On the Giving Up....

It has been a long six months since my last post.  My life has been the typical roller coaster that life brings, with the added kinks that battling depression brings to it.  Going back on my medication has helped.  It brought my anxiety under control very quickly.  It has helped with the depression.  I feel like it hasn't helped as much as it did before I went off it.  But...that choice was made and I can't go back and make it differently now.

So many things have happened in the last six months.  We took an amazing family vacation to the Caribbean, and were blessed to be able to share that with friends.  It was a great week.  We were totally unplugged and totally in the moment together.  It was hard to come back to reality after that.  Being away from everything felt so good, it was so freeing.  I wish I could feel so carefree every day.

We went on our vacation the last week of April, and then May and June passed by in the blink of an eye.  My kids are growing so super fast!  My Anne lost her first tooth, finished First Grade, TURNED SEVEN, and had her very first dance recital. This picture was from right before she went on stage.  She was SO nervous to be in front of all of those people.  When she was done I asked her how it was.  She told me she loved it.  "Who wouldn't like being up on the stage like that Mom?" she said to me. Well, I wouldn't!  I love the pluck this girl has.  She faces her fears with courage and grace and always finishes smiling. 

She has her own ups and downs though and we are working on that.  She feels emotions so deeply and often acts on what she feels before she thinks things through.  It is hard at the age of seven to recognize that point in yourself when you lose control of your behavior to your emotions.  I struggle with that sometimes myself.  She is destined for greatness though, my girl is, she is always full of surprises.  She got an award at the end of the school year for Kindness, and honestly no grade she could receive would could make me prouder than that.  Kind and Brave is what we are going for and she is well on her way.

Then there is my little guy, my Matthew.  In the past two months he has finished preschool, had his kindergarten orientation, fallen totally in love with Star Wars, and scratched his cornea in a scary accident.  Thankfully that healed quickly within a couple of days, but that is not an experience he or I will easily forget.  It was so hard to say good-bye to our pre-school.  Anne went there for two years and then Matthew started after she finished and did two years as well.  It was a part of our daily lives for four years and just like that it was over, and my baby is ready for kindergarten.  Wow!  This picture is of him walking out of the pre-school for the last time.  I cried.

All of this kids growing too fast and too many things changing has been very overwhelming for me.  I feel like I am losing my babies.  I know I still have lots of time with them, but I also know that time will fly by!  My snuggly, baby boy is going to Kindergarten and our afternoon snuggles before school pick up time have come to an end.  I already miss him and school doesn't start for two more months!

What is most overwhelming is the change in my Mom status.  I have been at home on full press kid duty for seven years, with both kids in school full time, this role will change significantly.  I know they will still need me and they will still be my priority.  I will be there to take them to activities, make sure they do their homework, make their lunches, and be there for any illness or injury.  I just don't know how to handle my time anymore.  If I think too much about what I want to, or should do with my time after school starts I have to stop thinking about it, because I don't know how to proceed.

This is the part where I have given up.   This depression and other life events have brought me through so many ups and downs and stops and starts I feel like I have given up on progressing forward.  Now don't get me wrong, I have generally and slowly moved forward over the last five years.  Things are very different now than they were in the beginning.  I just feel like real change is something that is not going to happen.  My view of how I should spend my days and how I actually do spend my days are very, very different.  I am not a perfectionist or an idealist.  I don't imagine some utopian lifestyle that is impossible to attain.  I just can't set and accomplish goals for myself for the simplest of things.  I can't make it to the gym on a regular basis.  I stopped going last fall when Anne got really sick with strep for a week and I pretty much never went back.  I never actually enjoyed going....it was much more soothing for me to spend my alone time getting things done and prepping for the holidays.   The longer I stayed away the easier it became to not return.  Now when I think about it I kick myself for wasting the money, because I haven't cancelled my membership, because I have to actually go to the gym to make any changes in my membership.  That is a more extreme example.  I have also failed miserably even at the smallest of goals I have set for myself, such as reading for a little while each day or getting in my devotional time every day.  I just feel like I keep failing over and over again so I just stopped trying.  It is easier for my life to stay in my comfortable little ruts, doing the same stuff every day.  I actually feel better when I have busier days and I do different things, but those quickly become overwhelming and I feel like I need a "rest" day and then before I know it, back in the comfortable ruts. 

