Super Mom to Super BOMB!!

     Have you ever had a particularly awesome day?  A day where nothing can get you down, and you just sail through your trials smoothly without even the slightest dampening of spirit?  I had one of those days a couple of weeks ago.  Nothing stressed me out, it was amazing....I felt fantastic, almost too fantastic.

    It was a typical day.  Dinner was in the crockpot and I met my good friend and her two little ones, who are exactly the same age as my two, for a walk in the wilderness with my dog.    We chose a path that she had been on before, but not in the summer.  I had never been there.  It truly was the wilderness.  The paths were overgrown and bugs were everywhere...and of course we had no bug spray.  It has been raining forever around here, so the paths were covered in thick, thick mud, the kind of mud that will suck your shoes of if you stand still in it for too long.  I kept telling the kids to run quick through the muddy spots so their shoes wouldn't get sucked off.  We almost did lose a few shoes.  My dog of course was a muddy mess three minutes into the walk and was loving every second.  I was loving every second too.  The two, almost two year olds, decided that they didn't want to walk, they wanted to be carried...and we didn't have our back packs.  The walk that was supposed to last for about 45 minutes turned into two hours because we got lost.  In our defense though, the trail markers were kind of confusing.  So carrying babies on our hips and urging our four year olds along, my friend and I trudged through the wilderness.  I said at one point that we were like those pioneer Mamas following the wagon trains carrying their babies for ours on end.  My arms didn't get as tired as they usually do, I guess they knew how important their job was.  After we came to the same wooden bridge for the third time, I wondered how I would ever make it to my evening commitment on time.  Surprisingly that thought did not stress me out.  I hate being late for anything so it was strange that I wasn't upset.  Finally two hours after we left our cars, my friend led us out of the wilderness.  I felt exhilarated.  We were all completely covered in mud.  I attacked my daughter first, she was wearing shorts and was so brown from mud she looked like she had hairy legs from thigh to ankle.  I cleaned her up as best as I could, removing her shorts, socks and sneakers and wiping her down with baby wipes.  I put her in the car like that, planning on putting both kids in the tub the second I got home.  Then I went after my son.  He hadn't walked as much, but he was still pretty muddy.  I pulled off his socks, shoes and jeans, and found a tick crawling on his leg.  This did not freak me out, like I thought it would.  It wasn't biting him yet, so I flicked it off and we headed home after I toweled off my exhausted, but very happy, muddy dog.

   Once home, I washed both kids and checked them over for ticks very carefully.  Then I showered and checked myself.  I was supermomming it.  I had them both clean in about six minutes.  They were eating dinner when their dad came home, we were all cleaned up and out the door on time.  We made it to church....I felt something crawling on me.  I couldn't believe it was a tick.  I flushed it.  I had showered and was baffled that there was a tick on me still.  Lesson learned...showering does not wash off or scare away ticks.   When we got home, I checked the kids over again when I put them in their pjs.  They were clear.  Then after they were in bed, my husband checked me over.  There was a tick on me, right under my butt cheek.  It was embedded....after several hilarious circumstances and a trip to the store to buy some supplies by my husband....the tick was removed.

     That was just a day, full of circumstances that would have normally stressed me out.   Being lost, being late, being covered in icky insects....I felt good, like I could handle anything.  But....alas, that supermom feeling didn't last.  This past cycle has been challenging for me.  I find that my more depressed days are directly hormonally related and every three or four months I have a cycle that just hits me harder than other ones do.  Typically my "down" days are during the PMS stage and the Menstrual Stage of my cycle.  Sometimes it will last a few hours, sometimes a whole day.  If it is a bad cycle, those down days will also hit around ovulation. 

    I also had to take into consideration that there were other factors at play this time around.  My four year old had her tonsils and adenoids removed right in the middle.  I was 100% sure this was the right decision for her health, and I felt good about it.  The night before her surgery was when I began to realize that I was feeling anxious about it.  I barely slept that night and then had to get up at 5 am to get her to the hospital on time.   That was night one of sleep deprivation.  And it just continued over the next two weeks.  I was up with her to manage her pain, and to take her to the ER in the middle of the night on night two after the surgery.  She had barely had anything to drink all day and started vomiting early in the evening.  The pain medication seemed to be making her really nauseous.  We were really concerned about dehydration, hence the ER trip at 1 am.  That ER trip was traumatic for both of us, and I won't go in to detail.  Luckily they gave us some anti nausea medication that seemed to take care of the problem for Anne and she began to show steady improvement after that.  Once she started feeling better and stopped waking up in the night because of the pain, I was PMSing.  I don't often have anxiety issues at bedtime, but this round I was having a really hard time falling asleep and having really vivid and exhausting dreams when I was asleep.

