Friday, March 22, 2013

That Darkness Can be Stealthy!!!

Things have been going really well for awhile.  Despite some sad and stressful occurrences I have been holding strong, and feeling good.  But....every now and then that darkness sneaks in when I am not paying attention...like today.

It feels heavy and I don't want to carry it.  Then I get snippy.  Then I remember that I am stronger now and I have tools to fight it back.  I do laundry, clean the kitchen, sneak in a quick 20 minute nap while Daddy plays with the kids.  Then I start to find the light around me....the light in a loving and understanding hug from the man I love....the light in the sound of my son's giggles while he plays with his Daddy....the light in a cuddle with my little girl....the light in her 3 year old questions about Santa and the Easter Bunny.  The light gets bigger and the darkness gets smaller....I get stronger.

It will sneak in sometimes, it is a strong and persistent shadow.  Remember that the light is always stronger than the dark. 


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Refreshed and Moving Forward

So, I am back from a weekend away, after a LONG month of sleep deprivation for various reasons, sick kids, hormones, etc...and guess what...now I am only tired...not exhausted!  What a step up!  It was strange initially to have one night at home kidless, and then one night AWAY with my good friend.  I actually have now gotten about four nights in a row of decent sleep.  I don't feel like I need to crash on the couch every afternoon, which has a great effect on my motivation level.

So, I am a little sad that my house is now catless, but I am really happy that I found good homes for both my kitties.  For those of you that don't know, my three year old is allergic to cats and we have been having issues for over a year, including asthma attacks, until we found out that she was allergic to cats.  Therefore, unfortunately, my two cats had to go.  I have had them for over a decade so it was difficult for me to say good-bye.  My 17 year old cat Fuzzy has been with my sister's family for over three weeks now, and he is flourishing in the royal treatment he is receiving.  He is a happy guy!  My other cat has only been in her new home for a few days.  I traveled from New York to Maryland over the weekend to meet my good friend who lives in North Carolina.  She took my Padme home with her.  Padme seems to be doing fine, just needs a little more time to adjust.  I think she will be super happy in that home full of kitty lovers.  I spent Monday thoroughly cleaning the formerly cat occupied areas of my house.  I am hoping to see an improvement in my daughter soon.  She has a runny nose getting over a cold right now, so it is a little hard to tell, but this cold has not caused an asthma attack so I guess we are making some progress.

The last six weeks or so have been extra stressful, so I am really happy with my PPD recovery progress.  Despite the stress and sleep deprivation, and the loss of my cats my mood has been fairly even.  I feel that the emotions I have been feeling have been very appropriate for the situations I have been dealing with.  My depression feels well under control at this point in time, and that is a good feeling.  I am preparing myself to continue to move forward and take complete control of this on my own.  My therapist will be leaving in August, so I am working on setting goals to accomplish before then, and creating a plan for continuing on after my therapy is complete.

One major issue of struggle for me has been dealing with my daughter's behavior in a patient and compassionate manner.  She is very spirited and strong willed, and as I like to say, very determined to chart her own course in life.  I have been trying to find a way to let her do this, while still teaching her to be respectful and compassionate.  In the difficult moments I try to remind myself of the woman that I want her to be.  I want her to be strong, and able to stand up for herself, but I also want her to be kind and loving to others.  I don't want her to be taken advantage of, but I don't want her to take advantage of others.  She does display outright defiance most days though, and this behavior is now bleeding over into school.  With some help from my husband and therapist I have created a new behavior chart for her where we can help her to see the consequences of her negative behaviors, while also praising her for her positive behaviors.  Because she is only three we are using happy and sad faces on her chart.  If there are more happy than sad faces for the day or the week she will get special "surprise" rewards.  I am feeling very good about this, and very refreshed and ready to move forward with more positive changes in my life. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Why ME TIME is important!!

Moms feel guilty all the time, let's admit it.  We feel guilty when we yell at our kids, we feel guilty when we discipline them, we feel guilty when they are sick and so on and so on.

We also feel guilty when we leave our children.  This is especially true for Moms' suffering from PPD.  For some of us, it is really hard to leave our kids because we already feel like awful mothers most of the time.  For me, I felt bad about leaving my kids, but I was also walking around with such a foggy brain that I couldn't think of a reason to go out of the house by myself, except for an occasional trip to Target.

When I started to go to doctor visits and counseling for my treatment, I realized how much easier it was to focus on what was going on with myself and what I needed to work on when I went alone.  Then counseling became AMAZING when I realized that for an hour a week, I could talk about whatever I needed to talk about without anyone or any crisis interrupting me! 

My husband is self employed and I am home with the kids.  There are times where his schedule requires him to be gone multiple evenings a week, so I am doing wake up to bedtime with the kids alone three or four nights a week.  This was the case when I was at the height of my depression.  I wasn't getting much time to myself at all.  My husband would have an occasional, rare chance to go out with his friends and I would encourage him to do so, because he was working so hard, but I was secretly envious, wishing that I had something fun to go and do with my friends...but I could never think of anything that sounded exciting enough to actually do.

I do have pockets of the day that I do hoard for myself.  After I feed my kids lunch I put them to bed, and then I watch General Hospital while I eat my lunch alone.  For a Mom to be able to eat a meal alone is always a gift!  However this is becoming more challenging as my three year old no longer naps and it is getting harder and harder to get her to stay in her room for 45 minutes in the afternoon.  So I take what I can get.  My kids are usually out at bedtime pretty quickly,   So evenings I do take some time for myself to watch a sappy movie or read a good book, and cuddle with my dog and try to wind down from the day.