I have given up on the fight to some extent.  When the depression comes on and it gets bad, I don't really have the will to fight it any more.  Thankfully the bad days do pass eventually.  Sometimes it is one day, but it has lasted up to a full week.  I can manage to a point, but I also have a breaking point where I fall apart completely.  I was that way for a couple of days in June and then it passed.  I am back to my status quo now, one day at a time.  Sometimes I get myself out there, some days I spend most of the time on my couch.  I am constantly fighting fatigue and my allergies and sometimes headaches too.   So I just wonder, will my life every actually change?  Will I get stronger?  Will I be able to reach some of my smaller goals, and someday maybe some of the bigger ones?  What am I actually going to do with myself come September?  Will I get myself more involved with things or will I just dig those ruts deeper?  Is there some hope for me?  A better way to fight it all?  I know there is very little to nothing anyone else can do for me at this point, I just wonder what I am actually capable of doing for myself.  I know there are things I do right every day, and my kids are doing well and growing in kindness and love, if I fail at everything else, maybe I can accomplish the one thing that matters most.  I just know that I need to do more and I fear that I can't.  Right now that is just where I am, and I don't know if there is much I can do about it.  Sometimes just putting it out there helps, in writing, floating in the universe...I don't know.  I know that I can push past it, I can fight it, I do win sometimes, but then it always sneaks back in and I lose again.  That is what makes it the hardest, at this point in the game I feel like the depression is never going to go away, it will always be a part of me.  Accepting that fact has made me feel like it has won.  Why should I keep fighting it back if it is never actually going to leave?  It's not like this is some movie or fairy tale with a happy ending.  This is real life and there is no miracle cure for this disease.  The stuff that helps doesn't make it go away, so what level of fighting is actually worthwhile?  What will actually be enough for me to move forward enough to make small changes here and there?  Is there an answer to that, or do I just give in and live life the way it is? 

This Crazy Up and Down Life!

I feel like I go so long between blog entries these days.  Honestly it is just this crazy up and down life I live.  I went off my anti depressants last spring and things were okay for awhile.  Then I had a bad cycle and they weren't okay for awhile.  Then the summer happened.  I was determined to keep myself and the kids busy through the summer, so that the depression would not sneak in and take over.  I guess that is always my goal, that it won't get in and take over.  But it does, and then I fight it off and things are good again...and then it comes back and so forth.

The summer was busy, we filled it with playgroups and playdates and swimming lessons and Vacation Bible School and family reunions.  I actually made it to the gym three times a week for most of the summer.  In general I was pretty impressed with myself.  I have had good days and bad days, but honestly the bad days hit harder without my meds.  I wouldn't say that there are necessarily any  more bad days being off the meds, the bad days just seem  harder.  My focus sometimes is so driven by just staying okay that I don't realize how it affects the rest of my life.

My husband is self employed in the wedding business.  He works all the time, and as you can imagine, the summers are especially busy for him.  So I live my summers determined to get through them and keep everyone busy and happy.  I stumbled through the bad days and pushed forward.  After a while I realized how angry and disconnected I was feeling.  And then I realized that we, my husband and I, just weren't talking anymore.  My bad days are really hard on him.  The anger pulses through my depressed mood and then before I know it, I am letting it all loose on him, and the kids, but more so at him.  The kids are used to me yelling, they are not even really phased by it anymore.  I wish I didn't do it as much as I do, and I try not to, but it still happens.  I don't think I am as "yelly" as I used to be though.  But on the really bad days I can't control it.  I was afraid things were getting too bad though, going down a road that we wouldn't be able to get back from.

