And Just Like That....

My house is so quiet this morning.  I am not used to the quiet yet, but I am finding it peaceful and relaxing.  Yesterday was one of those "how did we get here so fast?" moments.  Just like that summer was over....Just like that my little girl is in second grade....Just like that my baby boy is in Kindergarten.  And he just took off down the hall with his sister and didn't even say good-bye to his Mama.  He was so excited.  He is so ready for Kindergarten. 

So here I am in my quiet house, with both my babies in school, thinking about all the things I haven't been letting myself think about before now.  The big question since last spring for me has been, what do I do with myself with both kids in school?  I will get to that in a minute.

First this summer....this summer was...well...terrible...  It really was.  And now that it is over I am torn between feelings of relief that it is over and sadness and guilt that my kids missed out on having the relaxing, fun kind of summer that kids are supposed to have.

June was just a crazy, hectic haze with school ending, dance recitals, graduation parties, my daughter's birthday, my son's scratched cornea....it was just a blur, and that was also when my headaches and migraines really started to amp up and get out of control.  I basically spent more than half of June and July holed up with terrible headaches.  The kids were stuck in the house watching tv or playing, anything that would keep them quiet enough to get me through the headache.  We did have some good days in July.  I scheduled as many playdates as I could and tried to keep us busy, so we did have fun with friends.  That was good, that was summer.  I just feel like it was so overshadowed by my headaches.

Then the plague ascended on my house at the end of July and has yet to leave us entirely.  It has been six weeks now.  We have had bronchitis, strep, fever viruses, reactive airway asthma, pneumonia....it has been awful.  All four of us have been hit at least once.  My son was sick on his birthday.  I had to reschedule his birthday party TWICE because he was still sick and running a fever.  Who is too sick for a birthday party in August?  The poor little guy, he was just so disappointed, and it was really stressful for me as Mama.  My husband was the sickest.  He started with bronchitis that turned to pneumonia and after three rounds of antibiotics and six weeks, he is just now almost getting over it.  Of course he was working an insane schedule for the whole summer, so we were all really looking forward to our yearly end of summer trip to Maine, our favorite place in the world.  He still wasn't feeling his best, but the kids were so excited so we went.  A few days on the beach would do us all some good.  And it did.  We have some great memories from our trip.  But....I started getting sick the first night we were there, I developed a terrible cough.  Our daughter started coughing the next day.  We actually came home a day early because we just didn't have the energy to continue.  I went to the doctor three times before I finally really got treated for my cough, which was actually basically bronchial spasms and inflammation.  Last night was actually the first night I slept without coughing in the night for 11 days.  And then my poor little girl.  She was coughing, she had a fever that would come and go, and was really congested, but the doctor couldn't find anything really wrong with her.  We had bloodwork done and everything (which is a whole other story).  We finally chalked it up to be a virus, or seasonal allergy related.  She was sick right up until the start of school.  We thought she might miss the first day and she was devastated.  It was so stressful.  But she made it to school yesterday and today...and she is still recovering but is definitely on the mend.

So in the middle of all the headaches and migraines this summer, my depression was really not well controlled.  I felt like I could fight one or the other, the headaches or the depression, but I just didn't have it in me to fight both of them.  I was simply exhausted.  I saw my doctor at the beginning of August.  I had kept a calendar chart for the last couple of months documenting when I was having headaches and the severity of them, which she found really helpful.  We made some adjustments to my medications and added a daily medication to combat the headaches.  I have been on the new medication combination for a month now, and I can say that I think it has made a difference.  A few weeks ago when I talked to my doctor to follow up I wasn't so sure because I was in the middle of the craziness of everyone being sick and I was just so stressed out and worried about everyone.  I knew the headaches weren't as bad, but I wasn't sure if the depression was better yet.  I couldn't think or focus on anything because the entire summer was just so overwhelming.

Now I am sitting in a quiet place and I can say this.  I have only had one significant migraine since I started the new medication.  I have had some headaches but they were able to be controlled by Excedrin, which was not happening before, so that is definitely better.  I also think that the new combination medication treatment for my depression is working.  I would like to go through another whole month before really saying this for sure, but I am definitely feeling better.

Now that I am feeling better and things are QUIET, I am able to reflect on all those jumbled feelings I have been having for months about what am I supposed to do now that both of my kids are in school.  And it is kind of funny, I don't know what exactly I was thinking by asking myself this question.  Was I thinking that there was going to be some kind of huge change?  Was I thinking I was going to be less of a mom?  Less of a friend?  Less of anything at all?  I realized yesterday, in the quiet, that I am just going to keep doing what I have been doing.  I will be there to pack their lunches for school every morning and get them ready and out the door.  I will be there to pick them up after school, to take them to dance and soccer and help them with their homework.  And if they are sick I will be here to take care of them.  And while they are in school, I can do more things for me and more things for them.  I have more time to pray, more time to write, more time to offer help and support to my friends.  I can get to things that I haven't gotten to because we have all been too sick, or I didn't have the energy to try to do it with the kids around.  I also have volunteered for lunchroom duty one day a week at the kids' school.  I will help out with some other things at the school as well.  I can even help out my husband every now and then, which will be nice. 

But the most important thing is that I feel like I can take time to focus my thoughts and not feel so jumbled up and tired all the time.  I can work through things with purpose instead of just trying to get through a day.  And I will never get lonely at home during the day, because I have my wonderful dog to keep me company. He doesn't seem too upset that the kids are gone either.  I think he is also enjoying the quiet, and extra snuggle time with Mommy. 

So it is only the second day of school, let's see how the year goes.  :o)  Hang in there Mamas....remember to draw strength from each other.  I have been ever so grateful this past month with all the sickness in my house by my Mama village of friends that have reached out to check on me, see how we are all doing, that have supported my emotional ups and downs with the sick kids, that have offered to help out when I wasn't feeling well.  I feel such strength and power from that.  I was thinking of that yesterday when I was talking to a couple of Mama friends that were feeling down.  I draw such strength from my Mama Army, the love is so powerful.  I feel their love for me, for my kids, and I feel the same way for them and their kids.  People have the ability to tear each other down so quickly...but remember we have the responsibility to build each other up. When we build up each other, we build up ourselves and we create a powerful community.  So thanks for being there for me this summer and always my Mama Army and for giving me the strength to keep being there for you.