On the Giving Up....

It has been a long six months since my last post.  My life has been the typical roller coaster that life brings, with the added kinks that battling depression brings to it.  Going back on my medication has helped.  It brought my anxiety under control very quickly.  It has helped with the depression.  I feel like it hasn't helped as much as it did before I went off it.  But...that choice was made and I can't go back and make it differently now.

So many things have happened in the last six months.  We took an amazing family vacation to the Caribbean, and were blessed to be able to share that with friends.  It was a great week.  We were totally unplugged and totally in the moment together.  It was hard to come back to reality after that.  Being away from everything felt so good, it was so freeing.  I wish I could feel so carefree every day.

We went on our vacation the last week of April, and then May and June passed by in the blink of an eye.  My kids are growing so super fast!  My Anne lost her first tooth, finished First Grade, TURNED SEVEN, and had her very first dance recital. This picture was from right before she went on stage.  She was SO nervous to be in front of all of those people.  When she was done I asked her how it was.  She told me she loved it.  "Who wouldn't like being up on the stage like that Mom?" she said to me. Well, I wouldn't!  I love the pluck this girl has.  She faces her fears with courage and grace and always finishes smiling. 

She has her own ups and downs though and we are working on that.  She feels emotions so deeply and often acts on what she feels before she thinks things through.  It is hard at the age of seven to recognize that point in yourself when you lose control of your behavior to your emotions.  I struggle with that sometimes myself.  She is destined for greatness though, my girl is, she is always full of surprises.  She got an award at the end of the school year for Kindness, and honestly no grade she could receive would could make me prouder than that.  Kind and Brave is what we are going for and she is well on her way.

Then there is my little guy, my Matthew.  In the past two months he has finished preschool, had his kindergarten orientation, fallen totally in love with Star Wars, and scratched his cornea in a scary accident.  Thankfully that healed quickly within a couple of days, but that is not an experience he or I will easily forget.  It was so hard to say good-bye to our pre-school.  Anne went there for two years and then Matthew started after she finished and did two years as well.  It was a part of our daily lives for four years and just like that it was over, and my baby is ready for kindergarten.  Wow!  This picture is of him walking out of the pre-school for the last time.  I cried.

All of this kids growing too fast and too many things changing has been very overwhelming for me.  I feel like I am losing my babies.  I know I still have lots of time with them, but I also know that time will fly by!  My snuggly, baby boy is going to Kindergarten and our afternoon snuggles before school pick up time have come to an end.  I already miss him and school doesn't start for two more months!

What is most overwhelming is the change in my Mom status.  I have been at home on full press kid duty for seven years, with both kids in school full time, this role will change significantly.  I know they will still need me and they will still be my priority.  I will be there to take them to activities, make sure they do their homework, make their lunches, and be there for any illness or injury.  I just don't know how to handle my time anymore.  If I think too much about what I want to, or should do with my time after school starts I have to stop thinking about it, because I don't know how to proceed.

This is the part where I have given up.   This depression and other life events have brought me through so many ups and downs and stops and starts I feel like I have given up on progressing forward.  Now don't get me wrong, I have generally and slowly moved forward over the last five years.  Things are very different now than they were in the beginning.  I just feel like real change is something that is not going to happen.  My view of how I should spend my days and how I actually do spend my days are very, very different.  I am not a perfectionist or an idealist.  I don't imagine some utopian lifestyle that is impossible to attain.  I just can't set and accomplish goals for myself for the simplest of things.  I can't make it to the gym on a regular basis.  I stopped going last fall when Anne got really sick with strep for a week and I pretty much never went back.  I never actually enjoyed going....it was much more soothing for me to spend my alone time getting things done and prepping for the holidays.   The longer I stayed away the easier it became to not return.  Now when I think about it I kick myself for wasting the money, because I haven't cancelled my membership, because I have to actually go to the gym to make any changes in my membership.  That is a more extreme example.  I have also failed miserably even at the smallest of goals I have set for myself, such as reading for a little while each day or getting in my devotional time every day.  I just feel like I keep failing over and over again so I just stopped trying.  It is easier for my life to stay in my comfortable little ruts, doing the same stuff every day.  I actually feel better when I have busier days and I do different things, but those quickly become overwhelming and I feel like I need a "rest" day and then before I know it, back in the comfortable ruts. 

I have given up on the fight to some extent.  When the depression comes on and it gets bad, I don't really have the will to fight it any more.  Thankfully the bad days do pass eventually.  Sometimes it is one day, but it has lasted up to a full week.  I can manage to a point, but I also have a breaking point where I fall apart completely.  I was that way for a couple of days in June and then it passed.  I am back to my status quo now, one day at a time.  Sometimes I get myself out there, some days I spend most of the time on my couch.  I am constantly fighting fatigue and my allergies and sometimes headaches too.   So I just wonder, will my life every actually change?  Will I get stronger?  Will I be able to reach some of my smaller goals, and someday maybe some of the bigger ones?  What am I actually going to do with myself come September?  Will I get myself more involved with things or will I just dig those ruts deeper?  Is there some hope for me?  A better way to fight it all?  I know there is very little to nothing anyone else can do for me at this point, I just wonder what I am actually capable of doing for myself.  I know there are things I do right every day, and my kids are doing well and growing in kindness and love, if I fail at everything else, maybe I can accomplish the one thing that matters most.  I just know that I need to do more and I fear that I can't.  Right now that is just where I am, and I don't know if there is much I can do about it.  Sometimes just putting it out there helps, in writing, floating in the universe...I don't know.  I know that I can push past it, I can fight it, I do win sometimes, but then it always sneaks back in and I lose again.  That is what makes it the hardest, at this point in the game I feel like the depression is never going to go away, it will always be a part of me.  Accepting that fact has made me feel like it has won.  Why should I keep fighting it back if it is never actually going to leave?  It's not like this is some movie or fairy tale with a happy ending.  This is real life and there is no miracle cure for this disease.  The stuff that helps doesn't make it go away, so what level of fighting is actually worthwhile?  What will actually be enough for me to move forward enough to make small changes here and there?  Is there an answer to that, or do I just give in and live life the way it is? 

