So I just realized that it has been a month since my last entry. I guess I have been keeping myself busy enough just hanging around. My hip is healing slowly. I am now allowed to put up to 25% of my weight on the bad leg, so that has made getting around a little easier. I think I am finally learning some patience, although I have been quite thrilled to get some privileges back, like standing in the shower and being able to put my foot down! I really am looking forward to going back upstairs to my bed instead of sleeping on the sofabed in the middle of Grand Central Station. This happens every morning...even on the weekends:
I have had lots of time for reflecting. If you are reading this because you are on your own journey with depression, I share my experience to offer support to other Moms and also to give hope to those who are deep in the struggle. This January I will be coming up on three years in my journey. So I know that I am currently in a much different place than those who are just starting out. Do I still struggle, of course? About a year ago it was determined that my PPD is now just plain old Chronic Depression. Apparently it ceases to be PPD after the two year mark. When I am not having a good day I try to reflect on how far I have come since the really, really bad days. When I worry whether or not I have totally messed up my kids, I reflect on how sweet and loving and HAPPY they are, so I guess my husband and I have done alright despite everything. They know that they are loved and that is the most important thing. I am okay. There is still some darkness that sneaks in from time to time, mostly based on my hormonal fluctuations. At least I can see those coming, know what they are, and know that they will pass pretty quickly if I just ride it out. The situation with my hip has resulted in a few day of feeling sorry for myself here and there, but for the most part, being pretty much off my feet with limited control over my own life for over two months now, has shown me just how much of a handle that I do have on my depression, and honestly that is a good thing. I am on a good therapeutic dose of a medication that works, I have wonderful support in my life and I do feel pretty much normal. So maybe I have finally found my end in sight, until the next challenge arises or until I decide that it is time to go off my medication. My greatest enemy is, and will continue to be sleep deprivation, but unfortunately that is just the way I am and there really isn't much I can do to sleep better, so I have learned to live with it the way it is, and I catch a good nap whenever I can.
My dear friends, if you are at the beginning of your journey and the darkness is heavy right now, rest assured that there is hope. It is a long journey, full of many difficult days and many challenges. It is important that you remember that you are a good mother, and this is not your fault. Seek support and don't believe the negative thoughts that the darkness puts in your head. It may take therapy and medication to help you move forward. If you choose to take medication it might take a while to find the right medication with the right dosage, I went through many trials before I found the right one. Don't lose hope. Ask for help. There is a light at the end of the tunnel I promise.
It has been a while since I recommended one of my favorite resources for information and support about Postpartum Depression: Postpartumprogress.org. This website helped me tremendously with figuring things out in the beginning. I am sure it can help you too!