So we found some time to reconnect, and went on an awesome family vacation the last week of summer.  We all needed it so much.  Going to the ocean always rejuvenates my soul.  My husband and I actually used to daydream about moving there.  We used to think that was the only place we could be happy.  This trip, though, as our daughter was declaring that she wanted to live at the beach forever, we realized that we are exactly in the area where we want to be.  We know that we have more to lose than to gain if we moved away from our family and friends and the kids' schools and our church family....it feels good to know that we actually have a place in the world where we feel settled.

Then school started.  We have a first grader and a pre-schooler this year.  My emotions started going all haywire about the kids growing up.  My baby will be starting Kindergarten in a year, and I just don't feel ready to give him up just yet.  I know he will be ready but I won't be.  Crazy roller coaster emotions.  And First Grade is hard.  HOMEWORK is hard.  We are just adjusting to a whole new set of routines.  I let the kids each choose one activity outside of school to participate in this year.  My daughter has wanted to dance forever, so I signed her up for ballet, and my son has been begging to play soccer for ever, so I signed him up for a soccer skills class.  So three nights a week after school we have activities now.  We have soccer night, church night and ballet night.  And on Saturday mornings the kids have swimming lessons.  I do better when I am busy, and I feel better when the kids are doing stuff that they love, and both of them really love their classes.  But it has also been a struggle to get in a routine where all the homework gets done, and dinner is on at a reasonable time.  And honestly I always feel that there is so much stuff to do, that I then start to get overwhelmed and then nothing gets done at all.

Right now I feel like I have this huge to do list and there is no way that anything will get done.  This is kind of funny, because who decides the stuff I have to do anyway?  I mean aside from the daily laundry, homework, food preparation  and cleaning, all that other stuff is on me, right?  All those deep cleaning and basement organizing and scrapbook making projects are things that I have assigned to myself.  I guess I don't really have to do them.  But I feel like I do.  Then there is the list of phone calls and e-mail kind of stuff that needs doing.  I  hate doing that stuff because the kids always interrupt me at the worst moments....and I just hate doing them.  I just need to buck up and plow through them, but finding the motivation for that can be challenging, so that stuff just falls into the I have overwhelmed myself category.  I don't know what it is about feeling overwhelmed.  This is kind of a new thing for me.  The just not feeling motivated feeling is very different from the overwhelmed feeling.

I think that I just keep coming up with these plans and ideas about how to make myself feel better, how to parent better, how to make my marriage better, how to make my relationship with God better.  Then I just fail miserably at trying to follow through with anything.  I bought a parenting book, a couples devotional and we went to a marriage retreat.  I get determined to diet and exercise and go to the gym and walk the dog...and all of these seem like completely reasonable things to do.  None of them take much time.  I just can't seem to do them.  The only thing I am doing remotely well is making it to the gym several times a week.  I usually do 3-4 times, unless I have a kid who is so sick that she misses four days of school.  That happened last week. 

So why can't I find time to read a book every day?  To pray more?  To clean the basement?  To write more blog entries?  To make that phone call to switch my car insurance?  It is seriously frustrating.  And when I stop to think about it, sometimes I wonder why I bother to try to change things at all.  I feel like even if I start, I will never follow through all the way anyway, so what is the point.  There are some days where I do really well and then I feel accomplished.  I have succeeded in creating a good school year routine for the kids.  We are keeping up with Anne's homework and both of their church quiet times pretty well.  We are fitting in their classes and dinner is on the table every day.  I have yet to fall into that giving up on dinner attitude that I have excelled at in the past.  But I just feel like I can't push it to the next level.  I feel like I will never get past the point of just doing what I have to do for show.  If the kids aren't fed and the homework isn't done, other people will see that.  I can run the vacuum and clean the bathroom before people come over. I would like to do more than just live on the surface though, but mostly I am just too tired.  I fight the daily battle.  Some days I win and some days I lose.  But I am coming to the conclusion that this depression is going to be part of me for the rest of my life, and it kind of sucks.  I wonder how much fighting is actually worth doing.  I feel like it is pointless to try to change because I will never really ever get there.  Then I just feel like I am failing myself and everyone in my life because I just can't move past it.  When I feel like this, everyone elses' lives just look so much easier, and better.  What do you do when you want to change, but you actually can't because something inside of you is broken? 