Isolation

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I have been dealing with this depression for FIVE years.  That is some kind of crazy.  I can't even fathom that it has been that long, but then I can't even really remember life when I wasn't dealing with it.  On it goes.  When it all began as Postpartum Depression when my son was five months old, I never imagined I would be dealing with Chronic Depression five years later.  But then, I guess I never imagined I would be dealing with depression at all.

When I went off my antidepressants last spring I thought I was in a place where everything was manageable.  I was still having symptoms, but I could handle them, and I did, for awhile.  I made it through the summer, with some very rough weeks here and there.  My symptoms started getting worse when they happened, but they weren't happening all the time. They were still very cyclical, so I pressed on, even though I could feel the rage that was associated with my early depression starting to return.  I just kept super busy.  Playgroups, playdates, swimming lessons, family reunions, even a little vacation at the end of the summer.  In reality we really took that vacation because I was so desperate to get away and regroup, so we did and it was great.

Then school started and at first it was so freeing.  I was exercising more and plugging right along.  Then October hit and my daughter had a nasty case of strep that kept her out of school for five days...looking back that is when the tide really changed for me.  I haven't been back to the gym since that week she was sick.  Everyone has been taking turns being sick since then, me included.  Mostly minor stuff, but I have been dealing with sinus headaches and issues all through the fall and winter, mostly because of the extremely warm weather we have been having here for this time of year.

When November and December came I was just spending all my free time doing Christmas Shopping and Christmas preparations.  I knew I was really starting to go down hill, but I was in denial.  I was determined to make Christmas extra exciting and fun and perfect mostly because I was feeling so bad.  I love Christmas, and the excitement of getting ready for it, the anticipation in the waiting.  This year though, I just could not hold onto the spirit.  Don't get me wrong, the season wasn't a wash, but it was somewhat disappointing.  I have some great memories from some specific days.  We did make it NYC for our yearly holiday trip.  That day was practically perfect.  We had fun getting our tree and decorating, and Christmas morning itself was just what I hoped for.  And my kids loved every second of the season, so even if I wasn't always feeling it, they certainly were.  I just kept feeling like I was missing something.  The depression was stealing my joy.

And something else was happening.  The first few times were subtle and I was able to brush them off, but after Christmas was over, everything snowballed so fast.  I started having anxiety attacks.  I recognized what was happening.  Some issues happened at my daughters school regarding her peanut allergy that were very quickly resolved as soon as I voiced my concerns.  I started to realize that a lot of my anxiety was centered around her allergy.  It was happening at other times too, but that is where it started.  We started planning a trip for mid spring.  We have never flown before.  I started panicking thinking about flying with her and wondering how I was going to keep her safe.  I knew in my mind that my thoughts were illogical.  I knew that I was obsessing about situations that I was handling just fine.  I do my research, I plan for every possible scenario.  I know what to do if she has a reaction, and I know everything I can do to prevent one.  Why was this happening?  Anxiety had never been an issue for me before.  Then I just started feeling anxious a lot the time for no reason at all.  I couldn't figure out any particular trigger.  By this time my yearly physical with my doctor was only a few days away so I just waited it out.  But I didn't want to go anywhere unless I had to.  There were a couple of days where my husband took the kids out and I stayed home, and that was just how I wanted it to be.  I just wanted to be alone and not responsible for anyone else.  By this point I had resigned myself to the fact that I needed to go back on my medication.

This was a blow to me.  Not only was the anxiety a major issue by this point but the depression was totally winning.  I felt, I still feel, so defeated.  I am so tired of fighting this fight.  Five years is a really long time.  I sleep, I have nightmares, get woken up or can't fall asleep and get up every day exhausted.  Exhausted from not sleeping and from fighting the fight.  I have been living with the attitude that this is as good as it is going to get, so why bother?  Why bother going to the gym, or trying to eat better, or trying to get out there, this is just as good as it is going to get.  I just don't have any fight left.

I started my medications again two weeks ago.  At this point the anxiety is definitely better.  Some stressful stuff has happened since I started taking them again and I have definitely weathered them better.  This has been a relief.  The anxiety was more than I could handle.  At least I am used to feeling depressed, I know what to expect, and how to handle it if I have the energy to fight it.  The anxiety was different.  It was a new sensation, a scary sensation that I was really having a hard time dealing with.  Hopefully it won't come back!

I am not seeing much of an improvement with the depression at this point.  I have had a couple of better days, but not better overall.  I had forgotten that a side effect of the meds is definitely worse migraines and headaches.  I still got migraines when I was off the meds, but I forgot how bad mine can really get until I went back on.  I had one all day migraine a week and a half ago and I feel like it never really went away completely.  That crappy kind feeling doesn't do much for the mood.

