And Just Like That....

My house is so quiet this morning.  I am not used to the quiet yet, but I am finding it peaceful and relaxing.  Yesterday was one of those "how did we get here so fast?" moments.  Just like that summer was over....Just like that my little girl is in second grade....Just like that my baby boy is in Kindergarten.  And he just took off down the hall with his sister and didn't even say good-bye to his Mama.  He was so excited.  He is so ready for Kindergarten. 

So here I am in my quiet house, with both my babies in school, thinking about all the things I haven't been letting myself think about before now.  The big question since last spring for me has been, what do I do with myself with both kids in school?  I will get to that in a minute.

First this summer....this summer was...well...terrible...  It really was.  And now that it is over I am torn between feelings of relief that it is over and sadness and guilt that my kids missed out on having the relaxing, fun kind of summer that kids are supposed to have.

June was just a crazy, hectic haze with school ending, dance recitals, graduation parties, my daughter's birthday, my son's scratched cornea....it was just a blur, and that was also when my headaches and migraines really started to amp up and get out of control.  I basically spent more than half of June and July holed up with terrible headaches.  The kids were stuck in the house watching tv or playing, anything that would keep them quiet enough to get me through the headache.  We did have some good days in July.  I scheduled as many playdates as I could and tried to keep us busy, so we did have fun with friends.  That was good, that was summer.  I just feel like it was so overshadowed by my headaches.

Then the plague ascended on my house at the end of July and has yet to leave us entirely.  It has been six weeks now.  We have had bronchitis, strep, fever viruses, reactive airway asthma, pneumonia....it has been awful.  All four of us have been hit at least once.  My son was sick on his birthday.  I had to reschedule his birthday party TWICE because he was still sick and running a fever.  Who is too sick for a birthday party in August?  The poor little guy, he was just so disappointed, and it was really stressful for me as Mama.  My husband was the sickest.  He started with bronchitis that turned to pneumonia and after three rounds of antibiotics and six weeks, he is just now almost getting over it.  Of course he was working an insane schedule for the whole summer, so we were all really looking forward to our yearly end of summer trip to Maine, our favorite place in the world.  He still wasn't feeling his best, but the kids were so excited so we went.  A few days on the beach would do us all some good.  And it did.  We have some great memories from our trip.  But....I started getting sick the first night we were there, I developed a terrible cough.  Our daughter started coughing the next day.  We actually came home a day early because we just didn't have the energy to continue.  I went to the doctor three times before I finally really got treated for my cough, which was actually basically bronchial spasms and inflammation.  Last night was actually the first night I slept without coughing in the night for 11 days.  And then my poor little girl.  She was coughing, she had a fever that would come and go, and was really congested, but the doctor couldn't find anything really wrong with her.  We had bloodwork done and everything (which is a whole other story).  We finally chalked it up to be a virus, or seasonal allergy related.  She was sick right up until the start of school.  We thought she might miss the first day and she was devastated.  It was so stressful.  But she made it to school yesterday and today...and she is still recovering but is definitely on the mend.

So in the middle of all the headaches and migraines this summer, my depression was really not well controlled.  I felt like I could fight one or the other, the headaches or the depression, but I just didn't have it in me to fight both of them.  I was simply exhausted.  I saw my doctor at the beginning of August.  I had kept a calendar chart for the last couple of months documenting when I was having headaches and the severity of them, which she found really helpful.  We made some adjustments to my medications and added a daily medication to combat the headaches.  I have been on the new medication combination for a month now, and I can say that I think it has made a difference.  A few weeks ago when I talked to my doctor to follow up I wasn't so sure because I was in the middle of the craziness of everyone being sick and I was just so stressed out and worried about everyone.  I knew the headaches weren't as bad, but I wasn't sure if the depression was better yet.  I couldn't think or focus on anything because the entire summer was just so overwhelming.

Now I am sitting in a quiet place and I can say this.  I have only had one significant migraine since I started the new medication.  I have had some headaches but they were able to be controlled by Excedrin, which was not happening before, so that is definitely better.  I also think that the new combination medication treatment for my depression is working.  I would like to go through another whole month before really saying this for sure, but I am definitely feeling better.