When I started feeling a little better my counselor began encouraging me to find more time for myself.  Initially I felt selfish even considering it, and frustrated that I couldn't think of anything "good" to do.  I was able to set up a couple of dinner dates with friends, which was great, but challenging to align schedules.  Then I discovered the joy of Panera Bread and a good book.  So after my late afternoon counseling sessions I go to Panera and enjoy a quiet meal alone, while reading a good book.  Sometimes I run errands alone afterwards, and when I get home my fantastic husband has my kids fed and in bed already.  There have also been some days where I have snuck out to the library for a couple of hours.  The best thing about these little Mommy trips is that I feel so rejuvenated and so glad to see my kids when I get back.  I get the Mommy I missed you hugs, which are the BEST.  My husband realizes the importance of this and encourages me to go out by myself whenever he can, so if I don't have counseling that week, he makes sure I have another opportunity to go out.  Love my guy!!!

So if you don't regularly take time for yourself, I encourage you to try it.  A refreshed Mommy is much more able to enjoy her little ones.  If you can't think of anything to do, I encourage you to try your favorite restaurant and a good book.  Any Mom knows what a treat it is to be able to enjoy some good food without constant interruption or complaining from the kids. 

This weekend I am about to embark on something I have NEVER tried before.  After my son was born when he was around six months and my depression was bad, my daughter went to stay with my parents for a few days.  She had the TIME of her life being doted on by Grandma and Grandpa.  I missed her like crazy, but it was a good break for both of us.  I still had my son with me that time, because I was breastfeeding and I wasn't ready to let him go yet.  Those of you who are regular readers know that I recently found out my daughter is allergic to our cats.  One of my cats went to live with my sister's family a few weeks ago.  This weekend I am taking my other cat to Maryland to meet my friend from North Carolina who will be adopting my kitty.  My kids will be staying with my parents because my husband has to work.  I have never been away from both kids overnight before.  I am looking forward to the trip and having some girlfriend time, although I am sad about letting my kitty go.  I got some audio books for the long drive and am looking forward to some time of quiet reflection  I hope that you can find some quiet time for yourselves as well.  Have a great weekend :o)

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Great Enemy-Sleep Deprivation

Originally I had planned to write my next entry on a completely different topic, but the last couple of weeks have been so crazy, and I have been so tired, that I decided to write about my ongoing battle with sleep.  It is so much easier to fight off the darkness when I am rested, but when the overwhelming fatigue sets in I am the most vulnerable.

I have always had issues with sleeping.  When I was younger insomnia used to be a major problem.  However, since I have had children that is no longer the case (unless I am pregnant).  I am usually so exhausted by the time I go to bed, that I don't have trouble falling asleep.  It is staying asleep that is my problem.  I am a very vivid dreamer, this has always been an issue for me.  The norm for me is to wake up 2-3 times per night because of these dreams.  I can deal with that.  When I get closer to getting my period, this gets worse and I can be waking up as often as every half hour to every hour.  This can go on for nearly two weeks of the month.  Then  you add in all the other stuff:  the husband snoring, the daughter coughing in the night, the son waking up screaming with nightmares, kids just crying in their sleep....or of course the sick family member.

The last couple of weeks have been a doozy.  One family member after another has been sick for about a month now.  A day or two after someone gets better, someone else gets sick.  Aside from a flare up of my daughter's asthma/allergies we have all been healthy for about five days now....WHEW!  But I still have not been sleeping well.  My PMS is causing the dreaming to be worse and my son is going through a nightmare phase.  He is waking up sometimes multiple times a night screaming in terror.  It is very difficult to get him settled back down, he is so upset he just wants to be held.  My husband and I are at a loss trying to figure out what is frightening our happy, bubbly little guy so much.  Last night was especially bad.  Our son was up crying three times.  Our daughter was up crying once, and she woke me up several times either crying or coughing in her sleep.  I am writing this now completely sleep deprived.

My point with this entry is to say, I really feel that with my medication and therapy, and the support I have received and the growing I have done as a person, I have my depression well under control...Unless I am exhausted.  And lately I am almost always exhausted.  It leaves me very short tempered and unmotivated.  It is harder to complete daily tasks and sometimes it makes me feel like I am back where I started when I could barely force myself to do much of anything.  And it makes it much harder for me to handle my spirited daughter in the way that I would like to handle her.  I don't have the patience to deal with her resistance as I would like to, and we end up butting heads.

I have recently accepted the fact that sleep is always going to be an issue for me.  My doctor told me that there is not much that can be done for my hormonal sleep issues.  There are sleep aids that provide me with a little relief, but I won't take those if the kids are sick because I need to be able to get up if they need me.  So my current challenge is to figure out how to navigate life when I am sleep deprived.  I need to figure out how to still do what needs to be done and still be the Mom I want to be when it the hardest for me.  I know that I can fight the depression back.  Each day I become a little more successful at it.  Like today for example.  Last night was probably the worst night of sleep I have had in these terrible past two weeks of no sleep.  This morning my daughter was completely falling apart and resisting everything.  Getting her out the door was the ultimate challenge.  After I dropped her off at school I realized that I accomplished this without yelling at her once.  That NEVER happens when I am in this state.  I found some patience somewhere, I just need to hold on to it.  Here's to the hope of a nap this afternoon!  :o)