The depression is heavy.  I feel isolated and disconnected.  I am doing okay with my kids, I don't feel disconnected from them, with my husband it comes and goes, but outside of this house, I just feel disconnected from everyone at this point.  I find myself avoiding having conversations with people.  Every now and then I will get out there in a group and chat with friends and actually feel pretty good.  I think for a second, "wait, there I am.", but then the next day I can be in a whole group of people that I know and feel partially invisible, like no one notices me, and partially hoping that no one will notice me.  People will say "hi, how are you doing." and I say 'good, how are you?" end conversation.  Why don't I say more?  I just can't get it out.  I can't say the stuff I want to say, or need to say.  I know what I need.  I am simply exhausted.  Right now, I can't fight the darkness back by myself.  I know that I need to be with people and to just do normal stuff.  I need to go out and walk the dog, go to the gym, just hang out with friends.  I don't even necessarily need to talk about all this stuff I just need to do normal stuff.  I need to not be alone in the house curled up on the couch all the time.  I really try to shine light in other peoples lives as much as I can. I try to be supportive and help out when people need help.  I try to help friends talk through stuff when they need to, watch their kids when they need a break and all that stuff.  I feel guilty for not doing that stuff for people right now.  But honestly I am in survival mode right now.  Most days I do the absolute minimum that I must do to get the family through that day and nothing more.  I don't have any more to give than that right now.

I have not given up the fight, but right now I am battle weary.  For now I have reached my limit, I need to rely on other peoples' light right now to help pull me up and out of the darkness.   Five years is a long time to fight.  It's a really long time.  I know that someday I won't have to fight anymore, and this burden will be lifted from me, but today is not that day.  My life has a purpose, I have a family to raise, I will get through this.  I just can't do it alone right now.  I need some light.

My fight song;
It's Not Over Yet

Addendum:  So last night after I went to bed I realized that I can't do math.  And I never claimed to be good at it anyway.  I have been fighting depression for four years not five.  Year Five is just beginning.  My husband and I were having a heart to heart last night and we were discussing how bad I have been feeling and I said to him "I just don't have any fight left."  He said to me "You always say that."  I said "I do?  But this is the worst it has ever been, since it all started."  He said, "You always fight your way out of it."  Thanks for the LIGHT my Love.

A Moment of Clarity

The last few days have been rough.  If you read yesterday's post you understand this.  Last night when my  husband got home, I left him to feed the kids dinner and went upstairs and prayed...my exhaustion took over and I fell asleep for about an hour and a half.  Then I got up and ate and had some quiet time because the kiddos were asleep by the time I came downstairs.  I slept pretty decently last night too.

Today has been a much better day.  It started off with me snuggling with this sweet face for about a half hour after he crawled into bed with me at 6 am.

After Matty got up and ventured off to wreak havoc on the household, I felt a migraine coming on.  So my hubby got up with Matt and I took my headache medicine and laid back down for awhile.  Luckily I was able to ward it off before it turned into a bad migraine.  Then this sweet girl climbed in bed with me for a snuggle.

I can't tell you how much better the day starts out when I am able to take the time to love on my kids.  Part of the frustration I was feeling yesterday was disconnection from my family, feeling like an outsider in my own life.  Cuddle time is very grounding.  It is good therapy.

When I was lying in bed this morning I realized that for the past several weeks I have been taking Claritin to deal with my allergies.  Hmmmm.....moment of clarity....My allergies are not usually super bad in the spring, but this year they have been.  Then I started to wonder...is it possible that the allergy medication is having some kind of effect on the efficacy of my anti-depressant.  I looked it up on line...definitely a possibility.  Then I dropped Anne off at school and went to run errands with my Matty boy.  The first errand was a stop at the pharmacy to pick up my prescription.  Since I was there I asked the pharmacist if it was possible that the drugs were interacting.  He asked when I took them.  I told him that I have been taking them both at the same time in the evening.  He told me that I want to avoid having the medications reaching peak potency at the same time by taking them at the same time.  He told me that the allergy medication could very well be contributing to some of the issues I have been having over the last several days. 

So maybe all the possible decision outcomes aren't so bleak after all.  I know that hormones in a bad PMS cycle have also come into play lately, and even when I was taking Cymbalta, the medication that has worked the best so far, I did still have two or three bad days a month.  That is way better than every day being a bad day. 

So I made a decision about what to try next.  I am going to stop taking Claritin and keep taking my antidepressant.  I am going to give it a week to get the Claritin completely out of my system.  Then i am going to see if I start feeling any better.  My period will also be over by then which will make me a much better judge of how good or bad the situation really is. 

Right now I am feeling hopefully that maybe this whole situation that I made so complex in my mind yesterday, might have a simple answer and it is not such a big deal after all.  In the mean time I am gong to cuddle and love my kids and take it one day at a time.

Pondering.....

Matty eating popcorn at Anne's soccer game. This is why he comes to the games.

I haven't written in awhile.  It isn't that I haven't thought about it.  I guess I am just feelings super frustrated and I have been busy too.  We have been going pretty much every day of the week lately between pre-school and soccer and church stuff.  I am not sure that soccer is the "thing" for my daughter.  She says she wants to go and complains when it is time to go and says she doesn't want to play because she never gets a turn to kick the ball.  I am thinking we will try something different next fall.  I think she would love dance but we will have to see if we can swing that on top of pre-school tuition for Matthew and kindergarten tuition for Anne. 

