I have found myself wondering lately what my kids are going to remember from their childhood. I often worry that I am ruining them. I am afraid that all they are going to remember is me yelling, or sending them to their rooms so I can just breathe. I wonder if they will remember me putting in movies for them so I can just sleep on the couch and escape for a little while. Are they going to remember the times that it got to be so much that I just left them? That I yelled up the stairs to their Dad saying "That's it! I am leaving!", and then I did. Are they going to remember the things that I said in the heat of the moment, the stuff that I didn't really mean?
What is growing up with a depressed Mom going to do to my kids? They aren't really old enough for me to explain this to them yet. The fact is, this is not going away. I have learned to accept this, but that doesn't mean that I like it. I am honestly exhausted from the fight these days...sometimes I don't know if I can even fight it anymore. If it swallows me up, what happens to them? Are they going to remember the times I shut down, and left them, or are they going to remember that I always came back? Will they remember that I always fought my way back to them? Will they understand?
I have been going through photos for the past couple of days, getting ready for some Christmas scrapbooking projects. So I have been looking at hundreds of pictures from the past year of my kids. One of my joys is to take pictures capturing all the big moments and lots of the little moments. I love making scrapbooks as gifts for them each year and for their grandparents too. As bad as I have felt the past few days I have been constantly reminded that my kids are happy.
|One of my favorite pictures of Anne this year, it just captures the joy that she always carries with her.|
|Joyful, goofy and cuddly, that is my boy!|
I really do wonder what they will remember about their childhood. Will they remember how much I hate to cook or will they remember that every Friday I made them homemade pizza and we curled up on the couch and had a movie night? Will they remember that I was always rushing to get them places on time, or will they remember that I signed them up for their favorite activities and made it work every week to get them there? Will they remember that we stayed inside more than we should have, or will they remember the fun they had playing with each other when I just let them run rampant with their imaginations while I was trying to cope inside my own head?
Will they remember Halloween this year? Will they remember how close I was too the edge that weekend? Do they know how many times I almost cried that day? Do they have any idea how much I just wanted to crawl into bed instead of taking them to our Church's Fall Festival? That isn't what I think they will remember? I think they will remember that Mommy dressed up like a pirate to match their pirate costumes and went out anyway. And I hope they will know how glad I was that I did, and how grateful I was to be present with them in their joy. I hope they just remember that all I ever wanted to do was play pirates with them.