   I know for me that sleep deprivation is the biggest trigger of my PPD.  I start doubting myself.  I start feeling like I am doing everything wrong or that I am just caught in a rut.  I start to worry that my PPD is turning into Chronic Depression.  I know that can happen....what if it does?  I start feeling like a Super Bomb of a Mom.

     I guess the best thing I can do is not write about it when I am at my worst.  Because if I look back on during a moment when things aren't so bad, I can see some of the things that are okay or even better.

    I have come to the conclusion that I am not a fan of hot, humid summer weather.  That doesn't make me a bad Mom.  We can stay in the air conditioning on a hot day.  I do feel guilty that there have been a lot of either really hot days or really raining days lately, and also Anne recovering from surgery days, so we have not done as much outside as we could, but I can try to do better.

     Anne has been a bit challenging lately, so we have upped the ante on her behavior chart this week.  She has been improving so much with the behaviors that we were originally looking at, but lately, she has started in with some attitude issues and is getting mouthy and disrespectful, so we are cracking down on this.  She had a tough week and did not get a reward this week, but I am already seeing her start to catch herself (sometimes) and rephrase what she is trying to say....so....progress.

     The most amazing thing that I have noticed lately are real moments of clarity.  I have spent so much of my life the last two years, just trying to make it through the day, and get done all the Mom things that need to be done, that I don't often just STOP.  I have caught myself doing this quite often lately.  I can think of multiple times this past week where I have just stopped and totally soaked in a conversation with Anne.  She is so hysterical, and has such an amazing imagination.  I love listening to her.  I have also been stopping and soaking up lots of little boy cuddles and kisses.  I am really starting to see the little person he is becoming and how funny he can be.  We have had some tickle time, I love hearing his little belly laugh.  I also have caught myself just listening and watching them play, either alone or together and just enjoying watching them be their own little selves.   This might not seem like a big deal, but it really is.  This is not something I have often been able to do....and suddenly I have realized that I am doing it all the time.  I don't know...it makes me feel more alive somehow.

My beautiful boy who always makes me smile!

Playing and giggling together!

      Today was actually not really the best day.  I am still exhausted, sleep has not improved for me lately, and I am up writing this entry because I couldn't settle down to sleep.  There were some things that went wrong this day, and negative emotions were felt more strongly than I would have liked, but I can sit down and look over the past few weeks and see that the times I thought were bad have some strong, strong light shining through.  Clarity is starting to come through the darkest moments.  I CAN still fight this, the light is shining.   I will always have challenges to overcome but things are changing.  If the gift of clarity is coming to me, then the strength to change the things that really need to be changed is coming.

Be the Positive!

I can't believe that it has actually been a month since I posted my last blog entry!  What a month it has been. Anne turned four and she got to meet Thomas the Tank Engine.  Mommy has had some ups and downs which I will talk about in another entry at some point and Anne got her tonsils and adenoids out.  It has been a busy month for this Mama.  Everyone is doing pretty well though.  We have had some good family time together, and Anne is healing nicely.

Anne meets Thomas in the most exciting and magical day of her young life!

I actually started writing another entry the other day, and then I was able to have a conversation with a dear and cherished friend.  I have not spoken to this friend in a really long time because she has been going through some horrific trials in her life....stuff that no one should have to ever endure.  After that conversation she was all that I could think about.  Life is hard.  We are all given burdens to carry, trials to overcome.  I think about people in my life dealing with infertility, parenting difficult teens, dealing with illness, extreme financial hardship, coping with grief.  Then there is the whole battery of emotions that come along with whatever difficulties we are facing.  Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling what I am feeling, knowing that someone I love is in a situation far worse than mine.

What can we do?

First and foremost, we have to accept where we are.  I have learned that I cannot care for other people if I don't care for myself.   I can't feel guilty about what I am feeling because someone else has it worse than I do.  I do the best I can to make sure I have time to rest, deal with my emotions, and to give myself time and space to breathe. 

Next, reach out to the people in your life that are struggling.  Sometimes all you can do is offer words of support, encouragement and love.  That might not feel like enough, but in actuality, is the most powerful thing you can do.