I have also survived my yearly week with Daddy away on his business trip.  My husband travels for a week once a year for his job and that is  probably the longest week each year for me.  The first year he went was when my PPD was at it's peak and I wasn't sure I was going to make it through.   I had some anxiety about him leaving before he left but we all survived the actual week just fine.  Now we are jumping head first into his busy season and I am trying to be relaxed about it.  I should be well used to him working all the time each summer, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier to deal with.    I get tired and unmotivated just thinking about it.  I hate going out when it is hot and humid and being cooped up with two small children and a dog is not my idea of fun either.  I would rather just take a nap most days.

When I last wrote, I had just started to take my new medication....after weaning off the stuff that clearly was  not working.  Rather than allowing me to go back on the old medication that worked just fine until I couldn't take it any more because of cost, the insurance company insisted that I "try" generic Effexor first and if that didn't work.....maybe I could go back on Cymbalta.  I was doing okay with the new stuff, but I was just not feeling myself, still really depressed so my doc increased my dose.  I figured that would happen because I started on such a low dose.  Now I have been on the higher dose for awhile and I am still having many depressed days and low motivation....with a little bit of that old time anger on the side.  And the side effects....guess what I discovered one of the "less severe" side effects of Effexor is....abnormal dreams.  I am right back to having significant nightmares and intense dreams again.  I am pretty much fed up with those, and sick and tired of being tired all the time.  I am also dealing with a couple of other annoying side effects. 

Now I am at an impasse.  I am tired of feeling depressed and I am tired of dealing with side effects.  Frankly, I feel that all the med changes have done more harm than good at this point.  I am considering going off medication all together.  Even when medication makes me feel better, there has to be some frustrating side effects to deal with along with the constant feeling of being tired.  I wonder if it is worth it, but I am also concerned about/afraid of going back to the state of virtual incapacitation that I used to be in.  I also wonder if I am able to go back on Cymbalta, which I did well with before with virtually no side effects, after being on all these different medications if it would still be as effective as it was before.  Then there is the hassle of changing medications.  It would have to go through the insurance company for approval, if it gets approved at all.  Then there is the nonsense of withdrawal from the current medication, and waiting for the new medication to take effect.

If I decide to go off medications all together, I will have to wait and go through withdrawal and see how I feel for a while after it is all out of my system.  I wonder if I am strong enough to try to go back to the old unmedicated me.  I wonder how much of what I have been feeling since last fall is related to all of the medication changes.  Maybe I really am okay underneath all of it, with the exception of my normal hormonal mood changes.

If I decide to stay on medications, I either have to deal with the current frustration and crap with the medication that I am on and continue to feel as sub par as I am feeling right now, or I have to deal with changing meds yet again and waiting to see what will happen, and it could take months until a med change can actually have me feeling better, if it does at all.  I know that there are lots of antidepressants out there, but I am running out of options in terms of what can work for me.  Many of the major "families" have not worked out at all.

So where does that leave me?  Either option does not make the next few months much to look forward to.  I have really been pondering the options.  I have been praying about it, and I am just not sure what I should do.  There is no clear answer.  I have not discussed this with my doctor yet.  I have an appointment in just under two weeks.  I may call before then, I might wait until the appointment.  I have not decided yet.

There is much to do and look forward to over the next few months.  My Anne turns five in less than two weeks and I have been working on planning her birthday bash.  She will also be finishing pre-school and going to kindergarten orientation.   Then she starts kindergarten in September, which will be here before we know it.  My Matty turns three in August, and starts pre-school in September.  We have lots of opportunities for playdates and day trips and time with extended family this summer.  We might also even get to take a short vacation.  I don't want to just try to get through all of these things....I don't want to spend the summer trying to force myself to do stuff.  I don't want to feel like I am missing out on my own life.  I am afraid that no matter what decision I make, I will leave myself in that state, when I feel like I am in the back seat of my own life.

I really make an effort to not write a blog entry when I am feeling really down, because I always want to leave my readers with hope that their situations will improve.  But I also try to be honest.  Sometimes it is just hard.  Sometimes you will feel awful.  Life can be frustrating.  It feels like I am constantly at war with myself, trying to find my old self somewhere in there.

I am trying to pull my focus on tasks and looking forward to things.  Right now I am working on my daughter's birthday party.  We are doing a Veggie Tales Pirates Who Don't Do Anything theme.  How is that for a mouthful?  I made invitations and am working on decorations and games.  I find it easier to cope when I have a task to focus on.  I am also looking forward to working on Anne's Birthday Scrapbook.  Every year I make my kids a scrapbook for their birthday that covers the whole previous year of their lives, with all important moments and memories captured for them to look back on.  Anne has grown and changed so much in this past year. Here are some of the decorations I have made for her party:

Pirate Larry the Cucumber

Pirate Pa Grape

Pirate Lunt

I think they turned out pretty well.  Here is hoping that the summer does too.

That Old Familiar Feeling

     It started creeping up on me yesterday afternoon...maybe it was because it was so beautiful for so many days and then it got cold and SNOWED.  Seriously, it was 75 degrees on Monday and snowing on Tuesday.  That is just weird.  I got through the day okay, but I didn't sleep all that great and our little guy was screaming with nightmares at 3 am.  Then I woke up with that heavy depressed feeling in my chest, you know, the one that makes you feel like there is literally an elephant sitting on your chest.  I am not sure what is going on.  It is a little soon for PMS related depression, and there is not really anything going on that would be triggering it....so maybe it has to do with the med changes.

