Ugh! Here comes 2014!

First of all...I hope that all my readers had a wonderful Christmas Season.  The two cherubs pictured above certainly had a magical and wonderful time.  Christmas with a two and four year old is just FUN!  Anne was old enough to remember the previous Christmas and get herself and her brother all excited about this Christmas.  We went from years of it taking all morning to opening presents to having it done in fifteen minutes flat.  It took way longer to get everything out of the packages and put together than it did for the kids to open everything.


How was Christmas for me?  The day itself was perfect and magical....although I was definitely ready for a nap by early afternoon.  The weeks leading up to Christmas had this Mama a little bit stressed.  For a while I was wondering if I could pull the whole thing off.  From handmade Christmas cards to fulfilling the kids' Christmas wishes, to decorating all of the trees (Ours and both sets of grandparents), and making Christmas cookies, I honestly didn't think I could do it.  At one point my husband and I took a step back and decide to divide and conquer and simplify.  And I did pull it off in the end.  I was happy that it was so great for the kids

I am ALWAYS into Christmas in my head.  I love how magical it can be.  I love the REASON for the season and celebrating Jesus' birth.  I love the family togetherness and the giving.  But I will admit, this year I had a tough time getting into Christmas emotionally.  I am grateful for the snapshots of time during the season that I was able to get into it for awhile.  I had times when I could focus on Christmasy tasks and having fun with the kids. 

I had a blast making cookies with them....and I was glad I did it, because at one point I was thinking that I would rather do pretty much anything else than make cookies.  I simplified it by buying Pillsbury sugar cookie dough and frosting.  By the time we were finished there was literally flour and sprinkles EVERYWHERE!  It was well worth it, it ended up being one of the best times I had during the season.

Let's face it, the new medications I am on just aren't cutting it.  I spent part of the weeks before Christmas not feeling well on top of it.  My fingers have been showing signs of arthritis for several months and then suddenly I was feeling pain and cracking in all of my joints.  It was pretty bad for several days and I actually ended up getting tested for Rhuematoid Arthritis.  Thankfully the test was negative and after some time I started feeling much better.  Now aside from my fingers and wrists, the rest of my joints seem to be okay.  I must have just had a virus or something.  It was a bit stressful for a week or so though, thinking that I might have to be dealing with yet another chronic condition. And of course, being in physical pain does not steer one towards warm and happy feelings.  But...we got through it and everything seems to be okay for the time being....accept for the medications not being up to par.  That is really starting to frustrate me. 

We are dealing with health care drama right, trying to get signed up for a new plan.  Being self employed, we had insurance through my husband through the state's insurance for individuals and sole proprietors.  When the new health care laws went into effect, we received a letter from our current insurance provider stating that as of December 31, 2013 our plan will no longer be covering individuals and sole proprietors and that we would have to sign up through the health care exchange.  After weeks of worry and drama it does seem that it will actually work out in our favor, BUT we still haven't been signed up for a new plan yet.  I am praying it will all work out in the end.  We have done everything we can for the moment we are just waiting for approval so we can actually select a plan.  There is a huge backlog of people trying to get signed up so it could take a couple more weeks before we are in the clear.  Through all this I am thankful that my kids are covered by an excellent plan and it is only my husband and I that we need to worry about.  However, we both have health issues, so we need to be covered.  The waiting game is frustrating for sure.

Right after Christmas both the kids and I came down with a cold, so even though the whole joint thing was way better, I was feeling pretty crappy for a few days.  And I was PMSing at the time too, which always wreaks havoc with my mood.  So PMS, plus head cold, plus sick kids, plus feeling depressed does not equal good times.    I spent three days feeling like this:

See me in there?  All I really wanted to do was sleep for a couple of days without anyone to bother me!  But Daddy was working and the kids were always around, so I didn't get much sleep at all.  But...I got through it, again. 

Now it is New Years Eve.  I plan on putting the kids to bed and curling up on the couch and watching Marley and Me with my Puppy Love. My husband will be working, which is fine, there is NO WAY I am staying up until midnight anyway.

So I have been struggling lately for sure.  I have been hoping that the meds would be working better by this point, but they aren't.  I have another Doctor's appointment in two weeks so hopefully we will figure something else out to try.  Even the worst lately has not been as bad as the worst overall, but it is still frustrating because things were fine, until I was forced into a med change that I didn't want, because the stuff that was working was too expensive.  Motivation is hard, especially for stuff that I already don't like doing....like cooking and cleaning the bathroom....and folding endless piles of laundry.  I am letting the kids watch more tv than I should and we have been pretty cooped up, with the head colds and the nasty weather, and my general lack of motivation.  Anne is out of school for almost two weeks which really messes with our routine and also leads to us going out less than we normally would.  I am feeling a little trapped within myself these days.  I am not going to let it beat me though.  Yesterday I actually cleaned the bathroom and the rest of the house and caught up on all the laundry (including the folding and putting away).  Today I went grocery shopping alone and am working on menu planning for the next month or so.  If I have a plan laid out it is a bit easier to deal with the cooking.  I tend to do four or five weeks at a time, because there is no way I would sit down and do it every week.  The plan makes cooking and shopping way easier. 

Tomorrow starts a new year.  I have all sorts of ideas in my head of how I would like aspects of my life to be.  I am going to be working on My Vices Three (see my last entry).  I realize that change needs to come slowly and that I can't put too much pressure on myself.  Especially when I am in the state I am in currently.  There is hope that with our new health care plan that I might be able to go back on my old meds....but I can't count on that, and I won't.  I will figure out how to cope with things as they are.  I will work on setting up more playdates and getting out of the house more often.  Anne goes back to school on Friday and I have some lovely scrapbooking projects that I can work on and a couple of books to read....I also am planning on instituting a game night once a week with my hubby and watching a bit less tv.  That has nothing to do with the new year, just something we were planning on doing once the craziness of the holidays were over.

For now, my dear readers, I wish you all a Blessed and Happy New Year!  May 2014 be better for all of us!

My Vices Three!

    I have had this entry in my head to write for a LONG time....so finally I am writing it...and what better time to post it than the time for New Years Resolutions.  During my struggle with Postpartum Depression there are ALWAYS things that I want to change or that I wish I could do differently.  If I focused on all the things that I want to do or change, like diet and exercise, and things with my kids....well I could write a list that could last all the way through the new year.    So I decided it is best to focus on a few things at a time, and make myself really AWARE of these things and focus on changing those things...and when I have these issues well in hand, I can choose something else to work on.  So I chose my vices three....the issues that have become the most intertwined with my depression, to work on changing, even if the change is slow.

VICE NUMBER ONE:  NAPS!

    I am always tired.  The depression can make me feel more tired and less motivated.  Sleepless nights with kids can make me more tired.  Sleepless nights with my dreams can make me more tired.  My medication can make me more tired.  All of these reasons are very good reasons to take a nap.  And there are times, when my husband is home where a two hour nap upstairs alone in my bed can positively impact my mood for days.  But the bad naps have the opposite effect on my mood.  Any nap I try to take in the afternoon on the couch while home with my kids is a bad nap.  The only good thing about it is the puppy snuggle part.  I get annoyed with the kids for being loud, or not taking naps themselves.  Once I lay down I don't want to get up until I feel like my need for sleep has been satisfied, but it never is.  These attempts at naps put me in a bad place.  A place where I am completely unmotivated to restart my day or to do anything fun with the kids.  They only make me wish for bedtime.  So I am trying to give these up.  I have been doing pretty well with them, while still enjoying an occasional real nap.  Some days the desire does over power me and I fall into the trap though, and I ALWAYS regret it afterwards.  It happened just yesterday in fact.  I find my day goes much better if I find a way to focus my time that does not involve naps.  I try to remind myself of this when I get super tired and the urge to lie down is overwhelming.