Life is like the internet, full of trolls.  There is so much negativity out there.  I can't believe the comments I read on different articles and blogs out there.  I cannot believe how cruel people are.  Especially because the internet offers such anonymity, people think that they can say whatever they want.  I don't know if people forget that someone is going to read their cruel words and be cut down, or if they just don't care.  Sometimes I fear that people go out there actually intending to hurt others.

In a world of such negativity, we Mamas have to BE THE POSITIVE.  We have to teach our children to love and respect others.  We have to teach them not to be judgmental.  We have to teach them courageous and loving responses for when they are hurt by others.

Mamas, we cannot teach our children to be positive if we are not positive ourselves.  We Mamas are all in this together.  We must reach out to the struggling and hurting Mamas around us and offer loving support and encouragement.  We need to help those Mamas to care for themselves, and let them know that on the hard days they always have someone to turn to.  We Mamas must never let another Mama feel like they are in it alone. 


To my dear, dear, cherished friend (and all those other hurting Mamas out there),

You are so loved by God, by your friends and by your family.  I know that times are hard right now and the odds feel so stacked against you.  But you have NO IDEA how strong and brave you are.  I cannot believe what you have overcome already, those battles that you have fought and won.  You have dealt with things that most of us can't even imagine,  but you have dealt with them.  You are making a beautiful life for yourself and your family.  Your kids are growing up with the most incredible role model possible.  I am so in awe of the Mama that they have and how LUCKY they are to have you for a Mama.  But my dear friend, don't let all that has happened stay trapped within your spirit.  Face it all, then let it go.  When we were in college, didn't we write down a bunch of boys names and burn them or something, as a way of letting it all go?  I really think that I remember doing that.  Pour out all of the burdens that you are carrying.  Cry, talk to loved ones, WRITE, let it go and heal your soul.  You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to feel guilty for.  I have heard many stories in my life, and I have known many people who have gone through difficult times, but out of the people that I actually, really know, you are the strongest and bravest among them.  Even if you don't feel that way you are the strongest and bravest woman that I have ever known.  I am so in awe of you, and so blessed to have you in my life.   I am so proud of you strong and beautiful Mama.  Carry on, brave and true and this will pass.  Your life WILL be yours again.  I will always be here for you whenever you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to talk to.  I love you and your gorgeous kiddos.  HUGS!

Love,
Me

My Greatest Teacher

Mommy to Anne :  "How did you get so big?  I am having severe Mommy issues with you getting so big."

Anne (sighs):  "I know Mom."

    It happens to all of us Moms...those occasional moments when we look at our kids and say to ourselves "Where did my baby go?"

My first glimpse, my first kiss.

     My oldest, my daughter Anne turns four in just two days.  FOUR!!!  I have my desktop background on my computer set to pull pictures randomly from my picture files every fifteen minutes.  I keep seeing pictures of tiny Anne.  Then I see the child in front of me and she is so BIG!  She truly is amazing.  I know all Moms think that about their kids.  When I see how happy and full of life she is, I wonder what I did right, when so often I feel that I have done absolutely everything wrong.   I feel that aside from myself, it was Anne that bore the brunt of my PPD.  There were days that I feared that I ruined her.  In the end it seems that we are both turning out okay.  In the end, in this journey to find myself, this journey to find my light, she has been my greatest teacher and my beacon of light and hope.

Anne at 18 months.

     In the midst of my struggles with PPD, my daughter added many challenges to the one I was already facing.  She was two when it all started.  A very strong willed two....and then a strong willed three.  One day I came to the realization that she is a Mini Me.  I started seeing traits in her that were reflections of things that I did not like about myself.  I saw her stubbornness, her selfishness, her intense need for control.  I could only see these traits in a negative light and found myself constantly butting heads with this beautiful small child that I simply could not bend to my will.  I wondered if I would survive potty training her....as she dragged it out for a year and a half.   I constantly questioned myself and my parenting abilities.  Those feelings of resentment and disconnect that most sufferers of PPD have towards their babies I found directed towards Anne instead....which only intensified the guilt.

  
    But I could not ignore the intense light that shines around this beautiful girl.  Slowly, I let myself learn from her, and I changed.  She SHINES!  She thinks her life is a musical, and would sing all day and night if the mood struck her.  Her smile lights up a room, with her big blue eyes and her Daddy's dimple on her chin.