It is hard to go from having days where I feel motivated and I feel like I actually can change some of the things that I want to change, to days where I feel like everything is impossible.  In actuality, I have changed.  I have changed a lot.  I am more in tune with myself and my emotions, which is probably part of the reason why I feel like I have failed so miserably every time I lose it and yell at my kids or my husband.  I know that things can be better in certain areas in my life and I actually know what I need to do to change them, which is why I am so hard on myself when I feel overwhelmed and generally unable to move forward.  It is just a constant, exhausting battle.  I just have to do everything I can to make sure that I keep moving forward, even if I am moving at such a slow, painful crawl that I can't even see it.  I know that someday I will be able to see it, even if today is not one of those days.

Super Mom to Super BOMB!!

     Have you ever had a particularly awesome day?  A day where nothing can get you down, and you just sail through your trials smoothly without even the slightest dampening of spirit?  I had one of those days a couple of weeks ago.  Nothing stressed me out, it was amazing....I felt fantastic, almost too fantastic.

    It was a typical day.  Dinner was in the crockpot and I met my good friend and her two little ones, who are exactly the same age as my two, for a walk in the wilderness with my dog.    We chose a path that she had been on before, but not in the summer.  I had never been there.  It truly was the wilderness.  The paths were overgrown and bugs were everywhere...and of course we had no bug spray.  It has been raining forever around here, so the paths were covered in thick, thick mud, the kind of mud that will suck your shoes of if you stand still in it for too long.  I kept telling the kids to run quick through the muddy spots so their shoes wouldn't get sucked off.  We almost did lose a few shoes.  My dog of course was a muddy mess three minutes into the walk and was loving every second.  I was loving every second too.  The two, almost two year olds, decided that they didn't want to walk, they wanted to be carried...and we didn't have our back packs.  The walk that was supposed to last for about 45 minutes turned into two hours because we got lost.  In our defense though, the trail markers were kind of confusing.  So carrying babies on our hips and urging our four year olds along, my friend and I trudged through the wilderness.  I said at one point that we were like those pioneer Mamas following the wagon trains carrying their babies for ours on end.  My arms didn't get as tired as they usually do, I guess they knew how important their job was.  After we came to the same wooden bridge for the third time, I wondered how I would ever make it to my evening commitment on time.  Surprisingly that thought did not stress me out.  I hate being late for anything so it was strange that I wasn't upset.  Finally two hours after we left our cars, my friend led us out of the wilderness.  I felt exhilarated.  We were all completely covered in mud.  I attacked my daughter first, she was wearing shorts and was so brown from mud she looked like she had hairy legs from thigh to ankle.  I cleaned her up as best as I could, removing her shorts, socks and sneakers and wiping her down with baby wipes.  I put her in the car like that, planning on putting both kids in the tub the second I got home.  Then I went after my son.  He hadn't walked as much, but he was still pretty muddy.  I pulled off his socks, shoes and jeans, and found a tick crawling on his leg.  This did not freak me out, like I thought it would.  It wasn't biting him yet, so I flicked it off and we headed home after I toweled off my exhausted, but very happy, muddy dog.

   Once home, I washed both kids and checked them over for ticks very carefully.  Then I showered and checked myself.  I was supermomming it.  I had them both clean in about six minutes.  They were eating dinner when their dad came home, we were all cleaned up and out the door on time.  We made it to church....I felt something crawling on me.  I couldn't believe it was a tick.  I flushed it.  I had showered and was baffled that there was a tick on me still.  Lesson learned...showering does not wash off or scare away ticks.   When we got home, I checked the kids over again when I put them in their pjs.  They were clear.  Then after they were in bed, my husband checked me over.  There was a tick on me, right under my butt cheek.  It was embedded....after several hilarious circumstances and a trip to the store to buy some supplies by my husband....the tick was removed.