VICE NUMBER TWO:  CHOCOLATE

Okay I have a weakness for sweets, especially chocolate.  I NEED it to get through most days.  But I  have no self control when it comes to chocolate and I always eat more than I should.  Last year I got a lecture from my doctor because my cholesterol was too high.  So I did manage to stick to making a few small changes over the past year that actually worked, my cholesterol was down 30 points at my checkup this year and I don't have to go on medication!  YAY!  What it boils down to is self control. When I am feeling really depressed, all I want to do is eat sweet chocolate or chocolate chip cookies.  It makes me feel so much better in that moment.  In the long run, we know it is okay in moderation, but I have real trouble toeing the line between moderation and over indulgence.  I will let you know how this all turns out.  I have been doing well with my after lunch sweets.  I usually can get by with a smallish piece of dark chocolate.  It is the night time that gets me....the most stressful time of day is mid afternoon to kids' bedtime.  After they are in bed, especially on the nights my husband is not home....I eat...mostly too much.  This is my vice, and I have to work on it....for my own good!  But I can't give up chocolate and sweets completely....so the struggle continues.

VICE NUMBER THREE:  FACEBOOK

I love Facebook.  It has been such a lifeline for me, especially during my depression and dealing with my daughter's food allergy.  It has helped me to feel connected with the outside world and given me a way to communicate with cherished friends when I just need to talk.  I can clearly see the benefits it has in my life.  Especially the way it can allow me to share this blog and be a support to other struggling Mamas.  BUT, I am on Facebook way too much....so it comes down to figuring out how to draw a line again and sticking with it.  I am on too much in the evening which affects my marriage and I am on too much during the day which affects my time with my kids.  So I really need to work on this.  I need to come up with a schedule that works, that allows me to get the benefits of Facebook without succumbing to it completely.  I will let you know how this works out.

So my New Years Resolutions are to start attacking my VICES THREE.  It will be a process and a journey....but success here will just bring me closer to the light.  I will let you know how it goes.

Merry Christmas Everyone!  And Happy New Year!  May the season bring you joy and light!

It's NOT About the Wall!

    I have been doing a lot of home improvements lately.  What is that all about?  I feel so stuck in this house so much, and I don't really like where I live as much as I would like to like where I live.  So I try to keep the house looking nice on the inside at least.  The outside desperately needs work too, but I only have so much in me.  Last week I painted the two main rooms of the house, the living room and the dining room.  It was a bit chaotic while that was going on, but I am so glad I did it.  The walls looked so dirty before I painted and the dining room was really dark.  Now it is all a nice, soothing blue sky blue.   My latest project is pictured above.  There is a window in our living room that I have wanted to put stained glass in since we got the house, but we could never afford it.  Finally I realized that I could paint the window to look like stained glass...so that is what I did.   Also during this process I painted the entrance way stairwell into the house.  This is another project I have meant to do for 7 years.  This was a challenging project as the wall was stuccoed 35 or so years ago.  So i had to paint over that.  Painting over stucco is hard...but I got it done.  It is a huge sense of accomplishment to complete these projects and for my house to have a new fresh look.  I am planning on painting my kitchen and bathroom too, but not until well after the holidays.  Now it is time to enjoy Christmas and all the fun Christmas projects.

  I do want to share a little story though.  The very first project I did was in October.  I repainted my office.  The walls in there were a light gray and looking pretty dirty.  I spend so much time in my office I just wanted to lighten things up.  It took way longer to complete this project than I imagined.  It had been over a year since I painted a room and I forgot how long it took to do that.  Last fall I painted two bedrooms and moved the kids around and really worked at redoing the rooms to make them nice for them.  Two things were going on as I was painting my office.  I touched up some areas in my daughter's room and within days she had peeled off all the paint from the spot on the wall that I had just repaired.  In my son's room there is a spot under his window that was completely destroyed last year from water coming in through the window.  Before I moved him into that room, I completely rebuilt the wall under the window and painted the whole room.  Somehow he started peeling the paint off the wall in that area under the window, revealing a new hole and a huge area without paint.  So now I have two areas that need to be repaired and repainted.  It is hard to fix rooms that kids are living in.  So I had these two problems.  I patched them up but haven't repainted them yet.  Instead I painted my office, and within a day of me finishing the painting and putting the room back together, my two year old son got a hold of a pencil and scribbled all over the walls.  (Pencil does not erase off of freshly painted walls).  I was absolutely devastated.  I have never been so mad at my little guy before.  I couldn't look at him.  I went into my office and sat at my desk and cried.  My husband came in.  He said to me these words "I am sorry honey, I understand that it isn't about the wall."  WOW!  What a moment.  I felt so understood.  I was still mad but his words helped.  I went upstairs alone to regroup.  He put the kids in the car and went and bought some marvelous stuff to clean off the wall, and he cleaned it for me.

   I can't tell you how nice it was for him to understand that it wasn't about the wall, that it was about me trying to make the house nice for my family, and to have a nice space for myself, and most importantly, feeling like I have control over a situation, that I can make a plan and follow through and really feel like I accomplish something.  I am so blessed to have an amazing husband that gets that....and who supported me through that bump in the road.  People....the words you say when someone is upset matter, and saying the right words can make all the difference in the world.

Revelations

Photo by Maria McNeil Photography

     My husband Joe and I recently celebrated our 7th Wedding Anniversary.  So much has happened in 7 years, it is pretty unbelievable when I stop and think about it.  In that time I left my job, we started a business, ended a business and Joe started a new business.  We lost a baby and had two more and we....as a family unit, have been dealing with my postpartum depression turned chronic depression for two years.

    The week of our Anniversary Joe and I attended a conference called the Art of Marriage at our church.  I went into it thinking that we had a pretty good marriage, but sure that there was something we would get out of the conference.  There had to be something that we could improve.  All I can say is WOW.  That conference was an incredible wake up call for me.  It has a been a long two years, but I failed to see what an impact that my depression has had on my marriage.  I knew that it had affected other relationships in my life.  I lost friends, built stronger relationships with friends I already had and have made many new friends because of my depression.  How did I never stop to think about how it was impacting my marriage?

     Don't get me wrong, my husband is amazing.  He has been wonderful and supportive during this whole journey and he still is.  I can honestly say I would not be where I am now without him.  He is my rock.  The revelation that I had was how much my depression has affected our intimacy, and I have been working so hard to stay positive and get through each day that I never stopped to think about it.

     Now when I say intimacy people automatically think I mean "in the bedroom".  Sure that is part of  it, but that is not what true intimacy is about.  Joe and I started thinking about the time we spend together and how different it is now than it used to be.  Before kids we went out on dates all the time, now it is a rare occurence, mostly due to financial constraints and Joe's crazy work schedule.  We either hire a babysitter or we go out...so unless the grandparents are available to babysit, we don't go out.  But we used to do other things instead.  We used to have game nights, we used to talk more.