    

   She is strong willed, and I have learned to be thankful for that.  She will ALWAYS be able to stand up for herself and for those who cannot defend themselves.  She is compassionate.  She is always concerned when others are hurt, or sad, or sick.    If I have a headache she will say "I am sorry that you have a headache." while she gently strokes my forehead with her small hand.   She can be a girly girl...but she LOVES trains.  Thomas the Tank Engine is the current center of her universe.  We will be celebrating with a Thomas Party on her birthday.

      I love that individuality about her.  I used to cringe when she would dress herself and it wouldn't match.  That was MY need for control.  Now I don't care if she wears stuff that doesn't match or if she wants to wear her Thomas shirt to school EVERY day.

    She has taught me how to be a parent.  She has taught me patience.  She has taught me what it truly means to pick my battles.  I am so in love with her.  I can't wait hear what words will come out of her mouth next.  She makes me laugh everyday, even on the bad days.  She has such a love for life.  She tells me she loves me all the time, and I know that she means it.  I am not sure what I did right in the midst of all that I did wrong.   I must have done something right, she is an AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, LOVING person.  And she is so incredibly happy. 

    I just can't believe that she is going to be four!  She is such a little person now.  A person that I can have real conversations and discussions with.  A person who is learning to understand consequences.  A person who is so mature about dealing with the hand that she has been dealt.  She takes her allergies in stride and doesn't ever complain.  I am so proud of the way that she handles herself.  She touches the hearts of everyone she meets.  I am not in a hurry for her to grow up and leave me...but I often wonder who she will grow up to be.  I am not sure...but I know that no matter what she does she is going to shine her light all over this world.  SHINE Anne SHINE!    I love you with everything in me.

I Passed the Test!!

    Once a year my husband travels for work for a week in May.  Last year I was an absolute wreck during the time he was gone.  I had just started my medication and counseling and was terrified at the thought of being alone with the kids for that length of time.  So....I went and stayed with my sister for a few days, which was a wise choice at the time. 

      As the dates loomed before me for this year, I noticed some of those old feelings coming back and I realized that I was feeling anxious about my husband leaving and I was afraid that I couldn't do it alone.  With my daughter's school schedule for the week, traveling was not an option.  Then I had an epiphany.  This was a test, if I could do this alone, for the four long days that my husband was going to be gone, then I could do anything.  If I could do this it would mean that this depression had lost and I have won.

     So....I was definitely put to the test.  I am very challenged when I don't get enough sleep, which is almost all the time, but I usually have backup in the wee hours.  My husband is a great help at night when the kids wake up.   I find that I lose my patience after awhile if I am woken up enough.  The first night Daddy was away, I settled into bed and then started hearing my daughter in the beginning stages of an asthma attack.  Her allergies have been terrible over the last few weeks.  So I got up and gave her a nebulizer treatment, which takes about twenty minutes or so.  Then she was fine for the rest of the night.  So I settled back into bed and then my son decided that he was not going to sleep at all.  He has been having nightmares lately and been waking up very upset and scared.  So I spent most of the first night up with him.  I felt like a zombie the next day.  Anne had school, and Matthew was in good spirits.  It ended up being a decent day.

     The second night, I had just drifted off to sleep and Anne woke up with a bad asthma attack.  So I had to get up around 2 am to give her another treatment.  I got her settled back down and went back to bed, and then fifteen minutes later she was in my bed terrified from a nightmare.  So we dozed on and off for awhile until Matthew woke up screaming with a nightmare.  I finally had them both calmed down and back in their own beds around 5 am.  That was a long night.

    I was very impressed with myself about how ambitious I was the next day.  We all took naps in the afternoon.  Then I packed everyone up, and we went off to get the kids haircuts then I took them out to dinner by myself, which I had never done before.  They were really good.  Then we went to evening church.  That was where I got the phone call from my husband that he was sick.  As it turns out pretty much his entire group contracted the Norovirus at the hotel he was staying at.  I got the kids home and in bed and spent most of the night on and off the phone with him trying to  figure out what was going on and how sick he was.  Initially we thought it was food poisoning.  I didn't sleep much that night worrying about him, although the kids slept fine.

    I kind of dragged though the last day, but we MADE it.  My husband came home just after midnight.  He was feeling much better.  Luckily his flight left mid afternoon so he had time to recover before getting on the plane.  Many of his colleagues were not so lucky and had very difficult journeys home.  

     I feel like I slipped back into some lazy and unmotivated routines for a couple of days after my husband returned, but then we all reset ourselves and got on with our lives.  The point is that I MADE it, I DID it.  I proved to myself that I can handle more than I thought I could handle.  In the end I learned that I need to raise my own expectations for myself.