It has been over 3 weeks since I stopped taking my other meds completely, so it has been over a month since I have been on the new medication Effexor.  It can take a few weeks for the old stuff to get completely out of my system.  I have actually been feeling good depression wise up until yesterday.  Although sickness has been sailing through this house so it has been kind of hard to determine how I am really feeling.  I had the cold and flu and then about a week later a horrific sinus infection.  My little guy has had an ear infection and my daughter and husband have both had the stomach bug, all within a week and a half of each other.    I saw my doctor last week for my sinus infection and I told her that I think that I am sleeping better but it is kind of hard to tell because nobody was really sleeping with everyone being sick.

Now that I am feeling better a week later, I think that I am sleeping a little better.  With the beautiful weather I have been more active than I have been in months.  I spent days doing a TON of yard work to get the backyard play worthy and we spent the day at my parents on Monday which always includes romps in the woods on Grandpa's special trails.  Everything kind of fizzed to a halt with the weather change yesterday...just when we were starting to enjoy spring!  The kids and I have been collecting fun naturey materials to build a Fairy Kingdom in our backyard.  Now we have to wait for the snow to melt before we can get started on that.  Projects are the best thing for me when I am feeling depressed, and the kids, especially Anne are pretty excited about it.

So I am going to give it some time with the new medication. I am on a pretty low dose right now, so we might just need to up it a little bit.  I have an appointment in June with my Doc, but I can call her anytime in the meantime.  I am going to give it through the weekend before I call though, I want to see if it continues....I am happy to stick with a lower dose if I can function with it.  For now, one day at a time. 

I am really looking forward to Easter with the kids and celebrating the Resurrection!  Our Church is also having a huge community Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday that my kids are excited about, and we have playdates scheduled for the next couple of days.  Anne is on spring break this week, so we are a little off routine, but it has been going pretty well.  The kids have been very well behaved, and my Matthew has been using the potty with great enthusiasm...so maybe no more diapers pretty soon.

I have some fun stuff to write about in the next couple of entries, and I will continue to record my progress.  Life is a Journey!

The Last Day!

So today is the last day that I have to take the generic Wellbutrin.  I am very ready to say good-bye to the intense, wacky dreams and get back into a better sleep pattern.  However the whole situation did not turn out as I had hoped it would.

The plan that my doctor and I decided upon was that I would go back on Cymbalta, the medication that so far I have had the best results and the least amount of side effects.  But my new insurance company requires a pre-authorization for Cymbalta.  We thought it wouldn't be a problem since I have been dealing with side effects now from 3 other different medications.  Well, after a week and a half of waiting I got a call from  my doctor.  She told me that the insurance company denied our request.  They will not approve me taking Cymbalta unless I "try" a medication called Effexor first.

Initially, I was quite upset by this news.  I was very frustrated thinking that I would have to take another medication and suffer with it for who knows how long before I could get approved for the one that I already know works.  My doctor was very reassuring and she told me that Effexor is in the same family as Cymbalta, it has just been around longer which is probably why the insurance company wanted me to try it first.  She told me to take a half dose of the Effexor for a week, and keep taking the Wellbutrin for that first week, and then start taking a full dose of the Effexor and STOP taking the Wellbutrin.

So I filled the prescription, then I did some research and compared the possible side effects of Effexor with Cymbalta.  The possible side effects are virtually identical.  I was relieved to see that Effexor did not list the dreaded "abnormal dreams" or "nightmares" as a possible side effect.  Every thing that I have taken that has listed that as a side effect has been a side effect for me.  Today was the day I have been waiting for, I took my last dose of Wellbutrin this morning.  I am not sure how it will all turn out, but I am hopeful.  At the very least, as long as I can get some better sleep, I think that my outlook will be much better.  For the first time in a long time, I actually took a decent nap yesterday that was not over run with crazy dreams.  This was a great relief because lately even my naps have been tainted with nightmares.  I am definitely ready for this chapter to end.  Spring is coming and I need more energy to get everyone outside in the fresh air.

So in other news....It really seems like my kids are so big all of the sudden.  It is really surreal.  I was watching old videos of them last night and I can't believe how much they have changed.  I am so amazed by how much they can do.  Overnight Anne has turned into this artist, she is suddenly coloring in the lines in coloring books and drawing amazing pictures.  This is the picture that she drew of herself, me, her brother, and her Daddy (from left to right).  She explained to me that this was me being mad that she wasn't picking up.  I think that she captured my "yelly" face very well.  LOL!

Life does feel kind of surreal some days when I look at these kids and see how much they have grown and changed.  Then I stop and think about how much I have grown and changed.  Things are definitely changing in our lives for the better.  Anne is growing more creative and independent and is absolutely blossoming at pre-school and at home.  She is learning things so fast, and I cannot keep up with her imagination.  Matthew is so sweet and loving, and he is suddenly so tall.  His wild side is coming out to balance his serious, focused side.  He likes to jump on the furniture and throw things, which I guess is typical of a two year old boy.  He is also very funny.  He cracks me up every day.  And although he is getting older he has not lost his ability to charm the ladies.

And I am continuing to grow and learn and change as journey along.  There are still many things I know I need to work on but I am also able to see how far I have come. 

Still Waiting...

So it has definitely been a while since I have written.  I have kind of been waiting to have something different to say, but....