    The conference made us realize how tired we are...and how hard we have to work just to get through every day.  There have been so many days that I have just pushed through to survive until the kids are in bed and then I am done.  I have nothing left at that point.  There are so many days where Joe is working until well after the kids are in bed.  Somewhere along the way, without even realizing it, we forgot to hang out with each other.  Our idea of hanging out is eating chocolate chip cookies and sitting in front of the television.  An intimate evening is when we watch an episode of Little House on the Prairie instead of just whatever is on tv.  I also realized that I spend too much precious time on the computer (mostly Facebook) that I could be spending with him.

    So we came to some conclusions, and we are trying....we have a long way to go.  I have been struggling with some medication changes really affecting my mood as we are trying to do better.   We are trying to turn the TV off a little more often.  We are going to bed earlier some nights just so we can talk.  We have been planning on reinstituting game night, but that has not happened yet.  I am looking forward to more DATES and game nights in the new year, and more time just to be together.  I am trying to pull myself away from the computer more, and be more present with my family.  This can be difficult on the hard days.  I have also done a lot of work to make the main rooms of our house more cozy and inviting.  That is a main part of the reason that game nights haven't happened yet.  It has been a lot of work.

     The most important thing that we vowed to do is pull Christ into the center of our marriage.  This has been a bit of a challenge because we simply are not used to it...but that is the one goal that we are working on the hardest right now.  We pray together almost every night and morning now.  Now that is intimacy.  Neither of us have ever really prayed in front of anyone before.  So we are trying.  We have a strong love for each other and really want to get back what has been missing.  So, we are working on removing the obstacles and taking steps to work on things individually that are affecting us as a couple....so if you see me on Facebook a bit less, especially in the evenings....you will know why.  I am working on being less selfish....which is hard for me, especially when I am feeling really depressed.  I know how lucky I am to have the incredible husband that I have.  I really want to work on being the wife that he deserves.  It is just one more part of the Journey.  I love my Joe.

I Don't Have PPD anymore.....

Photo by Maria McNeil Photography

      My precious little boy is sitting on my lap right now, chattering away.  Sometimes I just have to stop and soak him in, my little sweet, snuggly boy.  His sister is asking him to play and he is saying that he wants to stay with Mommy.  So, until he is ready to run off and play, I will snuggle him while he is willing to be snuggled.  He is the one that started me on this journey two years ago.  My postpartum depression started when he was five months old.  As hard as these two years have been, having him has been wonderful.  I am so in love with the little boy on my lap, I wouldn't trade him for anything, I gladly embrace the struggles that brought him into my life.  His name is Matthew, which means "Gift of God", and he is.

     I had my yearly physical with my General Practitioner the other day.  We discussed how my medication change has been going.  When I last wrote a blog entry, I shared that the medication change was not going well and that I was feeling pretty rotten.  I called my doctor after I wrote the entry and had a good talk with her.  She increased the dosage of my new medication and that helped almost immediately.  By the next day I was feeling much better.  For the most part I have been doing better during the day, but nighttime has been a challenge.  My dreams have  been a problem for me my whole life, but mostly they are just weird.  I very rarely have nightmares, most of my dreams aren't even about me.  I usually feel that I am just on the set of some really weird movie.  I often wake up wondering what strangeness is going on in my head, but other than leaving me tired, my dreams usually have little effect on me.  However, since I started my new medication my dreams have changed.  I have been having really emotional dreams related to my own life that cause me to wake up from the dreams with those emotions still attached.  They are never pleasant emotions either, usually sadness or other stressful feelings.   This has had a huge effect on how my day starts off and my overall emotions.  I discussed a few options with my doctor.  She said that this change in dreams is because of the medication.  We decided to try a new medication combination that should alleviate this problem.  Of course this change will take time and will eventually result in me taking less of my current medication with more of the new medication.  I have accepted the fact that it is going to take time to get back to where I need to be, back to how I was feeling a few months ago.  I have a follow up appointment with my doctor in 6 weeks and hopefully no more changes will be needed after this.  So that is the update on how I am doing.

     While I was with my doctor I asked her something that I have been wondering about.  This medication change has made it very clear to me that my depression is still a huge issue that impacts my daily life.   I asked her when it stops being considered Postpartum Depression.  She told me that after two years it isn't considered Postpartum Depression anymore, it is considered Chronic Depression.  She told me that it doesn't matter what it is called the treatment is the same.   She also assured me that there is hope that it won't stay with me forever (believe me there are many days where I wonder about that).    She said as my kids get older it will get easier and as my hormones continue to change that can help too.  So that is where I am.  I am one of those women whose Postpartum Depression did not go away.  I am now considered to have Chronic Depression.  Wow.  I knew this was the case, but actually processing and accepting this fact has been interesting.  The thought doesn't scare me as it has in the past.  I can certainly manage this....most days.  I have learned many coping skills and I have an amazing doctor that is very knowledgeable about depression and medications.  She is also pretty much always available if I need her and very supportive of me.  I know that I am lucky to have a doctor like her.  I am not thrilled about the prospect of taking medication for the long term...but I am also very grateful that I have that as an option.  Medication has improved my quality of life tremendously. 

   This is the conclusion I have come to with the revelation that I have Chronic Depression.   My depression is a part of me, a part of my life journey, but it will not define me.  If I didn't have this depression, I would also not have many things in my life that I consider blessings (like my son!).  When I get frustrated with having to deal with the depression, I try to remind myself that God knows what he is doing, and that this is part of his plan for more reasons than I could possibly imagine.  After all, everybody has some kind of struggle that they have to deal with.  So I will take my journey and try to use it for His glory the best that I can, because I know that he is always with me.

Keeping it Real...

It has been about five weeks since I had to switch my medication.  It was tough at first, the going off one and starting up the other, but after about two weeks it started to even out...and I felt pretty good for a week.  Now....not so much.

I try not to post when I am in the "depths of despair" as my favorite heroine Anne of Green Gables would say.  The purpose of this blog is to let other Mamas know that they are not alone and that they can get through this....there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.  But it is also important to tell the truth...this is just how it is.  My Journey to the Light has been going on for a year and 10 months now....and I still have not gotten there.  That is just the way it is.  I don't know how long it is going to take me to get there, or if I ever will.

Here is where it stands.  I can cope better now that I used to be able to cope.  I can see the signs better.  My husband sees the signs and knows when I need extra support...but it is still there.  This medication change has not gone as well as I hoped it would.  It seemed okay for a little while, but the last week or so has been really hard. I have been waking up almost every morning with that "heavy", sad feeling in my chest.  Some days I have been able to shake it as the day goes on, most days I have not been able to.  Yesterday was especially brutal.  I was able to meet my "responsibilities".  I got Anne out to school on time and I picked her up on time....I did some cleaning and bathed the dog and even made a healthy crockpot dinner.  But it was gorgeous out yesterday....sunny and 65%....in NOVEMBER, and I could not pull myself together to take the kids and the dog outside.  All I kept thinking was that I was that I am never going to beat this.

Today I am tired, I am tired of the fight.  I am beyond irritated that circumstances demanded that I switch medications.  The old stuff was working just fine, thank you very much!!!  If it ain't broke, don't fix it!  Now I am in exactly in the situation that I feared when the switch happened.  I am sleeping terribly, my dreams have intensified greatly and I am waking up all the time throughout the night.  So I start the day tired, and depressed and just try to get through it.  BUT, I am tired of just trying to get through it.  I am ready to be done, to be myself again.  It is frustrating to have days where I use all the tools in my arsenal and I still can't win.  My husband was awesome yesterday, as he most always is.  He came home from work and sent me out of the house for awhile, so I took my book to Panera.  I felt better while I was reading my book.  I escaped the world for a bit, but it didn't last.  Still, it felt good to get out. 

