Saturday, July 23, 2016

To The Friend I Lost....

Dear Friend that I lost, not by choice but by circumstance, I still think of you every day.  Some say that people come into your life only for a season, but I never thought that would be true of us.  We were such good friends, and we went through so much together, but then things changed, and I changed...and maybe we just didn't understand each other anymore.  Knowing that doesn't make me miss you any less.

We were single girls together for so long, we talked on the phone for hours, hung out on the weekends...we even went to movies on opening night.  Then something began to happen to us.  I met this guy...I fell for him hard and fast, and less than two years after I met him...we were married.  That was the first adjustment in our friendship, me spending time with my single friends while being part of a couple.  You were there for me through that, you were in my wedding.  We had fun.  My husband and I were working a lot, but we still managed to find some time to spend together.  Then the first major blow hit me, when I lost my first baby.  That was so devastating to me, it changed me on an epic level, to this day I am not even sure if I realize how much.  I lost friends during the time that I was just trying to cope with the fall out of my grief.  I realize in retrospect that no one can truly understand that kind of a loss if they haven't been through it themselves.  You were there for me in that time though, even if you didn't understand, I knew that you loved me.

Then I finally did become a mom.  That is when I truly started to see how different married life is from single life, and how vastly different parenthood makes it.  Little people change things.  I know you loved my baby girl.  You liked to come and visit her.  We had fun.  But then Matthew came along and I was overwhelmed with the demands of dealing with a two year old and a newborn, of trying to potty train my stubborn girl, just trying to survive.  And I know between when Anne came and when Matthew came I was slowly starting to drift from you.   I know that there were times that you needed me and I wasn't able to be there for you like I should have been.  This was not only true for you but for other friends as well.  I am sorry for that.  I know that you started to feel like I abandoned you.  Maybe you didn't know it at first, but in the end....

When the depression hit, when it really stepped in and took over, I almost lost myself completely.  Even now, FIVE years later, I still don't feel like I have gotten myself back all the way.  There are pieces of who I used to be floating out there in the universe somewhere.  For awhile my world shrunk into this little tiny place.  I still have to retreat there sometimes.  I go there to survive, and there I do just what I have to do to get by, until I am strong enough to fight again.  When the depression was at its worst, and we fell away from each other, I don't think I even realized fully what had happened, what I had done to you.    I don't know if I could ever really explain to you where I was at that time, how deep in the hole of rage and sadness and overwhelming emotion I was.  I could only focus on my kids, my husband.  They were all that there was for a while, and with help I was able to focus on myself too.  I did build myself up and pull myself out of that place that I was in, but by then it was too late.  I had hurt you too much and you were gone.  Ironically, around the time of our final encounter, I was just on the cusp of finding my way back to my life.  Maybe if I had come back sooner I could have salvaged what was broken....but I will never know.

Now my life is different.  The depression isn't gone.  I still really, really struggle with it sometimes.  I sill have to fight.  There are times I still have to retreat into my tiny place.  But when I can be myself, and the cloud doesn't pull me down, my life is really good.  I have an awesome husband, two amazing kids, and I have my extended family, my church family and more close friends than I have ever had in my life.  Things can still be hard, I am still figuring some things out, still learning how to live with my depression, but I know the good that I have in my life.  I do miss you though.

I miss having you in my life.  It has been years since I have seen you, but do you know that there are times when I see something or hear something and my first impulse is to tell you about it?  And then there are my kids.  Anne is 7 now, Matthew will be 5 in a few weeks.  Some of their favorite books are ones that you  chose for them.  Recently they got into the Spy Kids movies.  Remember how those used to be our guilty pleasure...we saw them all in the theater?  My kids watch them over and over, and it makes me think of you.  My greatest victory over the last couple of months is that I have gotten them obsessed with Star Wars.  We have been watching all the movies and they love them.  We have lightsaber battles in the living room.  I can't wait to take them to Disney, for all the cool Disney stuff, but also to see all the cool Star Wars stuff they have there now.  I won't be able to go there without thinking of you either though. 

You would really love my kids.  It makes me sad that you aren't a part of their lives.  Anne has the most amazing imagination.  She can read now too.  She loves books about mermaids and fairies the most, but I will find her some Star Wars books on her level soon.  She is an artist.  I am blown away by the stuff that she draws.  You guys would have fun creating things together.  She is also very spunky.  She keeps me on my toes.  She has this amazing pure joy for life though, it flows out of her.  That joy of hers pulls me through the hard times.  She is a really special girl.  I wish you could know her.

Then there is my boy.  He has this seriousness about him, but it is really just because he is taking everything in around him.  That is how he learns, he watches and then he does.  It is fascinating to watch.  He loves to build stuff, mostly with his Legos, but he is really imaginative and mechanical with the stuff he comes up with.    And he is so sweet and compassionate and gentle.  He has a very giving soul. His first impulse is to share with someone else instead of keeping for himself.  He also has this adorable goofy side that makes me laugh every day.  I am sorry that you never got the chance to know him, that he never had the chance to make you laugh and to show you his dimpled smile.

I know the circumstances of our lives changed us.  They took us from the place where we used to be, where we were good friends, and put us someplace else.  We hurt each other.  I can't blame that totally on my depression, I know that I made mistakes.  I am sorry for that.  My memories of you will always be fond ones.  We had an amazing young adulthood together, full of many, many adventures, many good times, many laughs....and we also got each other through many hard times.  We were good and true friends for awhile, and I will always be grateful for the time we had together.  I don't think that I will ever stop missing you, I know I will never stop loving you.  Where ever you are, I hope that your life is full of joy, full of close friends and family.  I hope that you are happy, I hope that you feel loved.  You are never far from my thoughts, and always in my heart.

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