Well I have been having a hard time since I had to go off the Cymbalta, not so much depression wise, but side effect wise.  As of my last entry we had added generic Wellbutrin to the generic Prozac I was taking in the hopes that it would help with the crazy dreams I have been having.  This is where I stand right now with that.  On both medications my side effects did get worse.  Three of these side effects have had a huge impact on the quality of sleep I have been getting.  The first factor of course is the dreams.  I have always been a crazy dreamer but normally that effect is cyclical.  During some days of the month I have more crazy dreams and wake up more often, and during other points it is usually about two times a night that I wake up.  When I say crazy dreams what I mean is my dreams just get me caught up in these intense and confusing stories that leave me waking up feeling like I just ran a three day marathon.  I wish my brain had a shut off switch but it doesn't.  I have long ago accepted this, but I need to get the dream level back to two wake ups a night instead of every single hour.

So at this point I am completely weaned off the Prozac and am only taking Wellbutrin.  This has been somewhat better, I don't feel as groggy during the day as I did when I was on both medications.  I am still battling the dreams though.  I have to take Benadryl or Tylenol PM to get any improvement in my sleep at all, and even with that I am still waking up every hour and a half to two hours.

Then there are the other side effects impacting my sleep which are extremely annoying night sweats,  and dry mouth.  I am constantly waking up thirsty.

Then there is the non medication side effect of parenthood...there has been a lot of this:

At least three or four times a week this little guy wakes up scared and wants a cuddle.  About half the time he does go back to his own bed, the other half of the time we spend the night with his toeys (Matt's word for toes) digging into one of us and his head digging into the other one.  This has been going on for I don't even know how long now.  This past week he was up in the night for two nights with a bad cold that resulted in an ear infection.  I don't mind getting up when he is sick, but I do wish that whatever keeps waking him up at night would stop.  I am always concerned that my kids are going to inherit the wild dreams that I have and that they will never get decent sleep either.

And there has been a TON of this:

Seriously, will this winter EVER end?  As I write this it is sleeting right now, which is supposed to turn to freezing rain in a few hours and then to snow...I keep telling myself that spring is coming.  I feel bad because we have been so cooped up this winter.  The snow is deep and it has been super cold, so we have been inside most of the time.  Which just makes my kids totally wild and I get a whole lot of this:

I am looking forward to better weather so we can all get out more.  I feel bad for my poor dog, I know he misses walks in the woods way more than the rest of us do.

I am relieved to be feeling less groggy taking just one medication.  It seems to be managing my depression very well, but the extreme lack of quality sleep is definitely affecting my energy and motivation levels.

When I last wrote we were still knee deep in the health insurance drama.  I am pleased to say that this has been resolved and my husband and I are now covered...and the coverage seems to be good (so far).  We just started on our new plan on March 1st.  We had temporary coverage before that.  I am so relieved to be able to just move forward now without that to worry about anymore.  I am so grateful for the my doctor.  She helped me to manage my medications over the phone while we waited for the insurance disaster to be sorted out, which is why I was able to wean off the Prozac.  Our temporary insurance covered the medications.  I finally got to see my doctor last week.  A good friend watched the kiddos so I could really talk to my doctor (kids tend to be a bit distracting in the doctor's office).  It seems that my new insurance should cover Cymbalta, which is what I used to take that worked really well.  However it does require a pre-authorization  from the insurance company.  I have been waiting on this for six days now.  After making some calls today it seems that the Pharmacy was trying to put the prescription through to the wrong insurance company, so I am still waiting.  My doctor was confident that this should get approved because of all the side effects I have been having with the other medications.  So now I am just waiting and praying that my doctor is right and everything will go through.  I am thankful that I have an excellent medical team that will advocate to work this out on my behalf.  Right now there isn't really anything I can do but wait.  Once this does go through, I should be completely off the Wellbutrin in a week and then I should start feeling more like myself again.

My husband pointed out to me that I was tired when I was taking the Cymbalta too.  I did not deny this, I am always tired, but I explained to him that there are LEVELS of tired.  The Cymbalta level of tired is easier to live with.  I would be (and I was tired) when I wasn't taking any medication at all.

If you are new to this depression thing don't be discouraged if the first medication that you take doesn't work well for you.  It can take time to find the right medication and the right dosage to get you to where you need to be.  Don't give up, it does get better.

In the meantime,  I have been working on registering one kid for Kindergarten and one kid for pre-school.  I don't know what I am going to do with myself having two kids in school, even if that will be the case only two mornings a week.  Both of my kids suddenly seem so big to me.  They have both grown so much.  I have been buying new clothes for my daughter every time I turn around.  I have been working on setting some goals and priorities, and figuring out how to get from where I am to where I want to be.  I am happy to say that our general life situation is definitely good right now.  Lots of things have been changing for the better over the last year and a half or so, and it is very exciting to see....although I wish my monkeys would slow down a little bit in the growing up department.  My little guy definitely isn't a baby anymore.  He seems so grown up....if only I could get him to use the potty.  That is not a task I am ready to take on just yet though, unless he wants to do it...in the meantime only this guy has been using the potty:

Keep moving forward!  Don't look back, it can only get better!  And hold on to the things that matter most!  Here I am with my three kids...if you look closely you can see my dog's eyes glowing.  He is a black lab so he tends to blend in with the couch :o)

I Don't Have PPD anymore.....

Photo by Maria McNeil Photography

      My precious little boy is sitting on my lap right now, chattering away.  Sometimes I just have to stop and soak him in, my little sweet, snuggly boy.  His sister is asking him to play and he is saying that he wants to stay with Mommy.  So, until he is ready to run off and play, I will snuggle him while he is willing to be snuggled.  He is the one that started me on this journey two years ago.  My postpartum depression started when he was five months old.  As hard as these two years have been, having him has been wonderful.  I am so in love with the little boy on my lap, I wouldn't trade him for anything, I gladly embrace the struggles that brought him into my life.  His name is Matthew, which means "Gift of God", and he is.