Today has been a teeny bit better.  My MOPS group met today so I got out again....one kid is actually napping this afternoon which NEVER happens.  I tried to nap too, which is all that I want to do lately...but the other kid didn't allow for it to happen, so I had to settle for puppy snuggles from my awesome dog. 

I think that I need to increase the dose of my new medication.  I am hoping that will help the situation, but I worry that it may intensify my dreams even more and leave me more exhausted, which just leaves me more susceptible to feeling down.  I have a phone call in to my doctor, I am just waiting for a response, knowing it could take a day or two.  I have a doctor's appointment with her in two weeks, but I thought it better not to wait that long if I can start getting myself together sooner.  I HATE having to rely on medication, but I am so thankful that it helps me to be me.  I just want to feel like myself again.

So...how do I cope when it is this bad?  The first thing I do is communicate the details of how I am feeling with my husband.  He has been there with me through all of this and is super supportive.  It is important to tell him EXACTLY how bad I am feeling so he knows the level of support I need.  Second, I try to take some time for myself, like my few hours out last night.  Third, I talk to close friends about what is going on...the extra Mommy support is imperative.  Fourth....I give myself lots of stuff to do, cleaning, creative projects....painting rooms, whatever I can come up with.  I am working on some Christmas ideas now and getting ready to paint the two main rooms of our house which desperately need a face lift.  Fifth....I try really, really, hard not to feel guilty about "not doing enough" as a Mom.  I take care of my kids, give them lots of love and try to forgive myself for not doing as much fun stuff as I would like to do with them.  Sixth....and most important...is to communicate with my doctor about what is going on.  She is awesome and I am sure will have some answers on how to deal with this.  If she doesn't get the message that I left her today, I will be sure to call her back tomorrow.  And lastly....I know I need to wait this out....this too shall pass and it will not last forever.

Hang in there Mamas...sometimes all we have to do is remember that we are stronger than we feel like we are some days.

It is still there....

I have been maintaining very well for a months now, on the right dose of the right medication.  I finished up therapy, and have been keeping myself pretty busy.  I have still had my "dips" on a monthly basis.  I have been able to recognize the pattern.  I know I am going to have 3 to 4 bad days a month, and I also know that every few months I am going to have an extra bad  month which will be 6 or 7 bad days.  I can deal with this because I know what to expect.  But it has also left me wondering:  Is the depression still there?  Is what I am experiencing merely hormonal shifts?  How long do I need to stay on the medication?  Since I have only felt well controlled for about 8 months or so, I haven't felt ready to "take the plunge" and go off the medication.

Then life threw me an unexpected twist to let me know where I REALLY stand.  I don't have prescription coverage, but the county that I live in gives a prescription card out to ALL of its' residents.  This has been great for my family, but the catch is that it only covers generic medication.  I have been on Cymbalta for my depression.  Initially we tried Zoloft, but that didn't work as well as I needed and I had some issues with side effects.  The Cymbalta has been wonderful since we found the right dosage for me.  The only side effect that I have had to deal with has been some fatigue.  However, Cymbalta does not have a generic.  My doctor's office has been providing me with samples for about a year.  The office has recently stopped receiving samples.  The cost of the medication is way too high for my family to afford on a monthly basis.  So I was faced with the choice to go off medication all together or switch to another antidepressant.  This was really not a choice that I wanted to make.  I was completely happy with the predictable way things were going and how well my current medication was working. 

I really felt that I wasn't ready to go off medication and I was concerned about stopping cold turkey anyway.  My pharmacist (who is really wonderful) gave me some advice and I called my doctor and made an appointment.  Now, my GP is absolutely fabulous.  I could not ask for a better, more understanding doctor.  She saw me pretty much right away.  She said that they are no longer getting samples of Cymbalta because it is going generic at some point in the future and it is not cost effective for the company to give out samples any more.  However we can't wait for it to go generic, who knows how long that will be.  We had a long talk, discussed my options and the symptoms that I am still experiencing.  We made the decision to switch to Fluoxetine.  My GP felt that because I am still experiencing depressive symptoms on a regular basis that I needed to stay on a stronger medication as close in structure to the Cymbalta as possible.  Sigh...the big concern with this medication is that it is a hard one to come off of.  I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. 

So I am one week into the medication switch as of today....I am weaning off the Cymbalta while starting the Fluoxetine.  And it is definitely still there.  I have been feeling my depressive symptoms returning as I am weaning off the Cymbalta.   I know I have to be patient through this change, and I did expect that this would happen.  It will take time for the Fluoxetine to build up in my system enough to start to work, and I may need a higher dose of it.  But you know, I just don't want to deal with this again.  I don't want to have to struggle to get through the day.  I have been there and done that, and I feel like I have put in my time already!  I just have to try to keep myself busy and wait this out, but it isn't easy, and it certainly is not fun.  The next few weeks are not going to be a picnic for sure...

This experience is clearly answering my question as to whether or not I am ready to go off the medication.  The answer to that question is a resounding NO.  Now I am left with another question....is it still PPD or am I starting to head down the road of chronic major depression?  I guess the answer to that question doesn't really matter.  I can't look too far into the future with this.  I just have to fight this as hard as I can on a daily basis.  I won't let it win.  The fight just has me tired.  I think the meds might have something to do with that too.  I wish I didn't have to be on meds and deal with side effects, but the medication is the only thing that allows me to be ME.  That is one thing I have learned.  The depression is not me, it is just something that I have to deal with, and I have to fight it so I can be me.

I Could Have Been Miram Carey....

If I could actually transfer thoughts directly into the blog when I am thinking them late at night I would write MUCH more often than I do....but my blog ideas sit in my head forever until I take the time to actually write...so hear it is!!

Postpartum Depression has changed me profoundly.  It is now a journey I have been on for nearly two years.  I look at the world differently now.  I look at other mothers differently.  When the news broke about the incident in Washington D.C. a few weeks ago about a woman with a baby in the car being shot by police because she was driving so erratically and dangerously, my first thought was that she had PPD.  Most people probably did not think this thought.   This is the different view I have of the world.  I don't think of women like Andrea Yates and Susan Smith as horrible, evil people anymore.  I wonder what they are struggling with that led them to their actions.  I don't see their actions being excused by their illness, but I empathize with their battle.


I am not a professional expert in the area of  Postpartum Depression, I only live it.  The one thing that I must make VERY clear is that there is a HUGE difference between Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Psychosis.  Every woman who experiences either experiences it differently.  For the above mentioned women there may also  have been other mental health issues involved.  So, when I say that I could have been Miriam Carey, I mean that I empathize with her situation.  I mean that any woman who has postpartum depression and does not receive treatment for it runs the possibility of that depression turning into chronic depression or postpartum psychosis.  There is always the danger that we could snap.  I believe that is what happened to Miriam Carey.  From some media reports it also seems that she may have been suffering from other mental health issues and that she was receiving some treatment...but let's face it, this is the United States of America and mental health treatment is not even close to what it should be to give people the help that they actually need.  Thankfully Miriam's child was uninjured physically...but my heart breaks that she has to grow up without her Mama.  I feel that this situation could have been avoided with proper intervention.

