Monday, March 24, 2014

The Last Day!

So today is the last day that I have to take the generic Wellbutrin.  I am very ready to say good-bye to the intense, wacky dreams and get back into a better sleep pattern.  However the whole situation did not turn out as I had hoped it would.

The plan that my doctor and I decided upon was that I would go back on Cymbalta, the medication that so far I have had the best results and the least amount of side effects.  But my new insurance company requires a pre-authorization for Cymbalta.  We thought it wouldn't be a problem since I have been dealing with side effects now from 3 other different medications.  Well, after a week and a half of waiting I got a call from  my doctor.  She told me that the insurance company denied our request.  They will not approve me taking Cymbalta unless I "try" a medication called Effexor first.

Initially, I was quite upset by this news.  I was very frustrated thinking that I would have to take another medication and suffer with it for who knows how long before I could get approved for the one that I already know works.  My doctor was very reassuring and she told me that Effexor is in the same family as Cymbalta, it has just been around longer which is probably why the insurance company wanted me to try it first.  She told me to take a half dose of the Effexor for a week, and keep taking the Wellbutrin for that first week, and then start taking a full dose of the Effexor and STOP taking the Wellbutrin.

So I filled the prescription, then I did some research and compared the possible side effects of Effexor with Cymbalta.  The possible side effects are virtually identical.  I was relieved to see that Effexor did not list the dreaded "abnormal dreams" or "nightmares" as a possible side effect.  Every thing that I have taken that has listed that as a side effect has been a side effect for me.  Today was the day I have been waiting for, I took my last dose of Wellbutrin this morning.  I am not sure how it will all turn out, but I am hopeful.  At the very least, as long as I can get some better sleep, I think that my outlook will be much better.  For the first time in a long time, I actually took a decent nap yesterday that was not over run with crazy dreams.  This was a great relief because lately even my naps have been tainted with nightmares.  I am definitely ready for this chapter to end.  Spring is coming and I need more energy to get everyone outside in the fresh air.

So in other news....It really seems like my kids are so big all of the sudden.  It is really surreal.  I was watching old videos of them last night and I can't believe how much they have changed.  I am so amazed by how much they can do.  Overnight Anne has turned into this artist, she is suddenly coloring in the lines in coloring books and drawing amazing pictures.  This is the picture that she drew of herself, me, her brother, and her Daddy (from left to right).  She explained to me that this was me being mad that she wasn't picking up.  I think that she captured my "yelly" face very well.  LOL!




Life does feel kind of surreal some days when I look at these kids and see how much they have grown and changed.  Then I stop and think about how much I have grown and changed.  Things are definitely changing in our lives for the better.  Anne is growing more creative and independent and is absolutely blossoming at pre-school and at home.  She is learning things so fast, and I cannot keep up with her imagination.  Matthew is so sweet and loving, and he is suddenly so tall.  His wild side is coming out to balance his serious, focused side.  He likes to jump on the furniture and throw things, which I guess is typical of a two year old boy.  He is also very funny.  He cracks me up every day.  And although he is getting older he has not lost his ability to charm the ladies.

And I am continuing to grow and learn and change as journey along.  There are still many things I know I need to work on but I am also able to see how far I have come. 

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Still Waiting...

So it has definitely been a while since I have written.  I have kind of been waiting to have something different to say, but....

Well I have been having a hard time since I had to go off the Cymbalta, not so much depression wise, but side effect wise.  As of my last entry we had added generic Wellbutrin to the generic Prozac I was taking in the hopes that it would help with the crazy dreams I have been having.  This is where I stand right now with that.  On both medications my side effects did get worse.  Three of these side effects have had a huge impact on the quality of sleep I have been getting.  The first factor of course is the dreams.  I have always been a crazy dreamer but normally that effect is cyclical.  During some days of the month I have more crazy dreams and wake up more often, and during other points it is usually about two times a night that I wake up.  When I say crazy dreams what I mean is my dreams just get me caught up in these intense and confusing stories that leave me waking up feeling like I just ran a three day marathon.  I wish my brain had a shut off switch but it doesn't.  I have long ago accepted this, but I need to get the dream level back to two wake ups a night instead of every single hour.