     I had my yearly physical with my General Practitioner the other day.  We discussed how my medication change has been going.  When I last wrote a blog entry, I shared that the medication change was not going well and that I was feeling pretty rotten.  I called my doctor after I wrote the entry and had a good talk with her.  She increased the dosage of my new medication and that helped almost immediately.  By the next day I was feeling much better.  For the most part I have been doing better during the day, but nighttime has been a challenge.  My dreams have  been a problem for me my whole life, but mostly they are just weird.  I very rarely have nightmares, most of my dreams aren't even about me.  I usually feel that I am just on the set of some really weird movie.  I often wake up wondering what strangeness is going on in my head, but other than leaving me tired, my dreams usually have little effect on me.  However, since I started my new medication my dreams have changed.  I have been having really emotional dreams related to my own life that cause me to wake up from the dreams with those emotions still attached.  They are never pleasant emotions either, usually sadness or other stressful feelings.   This has had a huge effect on how my day starts off and my overall emotions.  I discussed a few options with my doctor.  She said that this change in dreams is because of the medication.  We decided to try a new medication combination that should alleviate this problem.  Of course this change will take time and will eventually result in me taking less of my current medication with more of the new medication.  I have accepted the fact that it is going to take time to get back to where I need to be, back to how I was feeling a few months ago.  I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in 6 weeks and hopefully no more changes will be needed after this.  So that is the update on how I am doing.

     While I was with my doctor I asked her something that I have been wondering about.  This medication change has made it very clear to me that my depression is still a huge issue that impacts my daily life.   I asked her when it stops being considered Postpartum Depression.  She told me that after two years it isn't considered Postpartum Depression anymore, it is considered Chronic Depression.  She told me that it doesn't matter what it is called the treatment is the same.   She also assured me that there is hope that it won't stay with me forever (believe me there are many days where I wonder about that).    She said as my kids get older it will get easier and as my hormones continue to change that can help too.  So that is where I am.  I am one of those women whose Postpartum Depression did not go away.  I am now considered to have Chronic Depression.  Wow.  I knew this was the case, but actually processing and accepting this fact has been interesting.  The thought doesn't scare me as it has in the past.  I can certainly manage this....most days.  I have learned many coping skills and I have an amazing doctor that is very knowledgeable about depression and medications.  She is also pretty much always available if I need her and very supportive of me.  I know that I am lucky to have a doctor like her.  I am not thrilled about the prospect of taking medication for the long term...but I am also very grateful that I have that as an option.  Medication has improved my quality of life tremendously. 

   This is the conclusion I have come to with the revelation that I have Chronic Depression.   My depression is a part of me, a part of my life journey, but it will not define me.  If I didn't have this depression, I would also not have many things in my life that I consider blessings (like my son!).  When I get frustrated with having to deal with the depression, I try to remind myself that God knows what he is doing, and that this is part of his plan for more reasons than I could possibly imagine.  After all, everybody has some kind of struggle that they have to deal with.  So I will take my journey and try to use it for His glory the best that I can, because I know that he is always with me.

Keeping it Real...

It has been about five weeks since I had to switch my medication.  It was tough at first, the going off one and starting up the other, but after about two weeks it started to even out...and I felt pretty good for a week.  Now....not so much.

I try not to post when I am in the "depths of despair" as my favorite heroine Anne of Green Gables would say.  The purpose of this blog is to let other Mamas know that they are not alone and that they can get through this....there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.  But it is also important to tell the truth...this is just how it is.  My Journey to the Light has been going on for a year and 10 months now....and I still have not gotten there.  That is just the way it is.  I don't know how long it is going to take me to get there, or if I ever will.

Here is where it stands.  I can cope better now that I used to be able to cope.  I can see the signs better.  My husband sees the signs and knows when I need extra support...but it is still there.  This medication change has not gone as well as I hoped it would.  It seemed okay for a little while, but the last week or so has been really hard. I have been waking up almost every morning with that "heavy", sad feeling in my chest.  Some days I have been able to shake it as the day goes on, most days I have not been able to.  Yesterday was especially brutal.  I was able to meet my "responsibilities".  I got Anne out to school on time and I picked her up on time....I did some cleaning and bathed the dog and even made a healthy crockpot dinner.  But it was gorgeous out yesterday....sunny and 65%....in NOVEMBER, and I could not pull myself together to take the kids and the dog outside.  All I kept thinking was that I was that I am never going to beat this.

Today I am tired, I am tired of the fight.  I am beyond irritated that circumstances demanded that I switch medications.  The old stuff was working just fine, thank you very much!!!  If it ain't broke, don't fix it!  Now I am in exactly in the situation that I feared when the switch happened.  I am sleeping terribly, my dreams have intensified greatly and I am waking up all the time throughout the night.  So I start the day tired, and depressed and just try to get through it.  BUT, I am tired of just trying to get through it.  I am ready to be done, to be myself again.  It is frustrating to have days where I use all the tools in my arsenal and I still can't win.  My husband was awesome yesterday, as he most always is.  He came home from work and sent me out of the house for awhile, so I took my book to Panera.  I felt better while I was reading my book.  I escaped the world for a bit, but it didn't last.  Still, it felt good to get out. 