Miriam Carey got me thinking about Andrea Yates and Susan Smith and the terrible end that their children faced.  I remember reading the old stories and wondering how Andrea's husband could stand by the woman who killed his children.  He always said that she was sick and needed help.  Now again, I do not know the intimate details of this situation, but it seems that he was able to recognize that her deeds were not HER.    We cannot let the depression define us.  We have to separate the illness from the people that we are.

These thoughts have brought me back to many dark moments in my struggle.  My depression has been very scary at times....I think mostly because I was such an angry depressed and there were many moments that I felt like I actually COULD NOT control my actions.  And in my struggle for control I remember at times, actually thinking "I get it.  I get why some parents actually hurt their children, I understand being at that point."  Whoa, scary stuff!!  Now I have never had thoughts of harming my children, but it some of those rageful moments I remember feeling like I wouldn't care if they got hurt.  I would absolutely hate myself later, when the moment had passed. 

Why am I talking about this now?  I want people to know what it is like, how scary it is, how out of control you can feel, because I want them to love these Mamas and not judge them.  Do not judge...until you  have walked a mile in someone's shoes.

"How can a mother do that to her kids?  How can a mother harm her child?"  We all ask these questions when we read the articles on CNN or watch the news, or see the stories circulating on Facebook.  Listen...all parents have dark moments.  Parents who swore they would never spank their kids, often do in those moments.  They yell, they say awful things to their kids...they scare their kids...and sometimes, parents really hurt or even murder their children.  It happens.  We need to do everything we can to make sure it doesn't happen, but we can't expect that it never will. We need to love and support struggling parents.  This is life!!

It is only by the Grace of God, and lots of love and support from people in my life that my dark moments became something I could overcome and not get lost in.  I am STILL FIGHTING this battle.  It isn't over for me yet.  I have been doing well, and overcome many obstacles...and I am SO FAR from where I was in the beginning.  I know that I have strength and light in me.  I am surprised at the love I now have in my heart for the Miriams and Susans and Andreas out there.  The story of Miriam Carey really reinforced for me how my thinking has changed.  God's greatest commandment is that we love one another as he loved us.  It's hard to love people that do horrible things.  I just try to remind myself that God loves them as much as he loves me.


Miriam I love you!  I am sorry that things ended for you the way that they did.  I hope that you have some peace now.

Journey on Sisters....keep fighting your way to the Light.

Mesothelioma Awareness Day!

I created this blog to tell my story about my struggle with Postpartum Depression.  I wanted to raise awareness about PPD as well as provide support and encouragement to other mothers who are struggling themselves.  I have learned many things along my journey, and the most important is this:  Everybody is dealing with something, everyone has a battle (or a few) that they are facing in their lives.  We Moms have to support each other.  There is no negativity here, only understanding, empathy, love and support.  In my journey it has been other Moms that have given me the most drive and motivation to keep going forward.  We are all in this together.

That being said....I met a new friend through this blog.  Her name is Heather.  This is Heather and her family.

Heather has had her own journey away from a different kind of darkness, Mesothelioma.  This is a rare and deadly disease.  Heather has made it her mission to spread awareness about Mesothelioma in the hopes that other people won't have to fight the battle that she fought.  Tomorrow, September 26th, is Mesothelioma Awareness Day.  I am going to dedicate my Facebook Status to Heather tomorrow.  Now, she can tell her story better than I ever could, so here is the link to her blog.  Keep fighting the fight Heather, bring on the light!

http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/awareness/#.UkM1uD_czTp

That Which I Once Loved....

 I love chocolate in most forms.  Chocolate plain, chocolate with caramel, chocolate with mint....and for a very long, long time I loved chocolate with Peanut Butter.  I was never a huge plain peanut butter or nut eater, but I LOVED chocolate with Peanut Butter.  In my single years, it was a lovely companion after a hard day....in my married years it continued to be an enjoyable treat.  I often ate too much of it, especially since it was one of my husband's favorite gifts to give me.  Aaahhhh, chocolate with peanut butter....Yes, I once loved it.  Then this happened:

A few weeks before my beautiful daughter, Anne turned two, I gave her a piece of peanut butter toast for breakfast.  I left the room momentarily and heard her crying and saying that her eyes were wet.  When I came back to check on her this is what I found.  I instantly knew that my child was allergic to peanuts, but I could not even begin to understand what that meant.  I yelled for my husband and sent him running out to the store to get Benadryl.  It was a Sunday morning, and he was gone for 45 minutes.   In his panic he forgot his phone when he left and then forgot what he was supposed to get.  He called me from a Target employee's cell phone because the pharmacy was not open yet.  I remained calm and watched Anne like a hawk, something told me that she was going to be okay, this time.  Her breathing was never compromised.  I called the pediatrician, just to be sure that I was doing everything I needed to be doing.  He told me to give her Benadryl around the clock for the next three days and to go to the emergency room immediately if she showed any signs of breathing difficulties.  If I had known then, what I know now, I would have gone to the emergency room right away!  If the above ever happens to your child, Call 911-Food Allergies are not to be taken lightly.  I Thank God every day that Anne was okay when she had this reaction.  I have learned so much since then.

Our pediatrician is wonderful and my children absolutely love him, but I feel he is a bit old school in the allergy department.  He is great about everything else, which is why I decided to keep him as our pediatrician.  We saw him not long after Anne's reaction and he told us to wait until she was three to be tested for a peanut allergy.  He told us that the tests are more accurate after Age 3.  In the meantime he told us to not give Anne peanuts or peanut butter.  If I had known then, what I know now, I would have pushed for an immediate allergist referral, and I would have spent the next year being much more careful about what I fed my child.

So for a year we kept peanuts and peanut butter in the house, and I still ate my chocolate with peanut butter.  We NEVER let her eat anything with peanuts in it, but we let her eat things processed in facilities that processed peanuts or processed on shared equipment with peanuts.  We never called companies to ask about their labeling policies or if their foods were safe.  I don't think that I really understood that my child could have an Anaphylactic Reaction.  I didn't really understand that the simple ingestion of a food could kill my child!

At Anne's 3 year checkup I asked for a referral to the allergist to have a skin test done.  I remember clearly that he said "Well, you could do that, or you could just try to give her a little bit of peanut butter."  Now, I knew that was a BAD idea, and the look on my face must have told the pediatrician so.  He gave us a referral to the allergist.

We LOVE our allergist.  He is absolutely wonderful and he knows what he is doing.  I learned so much at Anne's first visit.  Her skin test gave us an instant positive result for a peanut allergy, even though the solution was diluted 10 times.  It was a little scary to see the welt form on her back so fast and so big.  I was starting to get it.  Everything started to sink in when we sat and talked to the allergist after the skin test.  I learned how lucky we were to have survived our year of ignorance without Anne having a reaction.  We were told to avoid all nuts even though she only tested positive for peanuts because of a high risk of cross contamination and a high risk of her developing a sudden allergy to another nut.  We were told to make our house a nut free zone so she could have one place where she is always safe and we don't have to worry.  We learned how to read labels and were told to avoid all products that might contain peanuts or that were processed in facilities or on shared equipment with peanuts.  We learned about Anaphylaxis.  We got a prescription for Epi-Pens and were taught how to use one.  We were told to always call 911 if she had a reaction, to never drive her to the hospital ourselves.  The reason, the Paramedics have more Epinephrine if she needs it.   It was probably one of the most overwhelming hours of my life, that appointment with the allergist.   Then we went home and did this:

 

I made an emergency kit containing her Epi-Pens, and single does Benadryls and the Epi-Pen sample pen to teach other people how to use it, plus directions how to use it and some safe snacks for Anne in case we are in a situation where there is nothing she can eat.   And then we did this:

We bought her a Medical Alert Bracelet to wear when she is not with us.  And I spent the next year learning and learning and learning.  I learn more every day, about what foods are safe, about what Anaphylactic reactions look like, about how to treat one.  I also have learned about what other families have gone through, including ones who have lost their children.

