I have said this before, but I ALWAYS want to write more often then I do. I have blog entries in my mind all the time, but rarely sit down to write them. My life is full in many good ways. I don't always have the time to sit down and think things out enough to write them down. This is GOOD thing for sure. But, I still feel it is important to tell my story, and I have so many things that I want to share that I hope will help others on their journeys.
Things have been busy for sure. I run a playgroup at my church once a week. Anne, my oldest, is in Kindergarten five days a week, and definitely keeping me on my toes. There are so many things to navigate when your kids our in school and we have been dealing with some issues with her peanut allergy and how she handles herself with the other children in her class. Everything is fine though, we have met with her teacher and are talking with her on a daily basis. Her teacher and the school are so wonderful. We are so grateful that Anne has such a loving teacher. My Anne will be turning six in one short month. I am just in awe of how much she has grown, and matured and changed in the last year.
Then there is my Matty, he will be four in three months! I can't believe how much my baby is not a baby anymore. Granted we have some issues that we need to work on, like using the toilet, but he has also grown and matured so much in the past year. Pre-school has really helped him come out of his shell. I LOVE his pre-school. I will be so sad at the end of next year when I don't have a kid to send there anymore! Matty has developed an amazing imagination just like his sister. It is fun listening to them play alone, but even more fun listening to them play together. Sometimes Matty forgets that he is growing up though, and likes to crawl into our bed almost nightly for snuggles and security. I am savoring those moments, because I know, before long, those full on, squeeze you around the neck hugs are going to be a distant memory. Slow down kids...you are growing to fast!
We are rolling into Wedding Season, that means my husband is working more, and we miss him. We have been dealing with some hurdles lately with the business, but we are praying our way through them. We know God is taking care of us, he hasn't failed us yet. So we try not to get discouraged, and my guy just works super hard. He is pretty amazing, always there to help, whenever his talents are needed. He helps at church and my daughter's school, and still finds time to do a magic show every now and then. Matty can't wait for Daddy to come perform at his school!
As for me, I caught the flu this year, just when I was getting myself into a good healthy routine with going to the gym and trying to be more active. The flu then turned into a bad sinus infection that took two rounds of antibiotics to clear and then I ended up on steroids to deal with respiratory issues that have turned out to be allergies. This has been strange. I have had allergies all my life, but never more than the sneezing, itchy eyes kind of stuff, and never in the spring. My issues usually happen in the weed pollen season in the late summer/early fall. But suddenly I am on an inhaler to deal with spring allergies. The doctor said it was probably just the wonderful timing of when I got the flu. After about a month of feeling pretty crappy, we finally have it under control for the most part, and hopefully I won't need the inhaler for much longer.
Now the last time I wrote was in March and I discussed the issues that I was having with my anti-depressants and the side effects. I was considering going off of them because of my frustration with the side effects. This is what happened. I kept feeling like it was time to go off my meds. I felt like the side effects were starting to become bothersome, maybe because I didn't need the medication anymore. BUT listen, I know the state that I was in when I started taking medication three years ago. I was a mess, and I COULD NOT function. I needed them and I don't regret my decision to take them at all. In fact, I am quite sure that they played a significant role in literally, saving my life.
So I grappled with these thoughts, that quite voice saying, "Laura, you are okay, it is time." but then the other voice saying "What if I still need them? What if it puts me back to where I was three years ago." Mamas, it is scary stuff. It is scary to be in a place that is so desperately dark that you need medication and counseling to pull you back to a place where you can function, as a person and as a parent. I thank God that there is medication that can help us when we are in such a desperate place. God was telling me that I am okay that I can move forward from this, but after being on medication for three years I was terrified at the thought. I don't ever want to go back there. So I went back and forth in my mind about this for awhile. When I brought it up to my husband, I could tell by his reaction that he had the same fears that I did. Ladies, he has seen me at my worst and loves me too much to want to see me there again. So I struggled with which voice to listen too, which one was real. So I prayed this prayer "Lord, I am too emotional about this medication topic. The thought of going off them is very, very scary and my emotions are not letting me make a decision that I feel comfortable with. Please Lord give me a CONCRETE sign as to what you want me to do."
Two days after I prayed this prayer I went to the pharmacy at Target to pick up my refill on my prescription. I was taking 60 mg of Cymbalta. This has been my good therapeutic dose during the worst of my depression. It was early in the morning, the store was so quiet, the pharmacy had just opened. I went in there with my son, only intending to go to the pharmacy and then leave. The pharmacist handed me the bag. I did not look in it, but I HEARD the pills. A bottle of pills makes noise, especially in a quiet, echoing environment like an almost empty Target Store. We left the pharmacy and walked right out of the store, I had the bag in one hand and my son's hand in the other. My thoughts paused briefly as I walked past the front registers to congratulate myself at walking in and out of Target without spending any money. I know you all understand what a big deal that is! We went out to the car, I opened the back door to put my son in his seat, when I did this I reached over the front seat and gently dropped the prescription bag on the front seat. The front door was never opened on that side of the car. I strapped him in and we went straight home. When we got home I came inside and went to take the pills out of the bag to put them out of reach of little hands. THE BAG WAS EMPTY! Totally empty, as empty as Jesus's tomb.