Now that I am feeling better and things are QUIET, I am able to reflect on all those jumbled feelings I have been having for months about what am I supposed to do now that both of my kids are in school.  And it is kind of funny, I don't know what exactly I was thinking by asking myself this question.  Was I thinking that there was going to be some kind of huge change?  Was I thinking I was going to be less of a mom?  Less of a friend?  Less of anything at all?  I realized yesterday, in the quiet, that I am just going to keep doing what I have been doing.  I will be there to pack their lunches for school every morning and get them ready and out the door.  I will be there to pick them up after school, to take them to dance and soccer and help them with their homework.  And if they are sick I will be here to take care of them.  And while they are in school, I can do more things for me and more things for them.  I have more time to pray, more time to write, more time to offer help and support to my friends.  I can get to things that I haven't gotten to because we have all been too sick, or I didn't have the energy to try to do it with the kids around.  I also have volunteered for lunchroom duty one day a week at the kids' school.  I will help out with some other things at the school as well.  I can even help out my husband every now and then, which will be nice. 

But the most important thing is that I feel like I can take time to focus my thoughts and not feel so jumbled up and tired all the time.  I can work through things with purpose instead of just trying to get through a day.  And I will never get lonely at home during the day, because I have my wonderful dog to keep me company. He doesn't seem too upset that the kids are gone either.  I think he is also enjoying the quiet, and extra snuggle time with Mommy. 

So it is only the second day of school, let's see how the year goes.  :o)  Hang in there Mamas....remember to draw strength from each other.  I have been ever so grateful this past month with all the sickness in my house by my Mama village of friends that have reached out to check on me, see how we are all doing, that have supported my emotional ups and downs with the sick kids, that have offered to help out when I wasn't feeling well.  I feel such strength and power from that.  I was thinking of that yesterday when I was talking to a couple of Mama friends that were feeling down.  I draw such strength from my Mama Army, the love is so powerful.  I feel their love for me, for my kids, and I feel the same way for them and their kids.  People have the ability to tear each other down so quickly...but remember we have the responsibility to build each other up. When we build up each other, we build up ourselves and we create a powerful community.  So thanks for being there for me this summer and always my Mama Army and for giving me the strength to keep being there for you.

To The Friend I Lost....

Dear Friend that I lost, not by choice but by circumstance, I still think of you every day.  Some say that people come into your life only for a season, but I never thought that would be true of us.  We were such good friends, and we went through so much together, but then things changed, and I changed...and maybe we just didn't understand each other anymore.  Knowing that doesn't make me miss you any less.

We were single girls together for so long, we talked on the phone for hours, hung out on the weekends...we even went to movies on opening night.  Then something began to happen to us.  I met this guy...I fell for him hard and fast, and less than two years after I met him...we were married.  That was the first adjustment in our friendship, me spending time with my single friends while being part of a couple.  You were there for me through that, you were in my wedding.  We had fun.  My husband and I were working a lot, but we still managed to find some time to spend together.  Then the first major blow hit me, when I lost my first baby.  That was so devastating to me, it changed me on an epic level, to this day I am not even sure if I realize how much.  I lost friends during the time that I was just trying to cope with the fall out of my grief.  I realize in retrospect that no one can truly understand that kind of a loss if they haven't been through it themselves.  You were there for me in that time though, even if you didn't understand, I knew that you loved me.

Then I finally did become a mom.  That is when I truly started to see how different married life is from single life, and how vastly different parenthood makes it.  Little people change things.  I know you loved my baby girl.  You liked to come and visit her.  We had fun.  But then Matthew came along and I was overwhelmed with the demands of dealing with a two year old and a newborn, of trying to potty train my stubborn girl, just trying to survive.  And I know between when Anne came and when Matthew came I was slowly starting to drift from you.   I know that there were times that you needed me and I wasn't able to be there for you like I should have been.  This was not only true for you but for other friends as well.  I am sorry for that.  I know that you started to feel like I abandoned you.  Maybe you didn't know it at first, but in the end....