And Anne has learned how to manage her allergies.  She has learned that she can never eat any foods unless she asks Mommy or Daddy, or the designated adult say it is safe.  She is even learning to tell people about her allergy herself.  The other day we went out to dinner and she told the Server that she had a peanut allergy before we even had a chance to, I was so proud of her.

It is really hard to have a child with a life threatening food allergy.  You have to plan every detail of every outing that includes food.  You have to call the Birthday Party Mom ahead of time to find out what is being served and discuss whether it is safe or not.  You have to worry about your child being away from you, and make sure that everyone who cares for her knows about the allergy and how to treat a reaction.  You are terrified that she will have a reaction some day, and even more terrified that she will have a reaction when you aren't with her.  We have been assured by our allergist that her next reaction will be an Anaphylactic one.  That is terrifying.  I have heard stories of other people's children that have died from reactions.  I have heard stories of children who have had reactions because their parents have consumed peanuts and the children have reacted to the residue.  We don't eat peanuts or peanut butter.  I have given up that which I once loved because....

I LOVE HER MORE!!!

There has been a serious increase in food allergies in this country in the last decade or so.  It is alarming and terrifying.  We should not have to worry about children dying from food that they eat.  My family and I will be walking for "Team Anne" on September 21st for FARE Walk for Food Allergies.  We are raising money to for research and education, to keep allergic kids safe and to help find a cure.  I can't imagine a cause closer to my heart.  My prayer is that some day Anne won't have to worry about what she eats.  I pray that I don't have to explain to her what her allergy really means.  Right now, she is only four, so we tell her that she can't eat things because they aren't "safe" and they will make her sick.  We show her the picture from when she had the reaction.  I have yet to explain to her how serious it is, and that a reaction could actually kill her.  How do you explain that to your child?

Below is the link to the Team Anne Page for fundraising for the FARE walk:
http://www.foodallergywalk.org/albany/teamanne

Please consider making a donation for Anne and all the kids and adults like her so we can make the world a safer place for them.  If everyone gave just $5 it would really add up!  I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  

The Difference is like Night and DAY!

Today I had my yearly "lady doctor" visit.  Tuesday I had my last counseling session.  So I have been doing some reflecting the last couple of days on how far I have come.  My depression started to sink in February 2012 when my son was five months old.  By April it was bad enough that I sought help.  I started medication and counseling in April 2012.

Last August, I was still having a very difficult time.  I initially was taking Zoloft because I was still breastfeeding.  That helped for a few months, but in July 2012 I started going downhill again.  I saw my OB in August, after I stopped breastfeeding.  She sent me to my GP and I started Cymbalta.  That helped at first too, but after a few months I started feeling worse again.  I had a physical with my GP in November and she increased my dose of Cymbalta.  Then things really started to get better.

What I am trying to say is getting better is a journey, sometimes an intense battle.  Don't be discouraged if what you try at first doesn't work.  I had to find the right medication and the right dosage that my body and brain needed to really start to heal. 

Late summer into the fall for me last year was very tough.  I had many ups and downs.  There were multiple times where I felt that I was going to be stuck forever, that I would never get better.  BUT, I did find the light, and when the darkness tries to creep in every now and then, I can fight it.

This is what is different in my life from where I was a year ago:

1.  I only have 3 or 4 bad days a month, with an occasional tough few hours.  What I mean by a "bad day" is a day when I have all those old feelings, depression, anxiety, lack of motivation, anger etc.  Now I am not perfect and everybody gets in a bad mood from time to time, but for me there is a distinct difference between a bad mood and one of those "bad days".  My "bad days" are intertwined with my monthly cycle.  They will either happen during PMS, during menstruation or sometimes they creep in around the time of ovulation.  The ovulation ones do still surprise me every now and then.  I need to stop and focus and think about where I am in my cycle to get through those days.  The "bad days" no longer incapacitate me.  I know that they are temporary.  I give myself permission to just survive these days.  I give myself minimal goals for the day.  I only do what has to be done.  I take a nap if I can, and let the minutes tick by.  I don't let myself feel guilty (for more than a few seconds) about the things that I "should" be doing.  If it is a super "bad day", I try to find a project.  I find that projects will pull me out of the depressed feelings faster than anything.  Last time I purged toys out of both of my kids' bedrooms.  I get through the "bad days" because I know that they are temporary and that the next day WILL be better.  It is easy to battle a few "bad days" when you know that your world is full of much more light than that little bit of dark. 

2.  I don't hold my situation to myself.  I have this blog.  I have Mom friends.  I will talk honestly about how I feel to anyone who geniunely wants to know.  I tell my husband that a "bad day" is a "bad day", so he knows what to expect from me that day.  I have found quite a few other Moms that are or have experienced what I have experienced at least to some level.

3.  I don't judge other Moms.  I used to.  I find that if I don't judge other Moms than I am not judging myself.  I am a firm believer in supporting other Moms and that is what I try to do.  I try to help my Mom friends get through their bad days like so many of my friends have helped me get through mine.

4.  My husband and I found, and became a part of an incredible Church Family.  This has brought so much love and support into our lives.  Our relationships with God are strong and growing daily and we have come to know many new friends.  This community has also given us both more social opportunities which is great.  I have also joined the MOPS group that meets at our church, which has taught me so much and also opened me up to meeting many more Mom friends.

5.  This journey to the light has caused me to lose some friends, but....I have more friends now than I ever have before in my life.  Honestly I used to have trouble making friends.  I guess having kids has given me more common ground with other people, and going to our church has also helped.  I have met people through Anne's pre-school, church and even on-line.  Now I feel like I have an almost endless network of support to help me deal with the big issues....like my kid's food allergy and my "bad days".

6.  Things are different with my kids.  Sure they drive me crazy sometimes, that is in the nature of kids, but I feel lighter around them now.  My enjoyment of them is consistent.  I am finding little moments throughout each day with them that I just soak in.  I used to grab on to the spark of happy light in their eyes in desperation, hoping some of it would rub off on me.  Now that happy light fills me. I really feel alive, and it is wonderful.

I finished counseling on Tuesday.  I probably could have terminated sooner, but I decided to use what time I had to my full advantage.  My counselor is leaving her agency, so I had the choice to continue with someone else or go it on my own.  I stayed to the end with her, to get as much out of it as I could.  We both agreed that I was in a good place to terminate.  We discussed how far I have come.  I am staying on my medication for now, and am very confident of my GP's ability to manage that.  I have a whole list of people that I can turn to if I need support, and I feel confident that I am ready to move on.  I left my last counseling session saying a prayer of thanksgiving for the wonderful woman that came into my life in my darkest moments and helped me to find my way to the light.  She was a perfect match, exactly the person I needed.  I feel confident and strong right now.  I have come such a long way, and I feel that I am continuing to grow as a person and as a mom. 

