils down to is self control. When I am feeling really depressed, all I want to do is eat sweet chocolate or chocolate chip cookies.  It makes me feel so much better in that moment.  In the long run, we know it is okay in moderation, but I have real trouble toeing the line between moderation and over indulgence.  I will let you know how this all turns out.  I have been doing well with my after lunch sweets.  I usually can get by with a smallish piece of dark chocolate.  It is the night time that gets me....the most stressful time of day is mid afternoon to kids' bedtime.  After they are in bed, especially on the nights my husband is not home....I eat...mostly too much.  This is my vice, and I have to work on it....for my own good!  But I can't give up chocolate and sweets completely....so the struggle continues.

VICE NUMBER THREE:  FACEBOOK

I love Facebook.  It has been such a lifeline for me, especially during my depression and dealing with my daughter's food allergy.  It has helped me to feel connected with the outside world and given me a way to communicate with cherished friends when I just need to talk.  I can clearly see the benefits it has in my life.  Especially the way it can allow me to share this blog and be a support to other struggling Mamas.  BUT, I am on Facebook way too much....so it comes down to figuring out how to draw a line again and sticking with it.  I am on too much in the evening which affects my marriage and I am on too much during the day which affects my time with my kids.  So I really need to work on this.  I need to come up with a schedule that works, that allows me to get the benefits of Facebook without succumbing to it completely.  I will let you know how this works out.

So my New Years Resolutions are to start attacking my VICES THREE.  It will be a process and a journey....but success here will just bring me closer to the light.  I will let you know how it goes.

Merry Christmas Everyone!  And Happy New Year!  May the season bring you joy and light!