When the depression hit, when it really stepped in and took over, I almost lost myself completely.  Even now, FIVE years later, I still don't feel like I have gotten myself back all the way.  There are pieces of who I used to be floating out there in the universe somewhere.  For awhile my world shrunk into this little tiny place.  I still have to retreat there sometimes.  I go there to survive, and there I do just what I have to do to get by, until I am strong enough to fight again.  When the depression was at its worst, and we fell away from each other, I don't think I even realized fully what had happened, what I had done to you.    I don't know if I could ever really explain to you where I was at that time, how deep in the hole of rage and sadness and overwhelming emotion I was.  I could only focus on my kids, my husband.  They were all that there was for a while, and with help I was able to focus on myself too.  I did build myself up and pull myself out of that place that I was in, but by then it was too late.  I had hurt you too much and you were gone.  Ironically, around the time of our final encounter, I was just on the cusp of finding my way back to my life.  Maybe if I had come back sooner I could have salvaged what was broken....but I will never know.

Now my life is different.  The depression isn't gone.  I still really, really struggle with it sometimes.  I sill have to fight.  There are times I still have to retreat into my tiny place.  But when I can be myself, and the cloud doesn't pull me down, my life is really good.  I have an awesome husband, two amazing kids, and I have my extended family, my church family and more close friends than I have ever had in my life.  Things can still be hard, I am still figuring some things out, still learning how to live with my depression, but I know the good that I have in my life.  I do miss you though.

I miss having you in my life.  It has been years since I have seen you, but do you know that there are times when I see something or hear something and my first impulse is to tell you about it?  And then there are my kids.  Anne is 7 now, Matthew will be 5 in a few weeks.  Some of their favorite books are ones that you  chose for them.  Recently they got into the Spy Kids movies.  Remember how those used to be our guilty pleasure...we saw them all in the theater?  My kids watch them over and over, and it makes me think of you.  My greatest victory over the last couple of months is that I have gotten them obsessed with Star Wars.  We have been watching all the movies and they love them.  We have lightsaber battles in the living room.  I can't wait to take them to Disney, for all the cool Disney stuff, but also to see all the cool Star Wars stuff they have there now.  I won't be able to go there without thinking of you either though. 

You would really love my kids.  It makes me sad that you aren't a part of their lives.  Anne has the most amazing imagination.  She can read now too.  She loves books about mermaids and fairies the most, but I will find her some Star Wars books on her level soon.  She is an artist.  I am blown away by the stuff that she draws.  You guys would have fun creating things together.  She is also very spunky.  She keeps me on my toes.  She has this amazing pure joy for life though, it flows out of her.  That joy of hers pulls me through the hard times.  She is a really special girl.  I wish you could know her.

Then there is my boy.  He has this seriousness about him, but it is really just because he is taking everything in around him.  That is how he learns, he watches and then he does.  It is fascinating to watch.  He loves to build stuff, mostly with his Legos, but he is really imaginative and mechanical with the stuff he comes up with.    And he is so sweet and compassionate and gentle.  He has a very giving soul. His first impulse is to share with someone else instead of keeping for himself.  He also has this adorable goofy side that makes me laugh every day.  I am sorry that you never got the chance to know him, that he never had the chance to make you laugh and to show you his dimpled smile.

I know the circumstances of our lives changed us.  They took us from the place where we used to be, where we were good friends, and put us someplace else.  We hurt each other.  I can't blame that totally on my depression, I know that I made mistakes.  I am sorry for that.  My memories of you will always be fond ones.  We had an amazing young adulthood together, full of many, many adventures, many good times, many laughs....and we also got each other through many hard times.  We were good and true friends for awhile, and I will always be grateful for the time we had together.  I don't think that I will ever stop missing you, I know I will never stop loving you.  Where ever you are, I hope that your life is full of joy, full of close friends and family.  I hope that you are happy, I hope that you feel loved.  You are never far from my thoughts, and always in my heart.

On the Giving Up....

It has been a long six months since my last post.  My life has been the typical roller coaster that life brings, with the added kinks that battling depression brings to it.  Going back on my medication has helped.  It brought my anxiety under control very quickly.  It has helped with the depression.  I feel like it hasn't helped as much as it did before I went off it.  But...that choice was made and I can't go back and make it differently now.

So many things have happened in the last six months.  We took an amazing family vacation to the Caribbean, and were blessed to be able to share that with friends.  It was a great week.  We were totally unplugged and totally in the moment together.  It was hard to come back to reality after that.  Being away from everything felt so good, it was so freeing.  I wish I could feel so carefree every day.