If you are in the deepest part of the darkness right now, there is hope.  The light is there, it just takes time to find your way back to it.  It is worth the fight, it is worth the battle, for yourself and your kids.

 

                           Their smiles and precious hearts are worth the fight every day!!!

My Beautiful Boy

My intention is always to blog more often than I do.  These past few months have been especially crazy and my energy level has been low.  We have been dealing with Daddy's crazy summer work schedule, birthdays and two tonsillectomies in the family.  My daughter Anne had hers out at the end of June.  She did really well once we got past the pain medication making her sick, and we are already seeing huge improvements in her respiratory allergies!  Yay!  I might not be able to do anything about her peanut allergy, but at least she is breathing more comfortably on a daily basis.  Exactly four weeks after Anne got her tonsils out, I got mine out.  I am really glad that I did it, but the recovery was a bit challenging.  I was out of commission for two weeks.  I slept all the time.  And as soon as I was starting to feel better, I realized that I was only a week out from my son's birthday, and I caught a terrible cold right at the end of my recovery period, but we got through all of that.  I still haven't kicked the cold, but I am ready to get back to life as usual.  I have so many blog entries in my head that I feel like it is time to get writing. 

My beautiful son Matthew was born two years ago yesterday.  I can't believe that he is two already!  My PPD hit when he was five months old.  I feel like much of his life passed by in a blur.  I am grateful that there were many times that I was able to grab on to solid moments and I can remember lots of good times with him.

My little Matty...what a precious boy he is.  I am in awe of how HAPPY he always is and always has been.  Even in my darkest moments he was always happy.  I remember one point when we were struggling, my husband said "Matthew truly is the light in this house."  And he was and still is.

It is amazing how different the personalities of my children are.  Anne has her own idea of how everything should be and she will fight to get things her way.  She is also very social and talkative and wants to be in the center of everything.  Matthew is very focused, he hangs back and absorbs everything before he takes action.  With every milestone we have wondered when it was going to happen, until I realized that he was just taking everything in, and when he is ready, he just goes full throttle.  We are experiencing that right now with words.  Matty has not been much of a talker, we joke that he doesn't really need to since his sister always has so much to say.  "God made her a talking girl" is what she tells me.  Matty has had a few words here and there and has always been able to communicate his needs very effectively, at least to me.  Now, all of the sudden, in the past week, the words are coming very quickly.  I think he will be talking in sentences by the end of the month.

Matthew makes me smile every day!  I am so grateful to have him in my life!  I love the way he wants to do everything his big sister does.  I love his dimpled smile.  I love snuggling with him, especially before bed, when he lays his little head on my shoulder.  I love the way he will be playing, and then he runs over, hugs my leg and says "Hi, Mama" before running back off to play.    He is ridiculously adorable, and now that he is getting older, I struggle a bit with disciplining him because all I really want to do is pick him up and cover him with kisses, or I want to laugh at whatever predicament he has gotten himself into.  He loves his Mommy, his Daddy, his sister and his dog.  I love watching him and the dog together.

Lately his big thing has been "Goes".  Everything with wheels has been called a Go, and he gets excited every time he sees one.  I love how he loves life.  Daddy and I have been a bit disappointed the last week because he now calls them cars, which isn't quite as cute, but he still loves them just as much.  We gave him a firetruck for his birthday and he was in heaven.  He fell asleep with it in his bed that night.

Happy 2nd Birthday to my beautiful precious boy, the light of my life!  Thank you Matthew for helping to bring the light to me in my darkest moments.  I love you so much!

Super Mom to Super BOMB!!

     Have you ever had a particularly awesome day?  A day where nothing can get you down, and you just sail through your trials smoothly without even the slightest dampening of spirit?  I had one of those days a couple of weeks ago.  Nothing stressed me out, it was amazing....I felt fantastic, almost too fantastic.

    It was a typical day.  Dinner was in the crockpot and I met my good friend and her two little ones, who are exactly the same age as my two, for a walk in the wilderness with my dog.    We chose a path that she had been on before, but not in the summer.  I had never been there.  It truly was the wilderness.  The paths were overgrown and bugs were everywhere...and of course we had no bug spray.  It has been raining forever around here, so the paths were covered in thick, thick mud, the kind of mud that will suck your shoes of if you stand still in it for too long.  I kept telling the kids to run quick through the muddy spots so their shoes wouldn't get sucked off.  We almost did lose a few shoes.  My dog of course was a muddy mess three minutes into the walk and was loving every second.  I was loving every second too.  The two, almost two year olds, decided that they didn't want to walk, they wanted to be carried...and we didn't have our back packs.  The walk that was supposed to last for about 45 minutes turned into two hours because we got lost.  In our defense though, the trail markers were kind of confusing.  So carrying babies on our hips and urging our four year olds along, my friend and I trudged through the wilderness.  I said at one point that we were like those pioneer Mamas following the wagon trains carrying their babies for ours on end.  My arms didn't get as tired as they usually do, I guess they knew how important their job was.  After we came to the same wooden bridge for the third time, I wondered how I would ever make it to my evening commitment on time.  Surprisingly that thought did not stress me out.  I hate being late for anything so it was strange that I wasn't upset.  Finally two hours after we left our cars, my friend led us out of the wilderness.  I felt exhilarated.  We were all completely covered in mud.  I attacked my daughter first, she was wearing shorts and was so brown from mud she looked like she had hairy legs from thigh to ankle.  I cleaned her up as best as I could, removing her shorts, socks and sneakers and wiping her down with baby wipes.  I put her in the car like that, planning on putting both kids in the tub the second I got home.  Then I went after my son.  He hadn't walked as much, but he was still pretty muddy.  I pulled off his socks, shoes and jeans, and found a tick crawling on his leg.  This did not freak me out, like I thought it would.  It wasn't biting him yet, so I flicked it off and we headed home after I toweled off my exhausted, but very happy, muddy dog.

   Once home, I washed both kids and checked them over for ticks very carefully.  Then I showered and checked myself.  I was supermomming it.  I had them both clean in about six minutes.  They were eating dinner when their dad came home, we were all cleaned up and out the door on time.  We made it to church....I felt something crawling on me.  I couldn't believe it was a tick.  I flushed it.  I had showered and was baffled that there was a tick on me still.  Lesson learned...showering does not wash off or scare away ticks.   When we got home, I checked the kids over again when I put them in their pjs.  They were clear.  Then after they were in bed, my husband checked me over.  There was a tick on me, right under my butt cheek.  It was embedded....after several hilarious circumstances and a trip to the store to buy some supplies by my husband....the tick was removed.

     That was just a day, full of circumstances that would have normally stressed me out.   Being lost, being late, being covered in icky insects....I felt good, like I could handle anything.  But....alas, that supermom feeling didn't last.  This past cycle has been challenging for me.  I find that my more depressed days are directly hormonally related and every three or four months I have a cycle that just hits me harder than other ones do.  Typically my "down" days are during the PMS stage and the Menstrual Stage of my cycle.  Sometimes it will last a few hours, sometimes a whole day.  If it is a bad cycle, those down days will also hit around ovulation. 