     That was just a day, full of circumstances that would have normally stressed me out.   Being lost, being late, being covered in icky insects....I felt good, like I could handle anything.  But....alas, that supermom feeling didn't last.  This past cycle has been challenging for me.  I find that my more depressed days are directly hormonally related and every three or four months I have a cycle that just hits me harder than other ones do.  Typically my "down" days are during the PMS stage and the Menstrual Stage of my cycle.  Sometimes it will last a few hours, sometimes a whole day.  If it is a bad cycle, those down days will also hit around ovulation. 

    I also had to take into consideration that there were other factors at play this time around.  My four year old had her tonsils and adenoids removed right in the middle.  I was 100% sure this was the right decision for her health, and I felt good about it.  The night before her surgery was when I began to realize that I was feeling anxious about it.  I barely slept that night and then had to get up at 5 am to get her to the hospital on time.   That was night one of sleep deprivation.  And it just continued over the next two weeks.  I was up with her to manage her pain, and to take her to the ER in the middle of the night on night two after the surgery.  She had barely had anything to drink all day and started vomiting early in the evening.  The pain medication seemed to be making her really nauseous.  We were really concerned about dehydration, hence the ER trip at 1 am.  That ER trip was traumatic for both of us, and I won't go in to detail.  Luckily they gave us some anti nausea medication that seemed to take care of the problem for Anne and she began to show steady improvement after that.  Once she started feeling better and stopped waking up in the night because of the pain, I was PMSing.  I don't often have anxiety issues at bedtime, but this round I was having a really hard time falling asleep and having really vivid and exhausting dreams when I was asleep.

   I know for me that sleep deprivation is the biggest trigger of my PPD.  I start doubting myself.  I start feeling like I am doing everything wrong or that I am just caught in a rut.  I start to worry that my PPD is turning into Chronic Depression.  I know that can happen....what if it does?  I start feeling like a Super Bomb of a Mom.

     I guess the best thing I can do is not write about it when I am at my worst.  Because if I look back on during a moment when things aren't so bad, I can see some of the things that are okay or even better.

    I have come to the conclusion that I am not a fan of hot, humid summer weather.  That doesn't make me a bad Mom.  We can stay in the air conditioning on a hot day.  I do feel guilty that there have been a lot of either really hot days or really raining days lately, and also Anne recovering from surgery days, so we have not done as much outside as we could, but I can try to do better.

     Anne has been a bit challenging lately, so we have upped the ante on her behavior chart this week.  She has been improving so much with the behaviors that we were originally looking at, but lately, she has started in with some attitude issues and is getting mouthy and disrespectful, so we are cracking down on this.  She had a tough week and did not get a reward this week, but I am already seeing her start to catch herself (sometimes) and rephrase what she is trying to say....so....progress.

     The most amazing thing that I have noticed lately are real moments of clarity.  I have spent so much of my life the last two years, just trying to make it through the day, and get done all the Mom things that need to be done, that I don't often just STOP.  I have caught myself doing this quite often lately.  I can think of multiple times this past week where I have just stopped and totally soaked in a conversation with Anne.  She is so hysterical, and has such an amazing imagination.  I love listening to her.  I have also been stopping and soaking up lots of little boy cuddles and kisses.  I am really starting to see the little person he is becoming and how funny he can be.  We have had some tickle time, I love hearing his little belly laugh.  I also have caught myself just listening and watching them play, either alone or together and just enjoying watching them be their own little selves.   This might not seem like a big deal, but it really is.  This is not something I have often been able to do....and suddenly I have realized that I am doing it all the time.  I don't know...it makes me feel more alive somehow.

My beautiful boy who always makes me smile!

Playing and giggling together!