We went on our vacation the last week of April, and then May and June passed by in the blink of an eye.  My kids are growing so super fast!  My Anne lost her first tooth, finished First Grade, TURNED SEVEN, and had her very first dance recital. This picture was from right before she went on stage.  She was SO nervous to be in front of all of those people.  When she was done I asked her how it was.  She told me she loved it.  "Who wouldn't like being up on the stage like that Mom?" she said to me. Well, I wouldn't!  I love the pluck this girl has.  She faces her fears with courage and grace and always finishes smiling. 

She has her own ups and downs though and we are working on that.  She feels emotions so deeply and often acts on what she feels before she thinks things through.  It is hard at the age of seven to recognize that point in yourself when you lose control of your behavior to your emotions.  I struggle with that sometimes myself.  She is destined for greatness though, my girl is, she is always full of surprises.  She got an award at the end of the school year for Kindness, and honestly no grade she could receive would could make me prouder than that.  Kind and Brave is what we are going for and she is well on her way.

Then there is my little guy, my Matthew.  In the past two months he has finished preschool, had his kindergarten orientation, fallen totally in love with Star Wars, and scratched his cornea in a scary accident.  Thankfully that healed quickly within a couple of days, but that is not an experience he or I will easily forget.  It was so hard to say good-bye to our pre-school.  Anne went there for two years and then Matthew started after she finished and did two years as well.  It was a part of our daily lives for four years and just like that it was over, and my baby is ready for kindergarten.  Wow!  This picture is of him walking out of the pre-school for the last time.  I cried.

All of this kids growing too fast and too many things changing has been very overwhelming for me.  I feel like I am losing my babies.  I know I still have lots of time with them, but I also know that time will fly by!  My snuggly, baby boy is going to Kindergarten and our afternoon snuggles before school pick up time have come to an end.  I already miss him and school doesn't start for two more months!

What is most overwhelming is the change in my Mom status.  I have been at home on full press kid duty for seven years, with both kids in school full time, this role will change significantly.  I know they will still need me and they will still be my priority.  I will be there to take them to activities, make sure they do their homework, make their lunches, and be there for any illness or injury.  I just don't know how to handle my time anymore.  If I think too much about what I want to, or should do with my time after school starts I have to stop thinking about it, because I don't know how to proceed.

This is the part where I have given up.   This depression and other life events have brought me through so many ups and downs and stops and starts I feel like I have given up on progressing forward.  Now don't get me wrong, I have generally and slowly moved forward over the last five years.  Things are very different now than they were in the beginning.  I just feel like real change is something that is not going to happen.  My view of how I should spend my days and how I actually do spend my days are very, very different.  I am not a perfectionist or an idealist.  I don't imagine some utopian lifestyle that is impossible to attain.  I just can't set and accomplish goals for myself for the simplest of things.  I can't make it to the gym on a regular basis.  I stopped going last fall when Anne got really sick with strep for a week and I pretty much never went back.  I never actually enjoyed going....it was much more soothing for me to spend my alone time getting things done and prepping for the holidays.   The longer I stayed away the easier it became to not return.  Now when I think about it I kick myself for wasting the money, because I haven't cancelled my membership, because I have to actually go to the gym to make any changes in my membership.  That is a more extreme example.  I have also failed miserably even at the smallest of goals I have set for myself, such as reading for a little while each day or getting in my devotional time every day.  I just feel like I keep failing over and over again so I just stopped trying.  It is easier for my life to stay in my comfortable little ruts, doing the same stuff every day.  I actually feel better when I have busier days and I do different things, but those quickly become overwhelming and I feel like I need a "rest" day and then before I know it, back in the comfortable ruts. 