    I also had to take into consideration that there were other factors at play this time around.  My four year old had her tonsils and adenoids removed right in the middle.  I was 100% sure this was the right decision for her health, and I felt good about it.  The night before her surgery was when I began to realize that I was feeling anxious about it.  I barely slept that night and then had to get up at 5 am to get her to the hospital on time.   That was night one of sleep deprivation.  And it just continued over the next two weeks.  I was up with her to manage her pain, and to take her to the ER in the middle of the night on night two after the surgery.  She had barely had anything to drink all day and started vomiting early in the evening.  The pain medication seemed to be making her really nauseous.  We were really concerned about dehydration, hence the ER trip at 1 am.  That ER trip was traumatic for both of us, and I won't go in to detail.  Luckily they gave us some anti nausea medication that seemed to take care of the problem for Anne and she began to show steady improvement after that.  Once she started feeling better and stopped waking up in the night because of the pain, I was PMSing.  I don't often have anxiety issues at bedtime, but this round I was having a really hard time falling asleep and having really vivid and exhausting dreams when I was asleep.

   I know for me that sleep deprivation is the biggest trigger of my PPD.  I start doubting myself.  I start feeling like I am doing everything wrong or that I am just caught in a rut.  I start to worry that my PPD is turning into Chronic Depression.  I know that can happen....what if it does?  I start feeling like a Super Bomb of a Mom.

     I guess the best thing I can do is not write about it when I am at my worst.  Because if I look back on during a moment when things aren't so bad, I can see some of the things that are okay or even better.

    I have come to the conclusion that I am not a fan of hot, humid summer weather.  That doesn't make me a bad Mom.  We can stay in the air conditioning on a hot day.  I do feel guilty that there have been a lot of either really hot days or really raining days lately, and also Anne recovering from surgery days, so we have not done as much outside as we could, but I can try to do better.

     Anne has been a bit challenging lately, so we have upped the ante on her behavior chart this week.  She has been improving so much with the behaviors that we were originally looking at, but lately, she has started in with some attitude issues and is getting mouthy and disrespectful, so we are cracking down on this.  She had a tough week and did not get a reward this week, but I am already seeing her start to catch herself (sometimes) and rephrase what she is trying to say....so....progress.

     The most amazing thing that I have noticed lately are real moments of clarity.  I have spent so much of my life the last two years, just trying to make it through the day, and get done all the Mom things that need to be done, that I don't often just STOP.  I have caught myself doing this quite often lately.  I can think of multiple times this past week where I have just stopped and totally soaked in a conversation with Anne.  She is so hysterical, and has such an amazing imagination.  I love listening to her.  I have also been stopping and soaking up lots of little boy cuddles and kisses.  I am really starting to see the little person he is becoming and how funny he can be.  We have had some tickle time, I love hearing his little belly laugh.  I also have caught myself just listening and watching them play, either alone or together and just enjoying watching them be their own little selves.   This might not seem like a big deal, but it really is.  This is not something I have often been able to do....and suddenly I have realized that I am doing it all the time.  I don't know...it makes me feel more alive somehow.

My beautiful boy who always makes me smile!

Playing and giggling together!

      Today was actually not really the best day.  I am still exhausted, sleep has not improved for me lately, and I am up writing this entry because I couldn't settle down to sleep.  There were some things that went wrong this day, and negative emotions were felt more strongly than I would have liked, but I can sit down and look over the past few weeks and see that the times I thought were bad have some strong, strong light shining through.  Clarity is starting to come through the darkest moments.  I CAN still fight this, the light is shining.   I will always have challenges to overcome but things are changing.  If the gift of clarity is coming to me, then the strength to change the things that really need to be changed is coming.

Be the Positive!

I can't believe that it has actually been a month since I posted my last blog entry!  What a month it has been. Anne turned four and she got to meet Thomas the Tank Engine.  Mommy has had some ups and downs which I will talk about in another entry at some point and Anne got her tonsils and adenoids out.  It has been a busy month for this Mama.  Everyone is doing pretty well though.  We have had some good family time together, and Anne is healing nicely.

Anne meets Thomas in the most exciting and magical day of her young life!

I actually started writing another entry the other day, and then I was able to have a conversation with a dear and cherished friend.  I have not spoken to this friend in a really long time because she has been going through some horrific trials in her life....stuff that no one should have to ever endure.  After that conversation she was all that I could think about.  Life is hard.  We are all given burdens to carry, trials to overcome.  I think about people in my life dealing with infertility, parenting difficult teens, dealing with illness, extreme financial hardship, coping with grief.  Then there is the whole battery of emotions that come along with whatever difficulties we are facing.  Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling what I am feeling, knowing that someone I love is in a situation far worse than mine.

What can we do?

First and foremost, we have to accept where we are.  I have learned that I cannot care for other people if I don't care for myself.   I can't feel guilty about what I am feeling because someone else has it worse than I do.  I do the best I can to make sure I have time to rest, deal with my emotions, and to give myself time and space to breathe. 

Next, reach out to the people in your life that are struggling.  Sometimes all you can do is offer words of support, encouragement and love.  That might not feel like enough, but in actuality, is the most powerful thing you can do.

Life is like the internet, full of trolls.  There is so much negativity out there.  I can't believe the comments I read on different articles and blogs out there.  I cannot believe how cruel people are.  Especially because the internet offers such anonymity, people think that they can say whatever they want.  I don't know if people forget that someone is going to read their cruel words and be cut down, or if they just don't care.  Sometimes I fear that people go out there actually intending to hurt others.

In a world of such negativity, we Mamas have to BE THE POSITIVE.  We have to teach our children to love and respect others.  We have to teach them not to be judgmental.  We have to teach them courageous and loving responses for when they are hurt by others.

Mamas, we cannot teach our children to be positive if we are not positive ourselves.  We Mamas are all in this together.  We must reach out to the struggling and hurting Mamas around us and offer loving support and encouragement.  We need to help those Mamas to care for themselves, and let them know that on the hard days they always have someone to turn to.  We Mamas must never let another Mama feel like they are in it alone. 


To my dear, dear, cherished friend (and all those other hurting Mamas out there),

You are so loved by God, by your friends and by your family.  I know that times are hard right now and the odds feel so stacked against you.  But you have NO IDEA how strong and brave you are.  I cannot believe what you have overcome already, those battles that you have fought and won.  You have dealt with things that most of us can't even imagine,  but you have dealt with them.  You are making a beautiful life for yourself and your family.  Your kids are growing up with the most incredible role model possible.  I am so in awe of the Mama that they have and how LUCKY they are to have you for a Mama.  But my dear friend, don't let all that has happened stay trapped within your spirit.  Face it all, then let it go.  When we were in college, didn't we write down a bunch of boys names and burn them or something, as a way of letting it all go?  I really think that I remember doing that.  Pour out all of the burdens that you are carrying.  Cry, talk to loved ones, WRITE, let it go and heal your soul.  You have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to feel guilty for.  I have heard many stories in my life, and I have known many people who have gone through difficult times, but out of the people that I actually, really know, you are the strongest and bravest among them.  Even if you don't feel that way you are the strongest and bravest woman that I have ever known.  I am so in awe of you, and so blessed to have you in my life.   I am so proud of you strong and beautiful Mama.  Carry on, brave and true and this will pass.  Your life WILL be yours again.  I will always be here for you whenever you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to talk to.  I love you and your gorgeous kiddos.  HUGS!

Love,
Me