      Today was actually not really the best day.  I am still exhausted, sleep has not improved for me lately, and I am up writing this entry because I couldn't settle down to sleep.  There were some things that went wrong this day, and negative emotions were felt more strongly than I would have liked, but I can sit down and look over the past few weeks and see that the times I thought were bad have some strong, strong light shining through.  Clarity is starting to come through the darkest moments.  I CAN still fight this, the light is shining.   I will always have challenges to overcome but things are changing.  If the gift of clarity is coming to me, then the strength to change the things that really need to be changed is coming.

My Greatest Teacher

Mommy to Anne :  "How did you get so big?  I am having severe Mommy issues with you getting so big."

Anne (sighs):  "I know Mom."

    It happens to all of us Moms...those occasional moments when we look at our kids and say to ourselves "Where did my baby go?"

My first glimpse, my first kiss.

     My oldest, my daughter Anne turns four in just two days.  FOUR!!!  I have my desktop background on my computer set to pull pictures randomly from my picture files every fifteen minutes.  I keep seeing pictures of tiny Anne.  Then I see the child in front of me and she is so BIG!  She truly is amazing.  I know all Moms think that about their kids.  When I see how happy and full of life she is, I wonder what I did right, when so often I feel that I have done absolutely everything wrong.   I feel that aside from myself, it was Anne that bore the brunt of my PPD.  There were days that I feared that I ruined her.  In the end it seems that we are both turning out okay.  In the end, in this journey to find myself, this journey to find my light, she has been my greatest teacher and my beacon of light and hope.

Anne at 18 months.

     In the midst of my struggles with PPD, my daughter added many challenges to the one I was already facing.  She was two when it all started.  A very strong willed two....and then a strong willed three.  One day I came to the realization that she is a Mini Me.  I started seeing traits in her that were reflections of things that I did not like about myself.  I saw her stubbornness, her selfishness, her intense need for control.  I could only see these traits in a negative light and found myself constantly butting heads with this beautiful small child that I simply could not bend to my will.  I wondered if I would survive potty training her....as she dragged it out for a year and a half.   I constantly questioned myself and my parenting abilities.  Those feelings of resentment and disconnect that most sufferers of PPD have towards their babies I found directed towards Anne instead....which only intensified the guilt.

  
    But I could not ignore the intense light that shines around this beautiful girl.  Slowly, I let myself learn from her, and I changed.  She SHINES!  She thinks her life is a musical, and would sing all day and night if the mood struck her.  Her smile lights up a room, with her big blue eyes and her Daddy's dimple on her chin.

    

   She is strong willed, and I have learned to be thankful for that.  She will ALWAYS be able to stand up for herself and for those who cannot defend themselves.  She is compassionate.  She is always concerned when others are hurt, or sad, or sick.    If I have a headache she will say "I am sorry that you have a headache." while she gently strokes my forehead with her small hand.   She can be a girly girl...but she LOVES trains.  Thomas the Tank Engine is the current center of her universe.  We will be celebrating with a Thomas Party on her birthday.

      I love that individuality about her.  I used to cringe when she would dress herself and it wouldn't match.  That was MY need for control.  Now I don't care if she wears stuff that doesn't match or if she wants to wear her Thomas shirt to school EVERY day.

    She has taught me how to be a parent.  She has taught me patience.  She has taught me what it truly means to pick my battles.  I am so in love with her.  I can't wait hear what words will come out of her mouth next.  She makes me laugh everyday, even on the bad days.  She has such a love for life.  She tells me she loves me all the time, and I know that she means it.  I am not sure what I did right in the midst of all that I did wrong.   I must have done something right, she is an AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, LOVING person.  And she is so incredibly happy. 

    I just can't believe that she is going to be four!  She is such a little person now.  A person that I can have real conversations and discussions with.  A person who is learning to understand consequences.  A person who is so mature about dealing with the hand that she has been dealt.  She takes her allergies in stride and doesn't ever complain.  I am so proud of the way that she handles herself.  She touches the hearts of everyone she meets.  I am not in a hurry for her to grow up and leave me...but I often wonder who she will grow up to be.  I am not sure...but I know that no matter what she does she is going to shine her light all over this world.  SHINE Anne SHINE!    I love you with everything in me.