I have given up on the fight to some extent.  When the depression comes on and it gets bad, I don't really have the will to fight it any more.  Thankfully the bad days do pass eventually.  Sometimes it is one day, but it has lasted up to a full week.  I can manage to a point, but I also have a breaking point where I fall apart completely.  I was that way for a couple of days in June and then it passed.  I am back to my status quo now, one day at a time.  Sometimes I get myself out there, some days I spend most of the time on my couch.  I am constantly fighting fatigue and my allergies and sometimes headaches too.   So I just wonder, will my life every actually change?  Will I get stronger?  Will I be able to reach some of my smaller goals, and someday maybe some of the bigger ones?  What am I actually going to do with myself come September?  Will I get myself more involved with things or will I just dig those ruts deeper?  Is there some hope for me?  A better way to fight it all?  I know there is very little to nothing anyone else can do for me at this point, I just wonder what I am actually capable of doing for myself.  I know there are things I do right every day, and my kids are doing well and growing in kindness and love, if I fail at everything else, maybe I can accomplish the one thing that matters most.  I just know that I need to do more and I fear that I can't.  Right now that is just where I am, and I don't know if there is much I can do about it.  Sometimes just putting it out there helps, in writing, floating in the universe...I don't know.  I know that I can push past it, I can fight it, I do win sometimes, but then it always sneaks back in and I lose again.  That is what makes it the hardest, at this point in the game I feel like the depression is never going to go away, it will always be a part of me.  Accepting that fact has made me feel like it has won.  Why should I keep fighting it back if it is never actually going to leave?  It's not like this is some movie or fairy tale with a happy ending.  This is real life and there is no miracle cure for this disease.  The stuff that helps doesn't make it go away, so what level of fighting is actually worthwhile?  What will actually be enough for me to move forward enough to make small changes here and there?  Is there an answer to that, or do I just give in and live life the way it is? 

Isolation

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I have been dealing with this depression for FIVE years.  That is some kind of crazy.  I can't even fathom that it has been that long, but then I can't even really remember life when I wasn't dealing with it.  On it goes.  When it all began as Postpartum Depression when my son was five months old, I never imagined I would be dealing with Chronic Depression five years later.  But then, I guess I never imagined I would be dealing with depression at all.

When I went off my antidepressants last spring I thought I was in a place where everything was manageable.  I was still having symptoms, but I could handle them, and I did, for awhile.  I made it through the summer, with some very rough weeks here and there.  My symptoms started getting worse when they happened, but they weren't happening all the time. They were still very cyclical, so I pressed on, even though I could feel the rage that was associated with my early depression starting to return.  I just kept super busy.  Playgroups, playdates, swimming lessons, family reunions, even a little vacation at the end of the summer.  In reality we really took that vacation because I was so desperate to get away and regroup, so we did and it was great.

Then school started and at first it was so freeing.  I was exercising more and plugging right along.  Then October hit and my daughter had a nasty case of strep that kept her out of school for five days...looking back that is when the tide really changed for me.  I haven't been back to the gym since that week she was sick.  Everyone has been taking turns being sick since then, me included.  Mostly minor stuff, but I have been dealing with sinus headaches and issues all through the fall and winter, mostly because of the extremely warm weather we have been having here for this time of year.

When November and December came I was just spending all my free time doing Christmas Shopping and Christmas preparations.  I knew I was really starting to go down hill, but I was in denial.  I was determined to make Christmas extra exciting and fun and perfect mostly because I was feeling so bad.  I love Christmas, and the excitement of getting ready for it, the anticipation in the waiting.  This year though, I just could not hold onto the spirit.  Don't get me wrong, the season wasn't a wash, but it was somewhat disappointing.  I have some great memories from some specific days.  We did make it NYC for our yearly holiday trip.  That day was practically perfect.  We had fun getting our tree and decorating, and Christmas morning itself was just what I hoped for.  And my kids loved every second of the season, so even if I wasn't always feeling it, they certainly were.  I just kept feeling like I was missing something.  The depression was stealing my joy.

And something else was happening.  The first few times were subtle and I was able to brush them off, but after Christmas was over, everything snowballed so fast.  I started having anxiety attacks.  I recognized what was happening.  Some issues happened at my daughters school regarding her peanut allergy that were very quickly resolved as soon as I voiced my concerns.  I started to realize that a lot of my anxiety was centered around her allergy.  It was happening at other times too, but that is where it started.  We started planning a trip for mid spring.  We have never flown before.  I started panicking thinking about flying with her and wondering how I was going to keep her safe.  I knew in my mind that my thoughts were illogical.  I knew that I was obsessing about situations that I was handling just fine.  I do my research, I plan for every possible scenario.  I know what to do if she has a reaction, and I know everything I can do to prevent one.  Why was this happening?  Anxiety had never been an issue for me before.  Then I just started feeling anxious a lot the time for no reason at all.  I couldn't figure out any particular trigger.  By this time my yearly physical with my doctor was only a few days away so I just waited it out.  But I didn't want to go anywhere unless I had to.  There were a couple of days where my husband took the kids out and I stayed home, and that was just how I wanted it to be.  I just wanted to be alone and not responsible for anyone else.  By this point I had resigned myself to the fact that I needed to go back on my medication.

