I Don't Have PPD anymore.....

Photo by Maria McNeil Photography

      My precious little boy is sitting on my lap right now, chattering away.  Sometimes I just have to stop and soak him in, my little sweet, snuggly boy.  His sister is asking him to play and he is saying that he wants to stay with Mommy.  So, until he is ready to run off and play, I will snuggle him while he is willing to be snuggled.  He is the one that started me on this journey two years ago.  My postpartum depression started when he was five months old.  As hard as these two years have been, having him has been wonderful.  I am so in love with the little boy on my lap, I wouldn't trade him for anything, I gladly embrace the struggles that brought him into my life.  His name is Matthew, which means "Gift of God", and he is.

     I had my yearly physical with my General Practitioner the other day.  We discussed how my medication change has been going.  When I last wrote a blog entry, I shared that the medication change was not going well and that I was feeling pretty rotten.  I called my doctor after I wrote the entry and had a good talk with her.  She increased the dosage of my new medication and that helped almost immediately.  By the next day I was feeling much better.  For the most part I have been doing better during the day, but nighttime has been a challenge.  My dreams have  been a problem for me my whole life, but mostly they are just weird.  I very rarely have nightmares, most of my dreams aren't even about me.  I usually feel that I am just on the set of some really weird movie.  I often wake up wondering what strangeness is going on in my head, but other than leaving me tired, my dreams usually have little effect on me.  However, since I started my new medication my dreams have changed.  I have been having really emotional dreams related to my own life that cause me to wake up from the dreams with those emotions still attached.  They are never pleasant emotions either, usually sadness or other stressful feelings.   This has had a huge effect on how my day starts off and my overall emotions.  I discussed a few options with my doctor.  She said that this change in dreams is because of the medication.  We decided to try a new medication combination that should alleviate this problem.  Of course this change will take time and will eventually result in me taking less of my current medication with more of the new medication.  I have accepted the fact that it is going to take time to get back to where I need to be, back to how I was feeling a few months ago.  I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in 6 weeks and hopefully no more changes will be needed after this.  So that is the update on how I am doing.

     While I was with my doctor I asked her something that I have been wondering about.  This medication change has made it very clear to me that my depression is still a huge issue that impacts my daily life.   I asked her when it stops being considered Postpartum Depression.  She told me that after two years it isn't considered Postpartum Depression anymore, it is considered Chronic Depression.  She told me that it doesn't matter what it is called the treatment is the same.   She also assured me that there is hope that it won't stay with me forever (believe me there are many days where I wonder about that).    She said as my kids get older it will get easier and as my hormones continue to change that can help too.  So that is where I am.  I am one of those women whose Postpartum Depression did not go away.  I am now considered to have Chronic Depression.  Wow.  I knew this was the case, but actually processing and accepting this fact has been interesting.  The thought doesn't scare me as it has in the past.  I can certainly manage this....most days.  I have learned many coping skills and I have an amazing doctor that is very knowledgeable about depression and medications.  She is also pretty much always available if I need her and very supportive of me.  I know that I am lucky to have a doctor like her.  I am not thrilled about the prospect of taking medication for the long term...but I am also very grateful that I have that as an option.  Medication has improved my quality of life tremendously. 

   This is the conclusion I have come to with the revelation that I have Chronic Depression.   My depression is a part of me, a part of my life journey, but it will not define me.  If I didn't have this depression, I would also not have many things in my life that I consider blessings (like my son!).  When I get frustrated with having to deal with the depression, I try to remind myself that God knows what he is doing, and that this is part of his plan for more reasons than I could possibly imagine.  After all, everybody has some kind of struggle that they have to deal with.  So I will take my journey and try to use it for His glory the best that I can, because I know that he is always with me.