I went out to the car and searched it about three times. My car is not that big. I called the pharmacy. The pharmacist assured me that the pills weren't there and he put them in the bag, and I believe him. Not only is he a wonderful and helpful man whenever our family needs assistance with medications....I heard the pills in the bag when he gave it to me. The bottle was not in the house, it was not in the car. Matty and I went back to Target and searched the parking lot and retraced our steps in the store and nothing. I kept thinking to myself that if the pills had fallen out of the bag at any point, either in the store or the car, I would have HEARD them. I spoke to the Pharmacist, and he called the insurance company who, of course, would not pay for a replacement prescription (Shocker, I know).
"Well Lord, I asked you for a concrete sign, I guess you can't get any more concrete than making a bottle of bills disappear into nothingness."
I knew in my heart then, that it was time. We simply could not afford to replace the missing pills. Cymbalta is NOT a medication to go off cold turkey, no anti depressant is. The pharmacist thought that the insurance company may approve a lower dose, so I called my doctor. I had to wait most of the day for a call back. So I had lots of time to think. I started to think about all the things that I have now that I did not have when the depression took over:
1. Coping skills.
2. Kids who are older.
3. An amazing and supportive church family.
4. Supportive friends that have been through similar trials that will literally talk me through anything.
5. My therapy dog, always available for soothing snuggles.
6. And most importantly, a much deeper relationship with my God.
God was telling me to go, I knew it was time to listen. My doctor was a little concerned at our initial conversation. I remembered the talk that we had when I first started the Cymbalta. She told me it was one of the very hardest drugs to go off of. The withdrawal symptoms can be debilitating. At that time Cymbalta was the right choice for me. Now I was confident that if God wanted me off it, then he would get me through it. So my doctor agreed and called in a prescription for 30 mg, which is half of what I had been taking. She told me to take it for a month and see how I was doing.
A few days into the lower dose I had one evening where I felt really dizzy and lightheaded and out of it. This is a withdrawal side effect, so I assumed it was just my body adjusting to the lower dose. After that day, I had no side effects, and most importantly no change in my mood or overall emotional state, sure I still had bad days, and bad moments, but everybody does. These times were no different then the bad days and bad moments I experienced while taking the full dose of the medication, so I was prepared to press on. After about two weeks on the lower dose I started getting sick with the flu, followed by the sinus infection. I think I would have lowered my dose sooner but I was just too sick. So on one of my follow up visits, she lowered my dose to 20 mgs. That transition was absolutely fine, I didn't even have any dizziness, or if I did I think it was from the steroids I was on. The final step was two weeks later, to go to taking one pill every other day for two weeks and then I would be done. I was on an inhaler and steroids at the time, but I decided that I was already feel crappy, so why wait until I was off the steroids and lower my dose so I could just feel crappy all over again.
Now the decision I made next is not something that I would recommend to anyone. Going off an anti depressant is serious business, and if you are ready you need to taper off following your doctors instructions. Your tapering off dosages and instructions will be different from mine. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR, make a plan and follow it. That being said, I didn't do exactly what my doctor said. I did the every other day dosage for three doses. I was feeling so dizzy and light headed about 36 hours after a dose (about 12 hours before the next one), but that was the ONLY symptom I was experiencing. I made the decision to stop taking it after those three doses because I felt that was the right decision for me at the time. I figured that if dizziness was my only issue, that the sooner the medication was out of my system for good the sooner the dizziness would stop. I turned out to be right. It got progressively better and after about four days was gone completely. If I had any major issues I would have contacted my doctor.
I firmly believe with all my heart that my transition off the medication was so easy because I followed what God wanted me to do, and I trusted him to take care of it. I have now been completely off the Cymbalta for two weeks. I feel very empowered, like I have reached the end of a very long road and I am okay. I am doing great. I still lose my patience and have moody moments. This is because I am a woman. The biggest change I have noticed is that I definitely have more energy and that feels great. It is amazing to get through the afternoon and not feel like I need to take a nap in order to make it to dinner. This is actually a life changing thing for me. I have been getting the kids out more, I have gotten tons of yard work and other projects done and it just feels good to have the energy to accomplish more things. Don't get me wrong, I am still very done with the day by the time the kids go to bed. I actually feel free of this depression burden that I have been carrying for such a long time. I don't regret one step of this journey. It has shaped my life and who I am. It has put me in position to touch other peoples lives either through the blog or face to face with people that I know. It has made me empathic to the struggles that all Moms face on a daily basis. In fact, the two most important things I have learned are:
1. Nobody's life is perfect, no matter how perfect their lives LOOK on social media.
2. Everybody has something that they have to struggle with. Some of us have dealt with trauma or loss, some of us battle with depression or other mental illnesses, some of us struggle with infertility, some of us parent children with special needs.
Don't judge other people, LOVE them. Because in the end, none of us get through our struggles alone, we all need love and support from those around us. And Most Importantly, God is good. He loves you and will be there with you every step of the way, all you have to do is let him.