The kids survived too!  Look....Happy faces!!

Puppy Love

 I wanted a dog for my whole life.  My parents never let us have any pets.  They always said "five kids is enough."  Then I married this amazing guy, who was never a fan of what he calls "free range" animals.  I thought the day would come when my kids were older when I would have to beg, and negotiate to get a dog "for the kids".   I never thought I would actually be able to have a dog.  When I was in the midst of Postpartum Depression the thought never crossed my mind that I should get a dog, and believe me, I am not recommending that anyone who is struggling and not doing well with PPD add a pet to the family.  Bringing any new creature home into the family can add undue stress, whether intended or not.  My situation turned out to be MORE than ideal, all the pieces fit together beautifully, and our dog Okito, has changed our lives forever.  He is an incredible blessing in our house and has been instrumental in my recovery.  Here is our story.

This is Okito begging for Turkey on Thanksgiving.

 One day last summer my husband came to me and asked what I thought about getting a Labrador Retriever for the kids.  Apparently he had been thinking about it for awhile.  I was shocked.  I never thought I would hear those words out of his mouth.  He thought we should wait a few months, but we should do it soon.  Um...he just gave me permission to go for getting a dog.  I JUMPED ON IT IMMEDIATELY!  I was beyond excited, but had a nagging thought in my mind.  We thought we should get a puppy because we wanted the kids and dog to grow up together.  I was nervous.  I had never had a dog before and knew that I would love one, but had no idea how to go about training and potty training especially.  I was still struggling with potty training my 3 year old at that time!  This was the issue that scared me.  I was afraid the stress of training a puppy would be too much for me on top of dealing with everything else.

What did I do?  I called my younger sister Karen, the dog guru of the family.  She has three Great Danes and has fostered countless dogs.  She is also an animal control officer.  In my opinion, she is fantastic and knows everything there is to know about dogs. The only issue is that she is in Tennessee and we are in New York...minor detail.

Karen was beyond thrilled that we wanted a dog.  I told her that we wanted a Labrador.  Karen just happened to have a friend with a litter of black lab puppies that needed homes.  Then the answer came.  Karen and her wonderful husband Rory volunteered to choose a puppy for us and keep him for a couple of months and train him for us.  I was so relieved.  This was the answer to the ONLY concern I had about getting a dog.  Karen and Rory met the puppies and chose for us the gentlest of the bunch and took him home with them.  A few months later, last October, Karen brought Okito home to us.  He was five months old at the time.  We loved him immediately.  Everyone who has met him are in awe of how well behaved he is.  THANK YOU KAREN AND RORY!!!  He is so sweet and so gentle with my kids.

The kids hanging out with Okito, or "Bido" as my little Matthew calls him.

Now Okito is just a sweet, loving soul. He loves EVERYONE in our family and most everyone he meets.  But...every dog does have one human that he loves a bit more than everyone one else.  I am so blessed to be Okito's one!  There is no healing power like the unconditional love and adoration of a dog.  What Okito has done for me is beyond incredible.  He knows when I am having a bad day, and is always extra lovey just when I need him to be.  He is uber cuddly, even though he is huge.  I love snuggling up with him on the couch for a nap or some quiet time...it is so soothing to me.  He falls all over himself to greet me, even if I just left the house for five seconds.  And when my husband is working late, which is quite often, and the kids are in bed, I am never lonely because Okito is always there.

He has provided the extra push that I have needed to get myself and the kids out in the fresh air more often.  We play in the backyard and go for walks almost every day.  I have lost weight without even trying just from walking the dog and the kids.

I love watching him with my kids.  I love watching them bond.  I love their belly laughs when he acts goofy or jumps in the puddles when we are out walking.   I just love his gentle, soothing soul.  He is an angel in disguise and I thank God for him every day.

I love moments like this!  This is one of my favorite pictures ever!

I love my Okito Burrito

Finding the Light...

Fighting depression....fighting the darkness, as I like to call it, is a long and exhausting battle.  Instead of stopping and starting as I did so much in the beginning of my battle, for the last four or five months I really feel as if I am finally moving in just one direction...forward, toward the light.