So at this point I am completely weaned off the Prozac and am only taking Wellbutrin.  This has been somewhat better, I don't feel as groggy during the day as I did when I was on both medications.  I am still battling the dreams though.  I have to take Benadryl or Tylenol PM to get any improvement in my sleep at all, and even with that I am still waking up every hour and a half to two hours.

Then there are the other side effects impacting my sleep which are extremely annoying night sweats,  and dry mouth.  I am constantly waking up thirsty.

Then there is the non medication side effect of parenthood...there has been a lot of this:
At least three or four times a week this little guy wakes up scared and wants a cuddle.  About half the time he does go back to his own bed, the other half of the time we spend the night with his toeys (Matt's word for toes) digging into one of us and his head digging into the other one.  This has been going on for I don't even know how long now.  This past week he was up in the night for two nights with a bad cold that resulted in an ear infection.  I don't mind getting up when he is sick, but I do wish that whatever keeps waking him up at night would stop.  I am always concerned that my kids are going to inherit the wild dreams that I have and that they will never get decent sleep either.

And there has been a TON of this:

Seriously, will this winter EVER end?  As I write this it is sleeting right now, which is supposed to turn to freezing rain in a few hours and then to snow...I keep telling myself that spring is coming.  I feel bad because we have been so cooped up this winter.  The snow is deep and it has been super cold, so we have been inside most of the time.  Which just makes my kids totally wild and I get a whole lot of this:
I am looking forward to better weather so we can all get out more.  I feel bad for my poor dog, I know he misses walks in the woods way more than the rest of us do.

I am relieved to be feeling less groggy taking just one medication.  It seems to be managing my depression very well, but the extreme lack of quality sleep is definitely affecting my energy and motivation levels.

When I last wrote we were still knee deep in the health insurance drama.  I am pleased to say that this has been resolved and my husband and I are now covered...and the coverage seems to be good (so far).  We just started on our new plan on March 1st.  We had temporary coverage before that.  I am so relieved to be able to just move forward now without that to worry about anymore.  I am so grateful for the my doctor.  She helped me to manage my medications over the phone while we waited for the insurance disaster to be sorted out, which is why I was able to wean off the Prozac.  Our temporary insurance covered the medications.  I finally got to see my doctor last week.  A good friend watched the kiddos so I could really talk to my doctor (kids tend to be a bit distracting in the doctor's office).  It seems that my new insurance should cover Cymbalta, which is what I used to take that worked really well.  However it does require a pre-authorization  from the insurance company.  I have been waiting on this for six days now.  After making some calls today it seems that the Pharmacy was trying to put the prescription through to the wrong insurance company, so I am still waiting.  My doctor was confident that this should get approved because of all the side effects I have been having with the other medications.  So now I am just waiting and praying that my doctor is right and everything will go through.  I am thankful that I have an excellent medical team that will advocate to work this out on my behalf.  Right now there isn't really anything I can do but wait.  Once this does go through, I should be completely off the Wellbutrin in a week and then I should start feeling more like myself again.

My husband pointed out to me that I was tired when I was taking the Cymbalta too.  I did not deny this, I am always tired, but I explained to him that there are LEVELS of tired.  The Cymbalta level of tired is easier to live with.  I would be (and I was tired) when I wasn't taking any medication at all.

If you are new to this depression thing don't be discouraged if the first medication that you take doesn't work well for you.  It can take time to find the right medication and the right dosage to get you to where you need to be.  Don't give up, it does get better.

In the meantime,  I have been working on registering one kid for Kindergarten and one kid for pre-school.  I don't know what I am going to do with myself having two kids in school, even if that will be the case only two mornings a week.  Both of my kids suddenly seem so big to me.  They have both grown so much.  I have been buying new clothes for my daughter every time I turn around.  I have been working on setting some goals and priorities, and figuring out how to get from where I am to where I want to be.  I am happy to say that our general life situation is definitely good right now.  Lots of things have been changing for the better over the last year and a half or so, and it is very exciting to see....although I wish my monkeys would slow down a little bit in the growing up department.  My little guy definitely isn't a baby anymore.  He seems so grown up....if only I could get him to use the potty.  That is not a task I am ready to take on just yet though, unless he wants to do it...in the meantime only this guy has been using the potty:

Keep moving forward!  Don't look back, it can only get better!  And hold on to the things that matter most!  Here I am with my three kids...if you look closely you can see my dog's eyes glowing.  He is a black lab so he tends to blend in with the couch :o)