Today has been a teeny bit better.  My MOPS group met today so I got out again....one kid is actually napping this afternoon which NEVER happens.  I tried to nap too, which is all that I want to do lately...but the other kid didn't allow for it to happen, so I had to settle for puppy snuggles from my awesome dog. 

I think that I need to increase the dose of my new medication.  I am hoping that will help the situation, but I worry that it may intensify my dreams even more and leave me more exhausted, which just leaves me more susceptible to feeling down.  I have a phone call in to my doctor, I am just waiting for a response, knowing it could take a day or two.  I have a doctor's appointment with her in two weeks, but I thought it better not to wait that long if I can start getting myself together sooner.  I HATE having to rely on medication, but I am so thankful that it helps me to be me.  I just want to feel like myself again.

So...how do I cope when it is this bad?  The first thing I do is communicate the details of how I am feeling with my husband.  He has been there with me through all of this and is super supportive.  It is important to tell him EXACTLY how bad I am feeling so he knows the level of support I need.  Second, I try to take some time for myself, like my few hours out last night.  Third, I talk to close friends about what is going on...the extra Mommy support is imperative.  Fourth....I give myself lots of stuff to do, cleaning, creative projects....painting rooms, whatever I can come up with.  I am working on some Christmas ideas now and getting ready to paint the two main rooms of our house which desperately need a face lift.  Fifth....I try really, really, hard not to feel guilty about "not doing enough" as a Mom.  I take care of my kids, give them lots of love and try to forgive myself for not doing as much fun stuff as I would like to do with them.  Sixth....and most important...is to communicate with my doctor about what is going on.  She is awesome and I am sure will have some answers on how to deal with this.  If she doesn't get the message that I left her today, I will be sure to call her back tomorrow.  And lastly....I know I need to wait this out....this too shall pass and it will not last forever.

Hang in there Mamas...sometimes all we have to do is remember that we are stronger than we feel like we are some days.

It is still there....

I have been maintaining very well for a months now, on the right dose of the right medication.  I finished up therapy, and have been keeping myself pretty busy.  I have still had my "dips" on a monthly basis.  I have been able to recognize the pattern.  I know I am going to have 3 to 4 bad days a month, and I also know that every few months I am going to have an extra bad  month which will be 6 or 7 bad days.  I can deal with this because I know what to expect.  But it has also left me wondering:  Is the depression still there?  Is what I am experiencing merely hormonal shifts?  How long do I need to stay on the medication?  Since I have only felt well controlled for about 8 months or so, I haven't felt ready to "take the plunge" and go off the medication.

Then life threw me an unexpected twist to let me know where I REALLY stand.  I don't have prescription coverage, but the county that I live in gives a prescription card out to ALL of its' residents.  This has been great for my family, but the catch is that it only covers generic medication.  I have been on Cymbalta for my depression.  Initially we tried Zoloft, but that didn't work as well as I needed and I had some issues with side effects.  The Cymbalta has been wonderful since we found the right dosage for me.  The only side effect that I have had to deal with has been some fatigue.  However, Cymbalta does not have a generic.  My doctor's office has been providing me with samples for about a year.  The office has recently stopped receiving samples.  The cost of the medication is way too high for my family to afford on a monthly basis.  So I was faced with the choice to go off medication all together or switch to another antidepressant.  This was really not a choice that I wanted to make.  I was completely happy with the predictable way things were going and how well my current medication was working. 

I really felt that I wasn't ready to go off medication and I was concerned about stopping cold turkey anyway.  My pharmacist (who is really wonderful) gave me some advice and I called my doctor and made an appointment.  Now, my GP is absolutely fabulous.  I could not ask for a better, more understanding doctor.  She saw me pretty much right away.  She said that they are no longer getting samples of Cymbalta because it is going generic at some point in the future and it is not cost effective for the company to give out samples any more.  However we can't wait for it to go generic, who knows how long that will be.  We had a long talk, discussed my options and the symptoms that I am still experiencing.  We made the decision to switch to Fluoxetine.  My GP felt that because I am still experiencing depressive symptoms on a regular basis that I needed to stay on a stronger medication as close in structure to the Cymbalta as possible.  Sigh...the big concern with this medication is that it is a hard one to come off of.  I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. 

So I am one week into the medication switch as of today....I am weaning off the Cymbalta while starting the Fluoxetine.  And it is definitely still there.  I have been feeling my depressive symptoms returning as I am weaning off the Cymbalta.   I know I have to be patient through this change, and I did expect that this would happen.  It will take time for the Fluoxetine to build up in my system enough to start to work, and I may need a higher dose of it.  But you know, I just don't want to deal with this again.  I don't want to have to struggle to get through the day.  I have been there and done that, and I feel like I have put in my time already!  I just have to try to keep myself busy and wait this out, but it isn't easy, and it certainly is not fun.  The next few weeks are not going to be a picnic for sure...

This experience is clearly answering my question as to whether or not I am ready to go off the medication.  The answer to that question is a resounding NO.  Now I am left with another question....is it still PPD or am I starting to head down the road of chronic major depression?  I guess the answer to that question doesn't really matter.  I can't look too far into the future with this.  I just have to fight this as hard as I can on a daily basis.  I won't let it win.  The fight just has me tired.  I think the meds might have something to do with that too.  I wish I didn't have to be on meds and deal with side effects, but the medication is the only thing that allows me to be ME.  That is one thing I have learned.  The depression is not me, it is just something that I have to deal with, and I have to fight it so I can be me.