Why ME TIME is important!!

Moms feel guilty all the time, let's admit it.  We feel guilty when we yell at our kids, we feel guilty when we discipline them, we feel guilty when they are sick and so on and so on.

We also feel guilty when we leave our children.  This is especially true for Moms' suffering from PPD.  For some of us, it is really hard to leave our kids because we already feel like awful mothers most of the time.  For me, I felt bad about leaving my kids, but I was also walking around with such a foggy brain that I couldn't think of a reason to go out of the house by myself, except for an occasional trip to Target.

When I started to go to doctor visits and counseling for my treatment, I realized how much easier it was to focus on what was going on with myself and what I needed to work on when I went alone.  Then counseling became AMAZING when I realized that for an hour a week, I could talk about whatever I needed to talk about without anyone or any crisis interrupting me! 

My husband is self employed and I am home with the kids.  There are times where his schedule requires him to be gone multiple evenings a week, so I am doing wake up to bedtime with the kids alone three or four nights a week.  This was the case when I was at the height of my depression.  I wasn't getting much time to myself at all.  My husband would have an occasional, rare chance to go out with his friends and I would encourage him to do so, because he was working so hard, but I was secretly envious, wishing that I had something fun to go and do with my friends...but I could never think of anything that sounded exciting enough to actually do.

I do have pockets of the day that I do hoard for myself.  After I feed my kids lunch I put them to bed, and then I watch General Hospital while I eat my lunch alone.  For a Mom to be able to eat a meal alone is always a gift!  However this is becoming more challenging as my three year old no longer naps and it is getting harder and harder to get her to stay in her room for 45 minutes in the afternoon.  So I take what I can get.  My kids are usually out at bedtime pretty quickly,   So evenings I do take some time for myself to watch a sappy movie or read a good book, and cuddle with my dog and try to wind down from the day.

When I started feeling a little better my counselor began encouraging me to find more time for myself.  Initially I felt selfish even considering it, and frustrated that I couldn't think of anything "good" to do.  I was able to set up a couple of dinner dates with friends, which was great, but challenging to align schedules.  Then I discovered the joy of Panera Bread and a good book.  So after my late afternoon counseling sessions I go to Panera and enjoy a quiet meal alone, while reading a good book.  Sometimes I run errands alone afterwards, and when I get home my fantastic husband has my kids fed and in bed already.  There have also been some days where I have snuck out to the library for a couple of hours.  The best thing about these little Mommy trips is that I feel so rejuvenated and so glad to see my kids when I get back.  I get the Mommy I missed you hugs, which are the BEST.  My husband realizes the importance of this and encourages me to go out by myself whenever he can, so if I don't have counseling that week, he makes sure I have another opportunity to go out.  Love my guy!!!

So if you don't regularly take time for yourself, I encourage you to try it.  A refreshed Mommy is much more able to enjoy her little ones.  If you can't think of anything to do, I encourage you to try your favorite restaurant and a good book.  Any Mom knows what a treat it is to be able to enjoy some good food without constant interruption or complaining from the kids. 

This weekend I am about to embark on something I have NEVER tried before.  After my son was born when he was around six months and my depression was bad, my daughter went to stay with my parents for a few days.  She had the TIME of her life being doted on by Grandma and Grandpa.  I missed her like crazy, but it was a good break for both of us.  I still had my son with me that time, because I was breastfeeding and I wasn't ready to let him go yet.  Those of you who are regular readers know that I recently found out my daughter is allergic to our cats.  One of my cats went to live with my sister's family a few weeks ago.  This weekend I am taking my other cat to Maryland to meet my friend from North Carolina who will be adopting my kitty.  My kids will be staying with my parents because my husband has to work.  I have never been away from both kids overnight before.  I am looking forward to the trip and having some girlfriend time, although I am sad about letting my kitty go.  I got some audio books for the long drive and am looking forward to some time of quiet reflection  I hope that you can find some quiet time for yourselves as well.  Have a great weekend :o)