This was a blow to me.  Not only was the anxiety a major issue by this point but the depression was totally winning.  I felt, I still feel, so defeated.  I am so tired of fighting this fight.  Five years is a really long time.  I sleep, I have nightmares, get woken up or can't fall asleep and get up every day exhausted.  Exhausted from not sleeping and from fighting the fight.  I have been living with the attitude that this is as good as it is going to get, so why bother?  Why bother going to the gym, or trying to eat better, or trying to get out there, this is just as good as it is going to get.  I just don't have any fight left.

I started my medications again two weeks ago.  At this point the anxiety is definitely better.  Some stressful stuff has happened since I started taking them again and I have definitely weathered them better.  This has been a relief.  The anxiety was more than I could handle.  At least I am used to feeling depressed, I know what to expect, and how to handle it if I have the energy to fight it.  The anxiety was different.  It was a new sensation, a scary sensation that I was really having a hard time dealing with.  Hopefully it won't come back!

I am not seeing much of an improvement with the depression at this point.  I have had a couple of better days, but not better overall.  I had forgotten that a side effect of the meds is definitely worse migraines and headaches.  I still got migraines when I was off the meds, but I forgot how bad mine can really get until I went back on.  I had one all day migraine a week and a half ago and I feel like it never really went away completely.  That crappy kind feeling doesn't do much for the mood.

The depression is heavy.  I feel isolated and disconnected.  I am doing okay with my kids, I don't feel disconnected from them, with my husband it comes and goes, but outside of this house, I just feel disconnected from everyone at this point.  I find myself avoiding having conversations with people.  Every now and then I will get out there in a group and chat with friends and actually feel pretty good.  I think for a second, "wait, there I am.", but then the next day I can be in a whole group of people that I know and feel partially invisible, like no one notices me, and partially hoping that no one will notice me.  People will say "hi, how are you doing." and I say 'good, how are you?" end conversation.  Why don't I say more?  I just can't get it out.  I can't say the stuff I want to say, or need to say.  I know what I need.  I am simply exhausted.  Right now, I can't fight the darkness back by myself.  I know that I need to be with people and to just do normal stuff.  I need to go out and walk the dog, go to the gym, just hang out with friends.  I don't even necessarily need to talk about all this stuff I just need to do normal stuff.  I need to not be alone in the house curled up on the couch all the time.  I really try to shine light in other peoples lives as much as I can. I try to be supportive and help out when people need help.  I try to help friends talk through stuff when they need to, watch their kids when they need a break and all that stuff.  I feel guilty for not doing that stuff for people right now.  But honestly I am in survival mode right now.  Most days I do the absolute minimum that I must do to get the family through that day and nothing more.  I don't have any more to give than that right now.

I have not given up the fight, but right now I am battle weary.  For now I have reached my limit, I need to rely on other peoples' light right now to help pull me up and out of the darkness.   Five years is a long time to fight.  It's a really long time.  I know that someday I won't have to fight anymore, and this burden will be lifted from me, but today is not that day.  My life has a purpose, I have a family to raise, I will get through this.  I just can't do it alone right now.  I need some light.

My fight song;
It's Not Over Yet

Addendum:  So last night after I went to bed I realized that I can't do math.  And I never claimed to be good at it anyway.  I have been fighting depression for four years not five.  Year Five is just beginning.  My husband and I were having a heart to heart last night and we were discussing how bad I have been feeling and I said to him "I just don't have any fight left."  He said to me "You always say that."  I said "I do?  But this is the worst it has ever been, since it all started."  He said, "You always fight your way out of it."  Thanks for the LIGHT my Love.