I am doing well in therapy.  I only have a few more months with my therapist, but I feel pretty empowered right now, to make the best of that time, and to prepare to move on by myself when we are done. I am taking full advantage of "Me Time" when I can get it, and loving the refreshment that it brings me (and I don't just mean the brownies at Panera).   My medication is finally at a good working level, and has been consistently since December.  Even though I have bad days, I know that they are temporary and I am able to get through them without any long term effects.  And...Anne's behavior chart is working!  We are seeing a huge improvement in her behaviors, which reduces this Mama's stress level tremendously.  I finally feel equipped to manage her and teach her effectively.  Granted, we still have our moments when I wish I could handle things better than I did, but we have come such a long way I can only see it continuing to improve.  Most importantly, this chart has helped me to look for her positive behaviors, which leads to more positive interactions between the two of us.  After battling depression and her difficult behaviors simultaneously for so long, I finally feel like I can breathe...which is nice.

My family also started attending a new church in November.  I have always had a decent relationship with God, we have had our ups and downs, as I am sure most people do, but when the Darkness moved in, all the light, including Him, was choked out for awhile.  The only thing I could do was get through each day, and it definitely left me lacking.  Now I am embarking on a new journey, a renewal of my faith and joining a new community full of wonderful, loving and supportive people.  I can't think of anything better that could be happening to my family right now.  Nothing can poke through the Darkness like the Light of God, that's for sure!

Now, my battle with the Darkness has been long, and as with any battle there have been casualties and there have been victories.  I am in a place now where I am working on assessing the damage and counting my blessings.  Depression damages relationships.  There are many life phases that can change relationships....but depression can damage relationships.  I am a helper by nature.  If I see someone I care for that is hurting in some way, I want to help.  I support them however I can.  I could not do this for awhile, I couldn't even help myself for awhile.  This fact does erase the fact that friends of mine were going through trials of their own while I was fighting my battle.  The fact is, I was not there for them when they needed me.  Relationships have suffered.  Some have ended.  I cannot fix this, I can't go back and be there for them when they needed me.  Telling them I am sorry will not make them feel less abandoned.  It hurts me to have to let friends go.  There is a part of me that will always want to "fix it".  I hate thinking that I have hurt anyone, especially people that I love and care for.  Unfortunately, it is part of life that relationships grow and change, I just hate that my battle was the reason for the end of some.  If you are on this journey, fighting the darkness, it is going to happen.  There are relationships that will change because of it, there will be relationships that are lost because others are just not able to understand what you are going through, or because you aren't able to be there for them when they need you.  Don't lose heart, stay strong, apologize to them and let them go.  They will come back to you if they want to.  It is important to remember that it is not your fault, it is impossible to fight such a battle without some losses to the Darkness.

There are victories in my battle too!  Good things that have come from the Darkness....incredible pieces of LIGHT!  Some friendships that were in place before the Darkness have grown deeper and truer.  I have friends that have been there for me in ways that I cannot even describe.  They are fantastic reminders of the blessing that true friendship is.  I will always be grateful to these wonderful ladies in my life.  The renewal of my faith is another HUGE victory for me.  I still have a ways to go, but a faith journey is never ending, and I am enjoying the ride.  Our new church has brought to our family a sense of faith, and community and many wonderful people to build new friendships with, and we are doing that.  Victory!  The greatest victories have been within myself.  I feel stronger, more open, more willing to change, and more accepting of the change that is happening.  I am working on surrounding myself with positive things, friendships, music, books...etc.  Victory! 

The most important advice I can give if you are fighting your own battle against the Darkness is not to dwell on the casualties it leaves in your life, but focus on the victories it brings.  Our Pastor always says "God doesn't waste a hurt".  The light is stronger than the dark and the light will bring new and powerful blessings in your life.  Find support, stay strong.  I promise it won't last forever.

That Darkness Can be Stealthy!!!

Things have been going really well for awhile.  Despite some sad and stressful occurrences I have been holding strong, and feeling good.  But....every now and then that darkness sneaks in when I am not paying attention...like today.

It feels heavy and I don't want to carry it.  Then I get snippy.  Then I remember that I am stronger now and I have tools to fight it back.  I do laundry, clean the kitchen, sneak in a quick 20 minute nap while Daddy plays with the kids.  Then I start to find the light around me....the light in a loving and understanding hug from the man I love....the light in the sound of my son's giggles while he plays with his Daddy....the light in a cuddle with my little girl....the light in her 3 year old questions about Santa and the Easter Bunny.  The light gets bigger and the darkness gets smaller....I get stronger.

It will sneak in sometimes, it is a strong and persistent shadow.  Remember that the light is always stronger than the dark.